Things you probaly don't know.

Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

The dot over the 'I' is called a 'tittle'.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

In 1996, 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary were misspelled.

The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from the inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. (I was, once.)

Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.

Orca's (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

Scuba divers tank valves are known as a 'J' valve (with a 5 minute reserve lever) and a 'K' valve (without the reserve lever). They were called the 'J' and 'K' valve because in the Sears and Roebuck catalog, one was 'item J' the other was 'item k'.

Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. Hence, multitasking was invented.

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before!

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple and silver.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and it will sting itself to death.
The used mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you won't sink in quicksand.

The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has to begin with. It's the same with apples.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from the library.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. OJ Simpson, Kobe Bryant and Osama Bin Laden are still walking around, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail'

Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Gunny found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Gunny for conversation.

"Excuse me, Gunny, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Gunny just stared at her in his serious manner. finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Gunny said in a serious voice, after glancing at his watch, " I hope not; it's only 2130 now."



When did "Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death!" become " Give up your liberties or we're all gonna die?"

Three Brazilian Soldiers

In a morning briefing Donald Rumsfeld advised President Bush that during the night, three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. The color immediately drained from the Presidents face and he laid his head on the desk and cradled his face in his hands. After a few minutes he looked up and scanned the faces of his cabinet members.

"So, just exactly how many is a brazillion?" he asked.

I have a question

I just have a few questions I've often wondered about:

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to began with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If Fed-Ex and UPS were to merge, would they be called Fed-Up?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wonder, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write them? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailman can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If you are travelling at the speed of light and turn a flashlight on, does it cast a beam?

Does dark have a speed too?

If you can think of any, please leave in the comment section. Thanks

TAPS

If any of you have ever been to a military funeral in which taps was played, this will help you have a new respect for it, I hope. It's the song that gives us that lump in our throats and usually brings tears. I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings.

Reportedly, it all began in 1863 during the War of Northern Aggression, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land.

During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention.

The Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him back toward his encampment. When the Captain reached his lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead. The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the War broke out. Without telling his father, the boy had enlisted in the Confederate Army.

The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was denied since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician.

The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. The haunting melody, we know as 'Taps' used at military funerals was born.

The words are:

Days is done...Gone the sun...From the lakes...From the hills...From the sky...All is well...Safely rest...God is nigh...

Fading light...Dims the sight...And a star...Gems the sky...Gleaming bright...From afar...Drawing nigh...Falls the night...

Thanks and praise...For our days...Neath the sun...Neath the stars...Neath the sky...As we go...This we know...God is nigh...

I've felt the chills while listening to Taps. I have a deep respect for the song. When I D.J. at some of the Vietnam Vets M/C functions, I close out my night of playing with Taps.

As a side note of info, Arlington National Cemetery is on what was General Robert E. Lee's home.

Remember Those Lost and Harmed While Serving Their Country in All Wars.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE, TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

99 1/2% won't do

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving MORE than 100%?

We've all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about giving 105% or 110%?

What makes up 100% in Life?

Here's a mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as-
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

AND

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

BUT

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Time to revisit our decision!!!!!

It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there.

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing the damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place.

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

The government is unstable, and in the process of changing.

Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes.

It will cost millions to rebuild, which we can't afford.

There are more than 1000 religious sects.

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

And to repeat. Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land.

It is very clear to me. We MUST abandon California!

51 days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order 5 pitchers of beer and 10 glasses. They take the order over and sit down at a large table. The glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" Soon 3 more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines arrive and their voices are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" Finally the tenth Marine arrives with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jumps the others, they began dancing around the table, exchanging high fives, all the while chanting, " 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walk over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks, " What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The Marine who brought the picture in pipes up, " Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."

Paratrooper's first sex

A girl asks her paratrooper boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her Airborne boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The paratrooper is ecstatic, but he had never had sex before either, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condom's. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The paratrooper insists on the family pack because he thinks he'll be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, he shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The paratrooper goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. He offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the paratrooper is still in deep prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from him. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, 'I had no idea you were so religious." He turns and whispers back, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Marine Date

Two widows are talking at the Bowling Alley.

Martha says, "That nice Steve Hofkin asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk to you about him before I give him my answer."


Edna says, "Well, I'll tell you. he shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 p.m. Dressed up like a such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car.....a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out to dinner...marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine you know!"

Martha says, "Goodness gracious... so are you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna replies, "No...I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

You're not a Marine

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, " My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

To his surprise the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.

But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.

The next morning, he asks what that sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man is disappointed but he thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man says, "Alright, alright. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound is, is to become a Marine, how do I become a Marine?"

He's told and off he goes. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."

Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps."

The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The Marine reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. The Base Commander gives him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The Commander gives him the key. Behind the door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man has gone thru doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst....

Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."

The Marine is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of the strange sound.


But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine

The G.I.'s New Name

In World War I, American soldiers were called "Doughboys."

In World War II, they were called "G.I.'s"

In Korea, they were called 'Policemen."

In Vietnam, they were called "Advisers."

In the Gulf, they were called "Heroes."

Today, in the war against the Taliban, they are called 'Tali-Whackers."

Sending Old men To War

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City, Washington, D.C. and a field in Pennsylvania. I'm almost 60 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be over 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18 year old to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18 year old think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.

An 18 year old hasn't had a legal beer yet. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-16 would do wonders for the old beer belly. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20 foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, " Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18 year old doesn't like to get up before 1000 hours. Old guys get up early (to pee).

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys.
We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

An 18 year old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear his pants without the tops of his butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, or learned that a pierced tongue catches food particles, that the bill of the hat goes in front, and that a 200 watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture and eardrum. all great reasons to keep our sons home and learn a little more about life before sending them off.

It would be an unbeatable force of pissed off old farts, with prostrate problems, arthritis and hangovers to hunt down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our homeland September 11.

In the Roman army the third line of infantry (the Triarii) was made up of older legionaries. If the day went well the young bucks would do most of the work. If things went badly the first two lines could fall back behind the Triarii, who would form a phalanx. Being older and more experienced the Triarii were less likely to panic under such conditions.

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a Sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, "Well, we had Iwo Jima."

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We had the Battle of Midway."

"Not entirely true," responded the Marine, " Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal is named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway."

The Sailor responds, "Point taken."

The Marine then says, "We were born at Tunn Tavern, November 10th, 1775."

The Sailor, nodding agreement, says, "We had John Paul Jones."

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality says....... "The Navy invented sex!"

The Marine replies, "That's true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women."

The Chief's Parrot

The old Chief finally retired from VQ-1 and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don your socks. Reveille."

Old Chief Bill told the parrot, " We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Old Chief Bill told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up I will put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, Chief Bill put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 0630 the next morning, Chief Bill was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out outside to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation. On the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, " By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!"

My friend and son in law is a Chief in the United States Navy!

Useful Latin Terms

My young bride has often said I have too much time on my hands.

Illegitmae Non Carborundum -
Don't let the bastards see you sweat.

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt -
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Advocatus diaboli -
Devil's advocate,

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuaniam omnem, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam -
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

An old sailor and a Marine

An old Sailor and a Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and I fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by inch all the way up the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the sailor with a dismissive wave of the hand, " lucky bastard, all shore duty, huh?"

Rules for Legs (Non-Airborne qualified individuals) or the Non-Military

Dear legs and civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great Nation has many civilians and Legs up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem---kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest---kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. GUYS, if you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU) or jungle fatigues, telling others that you used to be "Special Forces" and collecting G.I. Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake---and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the U.S. Flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her---of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.

8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of party affiliation. Our chain of command is to include the Commander-In-Chief (CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.

9. "Your Momma wears combat boots" never made sense to me--stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore, could kick your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill those Commies!" And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me--if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass.

11. 'Flyboy' (Air Force), 'Jarhead' (Marines), 'Grunt' (Army), 'Squid' (Navy), 'Puddle Jumpers' (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. That could get your ass kicked.

12. Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving, Christmas and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

It is the veteran, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press.

It is the veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

It is the veteran, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.

It is the military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

I will add one more:

If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the National Anthem in Spanish---KICK THEIR ASS.

DI OPPRESSO LIBER

Genesis-The U.S. Marine version

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these He filled with assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "Squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humour that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets over sized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests....and all sorts of shiny things that glittered....and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away)

On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for Air Force fly boys. But they whined and whimpered because the "O" club had not been built. So He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "Wild Blue Yonder Wonders."

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.

But on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labors, and in His divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called Marine. And these Marines, who God created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even given beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening and dress uniforms...sharp and stylish, handsome things...so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people that were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly. And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of His labours, He had forgotten one thing; He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally God satisfied Himself in knowing that, well...not everybody can be a Marine!

Semper Fi!

I'm running for President. Here is my platform

After a careful review of the options for the up coming election, I have decided to become a write-in candidate. Here is my platform:

Press 1 for English is immediately banned. English is the official language of this country. Speak it or wait at the border until you can.

We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out our country's attitude. No imports, no exports. We will use the Wal-Mart policy: If we ain't got it, you don't need it. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it. One export will be allowed-Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price as a barrel of oil.

All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. It will be a six month tour with the weapon of their choice. They will be under strict orders not to fire on southbound aliens.

Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin' in, you ain't getting nuttin' out. Neither the president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.

Welfare checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of a 40 hour work/school week and after the successful completion of a urinalysis test

Professional athletes-Steroids-The FIRST time you check positive, you will be banned for life.

Crime-We will adopt the Muslim method. The first time you steal, we cut off your right hand. There will be no more life sentences-if you are convicted of a Capitol Offense with no doubt, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc. If you are convicted of rape, you will be castrated.

All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease. The saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

All politicians will be limited to two terms. If the individual feels like they really want to run for a third term, it is with the understanding that if they are elected for a third term, they will be executed at the end of it.

The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at every school and every day in Congress-right after a prayer to God.

The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Three categories of Americans will be taken care of before money is spent by the government, our elderly, handicapped and veterans.

It is time Americans take back America.

I appreciate your support.

Enlistment oath

Sometimes, after the years have erased some of our memory (or the alcohol has killed off "those" brain cells) we forgot what we said when we raised our right hand. Maybe America should take or at least read our oath too!

I (state your name), do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic;
that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to the regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

So help me God!

Definition of a Veteran

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to the "United States of America", for an amount of "up to and including my life."
That is honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer can conceptualize it.

My rifle: The creed of a U.S. Marine

This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master life.

My rifle without me is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...

My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its parts, its accessories, its sights, and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damages as I will ever guard my legs, my arms, my eyes and my heart against damage. I will keep my rifle clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God I swear this creed. My rifle and myself are defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace.

I am an American soldier

I am a warrior and a member of a team.

I serve the people of the United States of America and live military values.

I will always place the mission first.

I will never accept defeat.

I will never quit.

I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills.

I will always maintain my arm, equipment and myself.

I am an expert.

I am a professional.

I stand ready to deploy, engage and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.

I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.

I am an American soldier.

Social Security Extra Earnings for Military Service

Please share this with anyone who's had active duty service prior to January 2002 and planning for retirement. In a nutshell it boils down to this:

You qualify for a higher social security payment because of your military service, for active duty from 1957 through 2001 (the program was done away with in January 2002). Up to $1200 per year of earnings credit credited at the time of application - which can make a substantial difference in social security monthly payments upon your retirement.

You must bring your DD-214 to the Social Security Office - and you must ask for this benefit to receive it!

See Social Security website:
http://www.ssa.gov/retire2/military.htm

This is directly from the Social Security Administration web site:

Since 1957, if you had military service earnings for active duty (including active duty for training), you paid Social Security taxes on those earnings. Since 1988, inactive duty service in the Armed Forces reserves (such as weekend drills) has also been covered by social security.

Under certain circumstances, special extra earnings for your military service from 1957 through 2001 can be credited to your record for Social Security purposes. These extra earnings credits may help you qualify for Social Security or increase the amount of your Social Security benefit.

Special extra earnings credits are granted for periods of active duty or active duty for training. Special extra earnings are NOT granted for inactive duty training.

If your active military service occurred

FROM 1957 THROUGH 1967, they will add the extra credits to your record when you apply for Social Security benefits.

FROM 1968 THROUGH 2001, you do not need to do anything to receive the extra credits. The credits were automatically added to your record. (But I would still take my DD-214 down and ask at the time I sign up).

HOW YOU GET CREDIT FOR EXTRA SPECIAL EARNINGS

SERVICE IN 1957 THROUGH 1977
You are credited with $300.00 in additional earnings for each calendar quarter in which you received active duty basic pay.

SERVICE IN 1978 THROUGH 2001
For every $300.00 in active duty basic pay, you are credited with an additional $100.00 in earnings up to a maximum of $1,200.00 a year. If you enlisted after September 7, 1980, and you didn't complete at least 24 months of active duty or your full tour, you may not be able to receive the additional earnings. Check with Social Security for details.

What They Carried

They carried P-38 can openers and heat tabs, watches with boot lace bands, dog tags, insect repellent, gum, cigarettes, Zippo lighters, salt tablets, compress bandages, ponchos, Kool-Aid, 2 or 3 canteens of water, iodine tablets, Sterno, LRRP rations, C-rations stuffed in socks. They carried fatigues, jungle boots, bush hats, flak jackets and steel pots with graffiti on the cover.

They carried the M-14, M-16, trip flares and claymore mines, the M-79 and M-60, LAWS, shotguns, .45 pistols, the sounds of bullets, rockets, choppers and sometimes, the sound of silence.

They carried C-4 plastique explosives, an assortment of hand grenades, PRC-6, PRC-10 and PRC-25 radios, KaBars and machetes. Some carried napalm, CBU's and large bombs slung underneath the wings of their aircraft. Some risked their lives to save others. Some escaped their fear, but dealt with the death and damage. Some made very hard decisions and some just tried to survive.

They carried malaria, dysentery, ring worm and leeches. They carried the land itself as it hardened on their boots. They carried stationary, pencils, and pictures of loved ones-real or imagined. They carried the love for the people in the real world and love for one another. Sometimes they disguised that love: "Don't mean nothin!”

They carried memories, for the most part; they carried themselves with poise and a kind of dignity. Now and then, there were times when panic set in, and people squealed or wanted to, but couldn't, when they twitched and made moaning sounds and covered their heads and said "Dear God!" and hugged the earth and fired their weapons blindly and cringed and begged for the noise to stop, and went wild and made stupid promises to themselves and God and their parents, hoping not to die.

They carried the traditions of the United States Military, and memories of those who served before them. They carried grief, terror, longing and their reputations. They carried the soldier's greatest fear, the embarrassment of dishonor. They crawled into tunnels, walked point and advanced under fire, so as not to die of embarrassment. They were afraid of dying, but too afraid of showing it.

They carried the emotional baggage of men and women who might die at any moment. They carried the weight of the world. They carried each other and they carried America's freedom as well.

Now, some of them carry the sound of a Huey Dust-off overhead, incoming, the smell of rot, the faces of lost Brothers and a multitude of memories that haunt them at night while the rest of the world sleeps peacefully. They still carry the flag and have what few men possess - - Honor.

Thank you for your sacrifices.

Good news from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the USRSF-United States Redneck Special Forces.
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Virginia, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas good ol' boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Monday.

In our war, there were no unwounded soldiers.

In our war, there were no unwounded soldiers.
For us, every day is Memorial Day. In memory of over 58,200 Brothers that never returned. Vietnam 1959-1975