Sending Old men To War

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City, Washington, D.C. and a field in Pennsylvania. I'm almost 60 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be over 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18 year old to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18 year old think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.

An 18 year old hasn't had a legal beer yet. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-16 would do wonders for the old beer belly. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20 foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, " Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18 year old doesn't like to get up before 1000 hours. Old guys get up early (to pee).

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys.
We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

An 18 year old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear his pants without the tops of his butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, or learned that a pierced tongue catches food particles, that the bill of the hat goes in front, and that a 200 watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture and eardrum. all great reasons to keep our sons home and learn a little more about life before sending them off.

It would be an unbeatable force of pissed off old farts, with prostrate problems, arthritis and hangovers to hunt down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our homeland September 11.

In the Roman army the third line of infantry (the Triarii) was made up of older legionaries. If the day went well the young bucks would do most of the work. If things went badly the first two lines could fall back behind the Triarii, who would form a phalanx. Being older and more experienced the Triarii were less likely to panic under such conditions.