Innovative ways to deal with a random drug test taken in front of a witness

Innovative Ways to Deal With a Random Drug Test (you have to do it in a cup in front of a witness.)

Ask your observer if he wants to race.

Wear a diaper.

Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything accept antibacterial soap.

Inquire about a "take home cup."

Get your privates stuck in your zipper.

After four-and-a-half hours of holding it, pee so hard you knock the cup out of your hand.

When the nurse asks you to witness the cup being empty, insist that you have to stick your finger in there to "check it out for yourself."

When they call your name, walk to the counter looking really concerned. Calmly explain to the nurse that you haven't studied for this test, and want to know if there's any extra credit.

Put some water in your boot before the test. When you get to the peeing part, take off your boot, pour it into the cup, and shamefully say that you just couldn't wait.

Ask the observer to slap you on your rear-end a few times, just to get things going for you.

Bring a drink umbrella for your cup.

Since this person has probably seen a lot of people pee, ask him how you measure up.

Before you start, self-check for hernias (turn, cough, etc...)

Wear a condom.