What's your ambition?

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," said the Major.
He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," barked the Major.
He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

You might be a crew chief if.....

You Might be a Crew Chief IF.....
You've ever said, "Oh, yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."

You've ever sucked LOX to cure a hangover.

You know what JP4/JP5 tastes like.

You've ever used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick.

You've ever had to say, "My boots are still black!" (Or ever spray - painted them black)

You have ever used soot from the tailpipe to blacken your boots.

You believe the aircraft has a soul.

You talk to the aircraft.

The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.

You know more about your coworkers than you do about your own family.

You can't figure out why maintenance officers exist.

You ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great aircraft!"

You think everyone who isn't a Crew Chief is a wimp.

You wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid rules.

You consider 'Moly - B' fingerprints on food an 'acquired taste'.

You've ever been told to "go get us some prop wash, a yard of flight line or the keys to the jet.

You have ever jumped inside an intake to get out of the rain.

Little yellow ear plugs are all over your house.

You have ever pre - flighted in really bad weather only to learn that the flight was canceled hours ago.

Your spouse refuses to watch any aviation shows or attend air shows with you.

You have ever looked for pictures of "your" jet in aviation books and magazines.

You can't figure out why two weeks of advance per - diem is gone after three days.

You can sleep anywhere, anytime. But as soon as the engines shut down you are wide awake.

You have ever used, a wheel chock, or a tow bar for a pillow.

You have ever stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry.

You have ever used a pair of Dykes to trim a fingernail.

You have ever pulled the gun switch while riding brakes.

You have ever started a jet inside the hanger!

You have ever wiped leaks right before the crew shows up.

All you care about is the flying schedule and your days off.

You have ever had to defuel your jet an hour after fueling it.

Everyone you know has some kind of nickname.

You have used the "Pull Chocks" hand signal to tell your buddies it is time to leave.

You have ever bled hydraulic fluid into a Gatorade bottle or soda can because you are too lazy to go get a hydraulic bucket and the Hazmat keys.

If you have ever been tackled, duct taped to a tow bar, covered in PET and sand, egged, sour milked, peanut buttered and jellied, and slapped under the emergency wash station in 30 deg weather.

You know in your heart that your jet is female.

You refer to ANY machine as "she."

You refer to QA as "the enemy."

You hate Ops, Maintenance Control, QA, and cops.

You know the international marshalling sign for "pull your head out of your ass."

You've ever worked weekend duty on a jet that isn't flying on Monday.

You've wanted the jet to start just so you can warm up.

You can't remember half of your coworkers’ real names... only their nicknames.

You fix 30 million dollar jets, but can't figure out what's wrong with your $150 lawnmower.

Your toolbox at home has wheels and foam cutouts, just like the ones at work.

Some of the tools in your toolbox at home are etched.

You measure the cost of living in other countries is by the price of a beer at a bar.

Three nots?

A very drunk sailor went into a bar and negotiated a "trick" with a working girl.
After they agreed on a price she took him into a back bedroom so they can proceed to do their thing.
After a period of exhaustive attempts the sailor asked, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replied, "Oh, I'd say you're doing about 3 nots."
"Three knots only?" proclaimed the sailor.
The tart replied, "Yeah, three NOTS. You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

I wished he'd tried that with me.

Two airmen were driving across country on leave.
They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit.
They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know.
"The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.
The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Marine says, "Just making your wishes come true.
"The passenger says, "Huh?"
The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

Officer map reading

How does a U.S Army Officer finds his position on a map :

By shaking a tree to see what moves on the map...

Aircraft mechanic

Three soldiers are captured by the Japanese - a US Marine, a soldier and an aircraft mechnic.
They are thrown into bamboo hutches in a prison camp to rot.
Some months later the prison camp commander decides to have some fun.
He gives each of the three prisoners two steel balls and says tells them that whichever of them comes up with a clever idea for the balls will be released.
The next morning he visits the prisoners.
The soldier has woven a cradle out of grass for the two balls and has made one of those executive toys. The two balls are merrily clicking back and forward. The commandant is impressed and sets him free.
Next door the US Marine is sitting cross legged in the hutch meditating and the two steel balls are levitating two feet off the ground. Again the commandant is impressed and releases the Marine.
Finally he moves to the aircraft mechanic's hooch. He is smoking a cigarette and scratching his ass with no sign of the steel balls. The commandant is furious and asks him what he has done with the balls.
The reply comes, "I dunno, I lost one and broke the other".

Sir? I think you're an idiot.

Private "Sir? If I said you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "I would jail you for insubordination"
Private "Sir? If I thought you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "Well, I couldn't do much about that at all"
Private "Sir? I think you're an idiot"