Sergeants' Methods
A group of Sergeants and a group of Air Force Officers take a train to a conference.
Each Officer holds a ticket.
But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger.
The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve.
Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”.
At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets.
The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers.
When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!”
One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.
For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick.
They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn’t buy any tickets at all.
After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: “The conductor is coming!”
Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in
.
All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet.
Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please!”
And the moral of the story?
Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don’t really understand them.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Marine Corps Bumper Stickers
Marine Bumper Stickers
Save water, shower with a Marine.
Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.
USMC: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
To err is human, to forgive is divine, however, neither is Marine Corps policy.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.
Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?
All men are created equal, then some become Marines.
It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.
U.S. Marines: Travel agents to Allah.
First Iraq, then France.
We're Marines, we took Iwo Jima, Baghdad ain't shit." (Gen. Kelly)
It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.
Our Sergeants think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.
Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything.
Save water, shower with a Marine.
Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.
USMC: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
To err is human, to forgive is divine, however, neither is Marine Corps policy.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.
Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?
All men are created equal, then some become Marines.
It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.
U.S. Marines: Travel agents to Allah.
First Iraq, then France.
We're Marines, we took Iwo Jima, Baghdad ain't shit." (Gen. Kelly)
It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.
Our Sergeants think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.
Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything.
Friday, January 23, 2009
POW-MIA Ceremony
POW-MIA CEREMONY
This is what I use for any of the Vietnam Vets M/C and Legacy Vets M/C functions I attend and they want me to perform the POW-MIA Ceremony.
The basic ceremony is provided below. There is a narrative section followed by an annotated script. Note that the script contains several suggestions for actions by the Honor Guard, which are in addition to those of the narrative. You should be selective and develop an approach, which works for the time and resources available to you. This if for all the branches, but you can leave out the service branch out if you just want to do one setting.
Set-up
This ceremony has many symbols. Below is a list of the materials needed to complete the ceremony. If you cannot find something to represent a symbol then omit that section of the ceremony. The music for the ceremony is AMAZING GRACE, preferably performed by a Drum & Bagpipe Corps. A tape of the music is satisfactory. It is started just before you begin to read the part, “LET US REMEMBER THEN UNITED STATES AIR FORCE …”
Materials needed:
POW-MIA Script
4 pair of white gloves
Wheel Caps*
Music – AMAZING GRACE Tape/CD player
White tablecloth
White candle
Small bread plate
Yellow ribbon
Black ribbon (tied to candle)
Framed, faded picture
Red rose in a vase
4 Wineglasses
Salt
4 Table settings
Slice of lemon
Lighter or Matches
*Caps for Air Force, Army, Navy, Marine Corps (and Coast Guard if that branch is to be honored)
(NOTE: You may wish to add the Coast Guard as one additional branch of service. If you do, then make the appropriate adjustments in the instructions and script.)
Honor Guard
You will need four members to participate as the Honor Guard (in addition to the narrator). They will bring out the wheel caps of the four military branches as they are recognized in the ceremony. All movements in this ceremony are slow and remorseful. There should be no jerky movements. The only sharp movement will be the facing movement at the end to leave the table after setting it. Hold the wheel cap in the right hand with fingers holding the rim. Your arm should be cradling the cap as you form an “L” from your shoulder to your elbow to your hand. It should rest on the forearm.
Once at the table, the Honor Guard members will slowly bring the left hand up and over the wheel cap to have the fingers at “5 o’clock”. Once there, the cap is pivoted on the tips of the fingers of the right hand so the wheel cap is now facing toward the Honor Guard member. There will be a slow bend at the waist to place the cap on the table. Once there, the member will slowly straighten up and slow salute the cap still keeping their eyes caged on the cap. After holding the salute for about four beats, slowly drop the salute and look straight ahead, eyes caged.
As the script is read, the Honor Guard will initiate some of the symbolic actions. Suggestions for these are included in the script below.
The narrator should try to memorize parts of the ceremony and practice making eye contact with the audience. This is very important as the narrator will set the tone for the mood of the ceremony. They should take a deep breath and pause before speaking each section.
Retiring the Table
You may wish to retire the POW-MIA table at the end of the night. This is usually done before or during the closing comments by the Master of Ceremonies. The Honor Guard will come in again at funeral march pace and stand behind their respective wheel caps. One person will blow out the candle and stand upright. All four will salute at the same time slowly and will hold the salute. The music of TAPS will then be played. When the music is over the four will slowly order arms. The Honor Guard commander will then call a “Post” and “Forward, March.” The Honor Guard will then slowly march out of the room.
A suggested script is provided below.
Materials needed:
Music recording of TAPS or someone to play TAPS on a bugle or trumpet
Tape/CD player
POW-MIA CEREMONY SUGGESTED SCRIPT
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE CENTER OF OUR GATHERING.
(Off-stage cassette player plays "Amazing Grace" performed by bag pipes)
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THE TABLE SET BEFORE YOU. IT IS FILLED WITH SYMBOLISM. I WILL EXPLAIN.
THIS TABLE IS SET FOR OUR PRISONERS OF WAR AND THOSE MISSING IN ACTION -- FROM ALL WARS.
THEY ARE NOT WITH US TODAY.
THEIR CHAIRS ARE EMPTY, BUT SAVED FOR THEIR HOPED RETURN.
LET US REMEMBER THEIR ABSENCE.
(As the individual service is announced, a Brother enters with the appropriate wheel hat, places it on the table, and remains until the end of the ceremony)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Air Force wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES ARMY, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Army wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES NAVY, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Navy wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Marine Corps wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES COAST GUARD, HONORED BY Brother ___________.
(Brother enters with Coast Guard wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE MEN AND WOMEN PRISONERS OF WAR FROM ALL BRANCHES OF SERVICE THAT ARE TOO OFTEN FORGOTTEN.
LET US REMEMBER THEM.
THE TABLE CLOTH IS WHITE, SYMBOLIZING THE PURITY OF THEIR INTENTIONS TO RESPOND TO THEIR COUNTRY'S CALL TO ARMS -- SO THAT THEIR CHILDREN COULD REMAIN FREE. REMEMBER.
THE LONE CANDLE SYMBOLIZES THE FRAILTY OF A PRISONER ALONE, TRYING TO STAND UP AGAINST HIS OPPRESSORS. REMEMBER.
(A Brother lights the candle)
THE BLACK RIBBON ON THE CANDLE REMINDS US OF THOSE WHO WILL NOT BE COMING HOME. REMEMBER
THE SINGLE ROSE REMINDS US OF THE LOVED ONES AND FAMILIES OF OUR COMRADES IN ARMS WHO KEEP THE FAITH AND AWAIT THEIR RETURN. REMEMBER
A SLICE OF LEMON IS ON THE BREAD PLATE TO REMIND US OF THEIR BITTER FATE -- IF WE DO NOT BRING THEM HOME. REMEMBER
(A Brother slices a lemon and places a slice on each bread plate)
THERE IS SALT ON THE PLATE, SYMBOLIC OF THE FAMILY'S TEARS AS THEY WAIT AND REMEMBER.
(A Brother shakes salt onto each bread plate)
THE GLASSES ARE INVERTED. THEY CANNOT TOAST WITH US TONIGHT -- MAYBE TOMORROW, IF WE REMEMBER.
(The Brothers execute a slow bend at the waist and pick up the wineglasses to eye level. At the word, “INVERTED”, the Honor Guard members quickly flip the wineglasses upside down with a twist of the wrist. Then slowly bring down the wineglasses to the table inverted.)
THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE RIBBON IS TIED TO THE FLOWER VASE BY A YELLOW RIBBON THAT WAS WORN BY THOUSANDS WHO AWAITED THEIR RETURN. REMEMBER
THE FADED PICTURE ON THE TABLE IS A REMINDER THAT THEY ARE MISSED VERY MUCH AND ARE REMEMBERED BY THEIR FAMILIES. REMEMBER.
AS WE LOOK UPON THIS EMPTY TABLE, DO NOT REMEMBER GHOSTS FROM THE PAST, REMEMBER OUR COMRADES.
REMEMBER THOSE WHOM WE DEPENDED ON IN BATTLE. THEY DEPEND ON US TO BRING THEM HOME.
REMEMBER OUR FRIENDS. THEY ARE THE ONES WE LOVE -- WHO LOVE LIFE AND FREEDOM AS WE DO.
THEY WILL REMEMBER WHAT WE DO. PLEASE HONOR AND REMEMBER THEM.
(The Honor Guard executes a slow salute together. They hold it approximately 10 seconds after the music has ended. Afterwards, the members slowly order arms and the Honor Guard commander will call “POST” and the members will execute a Left or Right Face. (Whichever is more convenient). “Forward March” will then move the members out of the room in a slow fashion.)
SUGGESTED SCRIPT FOR RETIRING THE TABLE
(One Brother approaches the table ready to extinguish the candle. If the hats are to be retired as well, the entire Honor Guard should enter with one identified to extinguish the candle.)
AS Brother _______________ EXTINGUISHES THIS CANDLE, LET US TRANSFER IT'S FLAME TO OUR HEARTS -- AND REMEMBER.
(Brother extinguishes the candle and retreats.)
This is what I use for any of the Vietnam Vets M/C and Legacy Vets M/C functions I attend and they want me to perform the POW-MIA Ceremony.
The basic ceremony is provided below. There is a narrative section followed by an annotated script. Note that the script contains several suggestions for actions by the Honor Guard, which are in addition to those of the narrative. You should be selective and develop an approach, which works for the time and resources available to you. This if for all the branches, but you can leave out the service branch out if you just want to do one setting.
Set-up
This ceremony has many symbols. Below is a list of the materials needed to complete the ceremony. If you cannot find something to represent a symbol then omit that section of the ceremony. The music for the ceremony is AMAZING GRACE, preferably performed by a Drum & Bagpipe Corps. A tape of the music is satisfactory. It is started just before you begin to read the part, “LET US REMEMBER THEN UNITED STATES AIR FORCE …”
Materials needed:
POW-MIA Script
4 pair of white gloves
Wheel Caps*
Music – AMAZING GRACE Tape/CD player
White tablecloth
White candle
Small bread plate
Yellow ribbon
Black ribbon (tied to candle)
Framed, faded picture
Red rose in a vase
4 Wineglasses
Salt
4 Table settings
Slice of lemon
Lighter or Matches
*Caps for Air Force, Army, Navy, Marine Corps (and Coast Guard if that branch is to be honored)
(NOTE: You may wish to add the Coast Guard as one additional branch of service. If you do, then make the appropriate adjustments in the instructions and script.)
Honor Guard
You will need four members to participate as the Honor Guard (in addition to the narrator). They will bring out the wheel caps of the four military branches as they are recognized in the ceremony. All movements in this ceremony are slow and remorseful. There should be no jerky movements. The only sharp movement will be the facing movement at the end to leave the table after setting it. Hold the wheel cap in the right hand with fingers holding the rim. Your arm should be cradling the cap as you form an “L” from your shoulder to your elbow to your hand. It should rest on the forearm.
Once at the table, the Honor Guard members will slowly bring the left hand up and over the wheel cap to have the fingers at “5 o’clock”. Once there, the cap is pivoted on the tips of the fingers of the right hand so the wheel cap is now facing toward the Honor Guard member. There will be a slow bend at the waist to place the cap on the table. Once there, the member will slowly straighten up and slow salute the cap still keeping their eyes caged on the cap. After holding the salute for about four beats, slowly drop the salute and look straight ahead, eyes caged.
As the script is read, the Honor Guard will initiate some of the symbolic actions. Suggestions for these are included in the script below.
The narrator should try to memorize parts of the ceremony and practice making eye contact with the audience. This is very important as the narrator will set the tone for the mood of the ceremony. They should take a deep breath and pause before speaking each section.
Retiring the Table
You may wish to retire the POW-MIA table at the end of the night. This is usually done before or during the closing comments by the Master of Ceremonies. The Honor Guard will come in again at funeral march pace and stand behind their respective wheel caps. One person will blow out the candle and stand upright. All four will salute at the same time slowly and will hold the salute. The music of TAPS will then be played. When the music is over the four will slowly order arms. The Honor Guard commander will then call a “Post” and “Forward, March.” The Honor Guard will then slowly march out of the room.
A suggested script is provided below.
Materials needed:
Music recording of TAPS or someone to play TAPS on a bugle or trumpet
Tape/CD player
POW-MIA CEREMONY SUGGESTED SCRIPT
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE CENTER OF OUR GATHERING.
(Off-stage cassette player plays "Amazing Grace" performed by bag pipes)
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THE TABLE SET BEFORE YOU. IT IS FILLED WITH SYMBOLISM. I WILL EXPLAIN.
THIS TABLE IS SET FOR OUR PRISONERS OF WAR AND THOSE MISSING IN ACTION -- FROM ALL WARS.
THEY ARE NOT WITH US TODAY.
THEIR CHAIRS ARE EMPTY, BUT SAVED FOR THEIR HOPED RETURN.
LET US REMEMBER THEIR ABSENCE.
(As the individual service is announced, a Brother enters with the appropriate wheel hat, places it on the table, and remains until the end of the ceremony)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Air Force wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES ARMY, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Army wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES NAVY, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Navy wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Marine Corps wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES COAST GUARD, HONORED BY Brother ___________.
(Brother enters with Coast Guard wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE MEN AND WOMEN PRISONERS OF WAR FROM ALL BRANCHES OF SERVICE THAT ARE TOO OFTEN FORGOTTEN.
LET US REMEMBER THEM.
THE TABLE CLOTH IS WHITE, SYMBOLIZING THE PURITY OF THEIR INTENTIONS TO RESPOND TO THEIR COUNTRY'S CALL TO ARMS -- SO THAT THEIR CHILDREN COULD REMAIN FREE. REMEMBER.
THE LONE CANDLE SYMBOLIZES THE FRAILTY OF A PRISONER ALONE, TRYING TO STAND UP AGAINST HIS OPPRESSORS. REMEMBER.
(A Brother lights the candle)
THE BLACK RIBBON ON THE CANDLE REMINDS US OF THOSE WHO WILL NOT BE COMING HOME. REMEMBER
THE SINGLE ROSE REMINDS US OF THE LOVED ONES AND FAMILIES OF OUR COMRADES IN ARMS WHO KEEP THE FAITH AND AWAIT THEIR RETURN. REMEMBER
A SLICE OF LEMON IS ON THE BREAD PLATE TO REMIND US OF THEIR BITTER FATE -- IF WE DO NOT BRING THEM HOME. REMEMBER
(A Brother slices a lemon and places a slice on each bread plate)
THERE IS SALT ON THE PLATE, SYMBOLIC OF THE FAMILY'S TEARS AS THEY WAIT AND REMEMBER.
(A Brother shakes salt onto each bread plate)
THE GLASSES ARE INVERTED. THEY CANNOT TOAST WITH US TONIGHT -- MAYBE TOMORROW, IF WE REMEMBER.
(The Brothers execute a slow bend at the waist and pick up the wineglasses to eye level. At the word, “INVERTED”, the Honor Guard members quickly flip the wineglasses upside down with a twist of the wrist. Then slowly bring down the wineglasses to the table inverted.)
THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE RIBBON IS TIED TO THE FLOWER VASE BY A YELLOW RIBBON THAT WAS WORN BY THOUSANDS WHO AWAITED THEIR RETURN. REMEMBER
THE FADED PICTURE ON THE TABLE IS A REMINDER THAT THEY ARE MISSED VERY MUCH AND ARE REMEMBERED BY THEIR FAMILIES. REMEMBER.
AS WE LOOK UPON THIS EMPTY TABLE, DO NOT REMEMBER GHOSTS FROM THE PAST, REMEMBER OUR COMRADES.
REMEMBER THOSE WHOM WE DEPENDED ON IN BATTLE. THEY DEPEND ON US TO BRING THEM HOME.
REMEMBER OUR FRIENDS. THEY ARE THE ONES WE LOVE -- WHO LOVE LIFE AND FREEDOM AS WE DO.
THEY WILL REMEMBER WHAT WE DO. PLEASE HONOR AND REMEMBER THEM.
(The Honor Guard executes a slow salute together. They hold it approximately 10 seconds after the music has ended. Afterwards, the members slowly order arms and the Honor Guard commander will call “POST” and the members will execute a Left or Right Face. (Whichever is more convenient). “Forward March” will then move the members out of the room in a slow fashion.)
SUGGESTED SCRIPT FOR RETIRING THE TABLE
(One Brother approaches the table ready to extinguish the candle. If the hats are to be retired as well, the entire Honor Guard should enter with one identified to extinguish the candle.)
AS Brother _______________ EXTINGUISHES THIS CANDLE, LET US TRANSFER IT'S FLAME TO OUR HEARTS -- AND REMEMBER.
(Brother extinguishes the candle and retreats.)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Sixteen All-Time Biggest REAL Soldier Lies
Sixteen All-Time Biggest REAL Soldier Lies
1. "I put it in distribution."
2. "Your pay will be straight at the end of the month."
3. "I know I left it right here on the top of my desk."
4. "Of course I can read a map."
5. "It's on valid requisition."
6. "No Sir, I don't smoke dope!"
7. "He's in the motor pool."
8. "I have to go back to the rear."
9. "I don't give a damn if the General hears about this!"
10. "I need this for the old man right away!"
11. "I was here until midnight last night working on this!"
12. "I read the after action report."
13. "Sorry I'm late, but the Colonel called me just as I was about to leave."
14. "Give me your number and I'll call you back."
15. "This is a courtesy inspection."
16. "We're here to help you."
1. "I put it in distribution."
2. "Your pay will be straight at the end of the month."
3. "I know I left it right here on the top of my desk."
4. "Of course I can read a map."
5. "It's on valid requisition."
6. "No Sir, I don't smoke dope!"
7. "He's in the motor pool."
8. "I have to go back to the rear."
9. "I don't give a damn if the General hears about this!"
10. "I need this for the old man right away!"
11. "I was here until midnight last night working on this!"
12. "I read the after action report."
13. "Sorry I'm late, but the Colonel called me just as I was about to leave."
14. "Give me your number and I'll call you back."
15. "This is a courtesy inspection."
16. "We're here to help you."
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Towel Heads
"Towel Heads"
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term.
Please try to pay attention.
We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is actually a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as"little sheet heads."
Thank you for your support on this delicate matter.
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term.
Please try to pay attention.
We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is actually a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as"little sheet heads."
Thank you for your support on this delicate matter.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Purple Heart
The original Purple Heart, designated as the Badge of Military Merit, was established by George Washington—then the commander in chief of the Continental Army—by order from his Newburgh, New York headquarters on August 07 .
The actual order includes the phrase, "Let it be known that he who wears the military order of the purple heart has given of his blood in the defense of his homeland and shall forever be revered by his fellow countrymen."
The Badge of Military Merit was only awarded to three Revolutionary War soldiers and fell into disuse following the War of Independence. Sgts. Daniel Bissel, William Brown and Elijah Churchill were awarded the first Purple Heart in recognition of their "unusual gallantry, extraordinary fidelity and essential service." It was a heart shaped patch made of purple cloth.
Although never abolished, the award of the badge was not proposed again officially until after World War I.
On 10 October 1927,Army Chief of Staff General Charles Summerall directed that a draft bill be sent to Congress "to revive the Badge of Military Merit". The bill was withdrawn and action on the case ceased on 03 January 1928, but the office of the Adjutant General was instructed to file all materials collected for possible future use. A number of private interests sought to have the medal re instituted in the Army. One of these was the board of directors of the Fort Ticonderoga Museum.
Before 1932, the Army and Navy needed distinctive insignia for soldiers or sailors who had been wounded during enemy actions. The United States took its cue from the British and French, and authorized a wound stripe. For each time an American was wounded, he was allowed to wear one gold bullion chevron, point down, on the cuff of his right sleeve.
On 07 January 1931, Summerall’s successor, General Douglas MacArthur, confidentially reopened work on a new design, involving the Washington Commission of Fine Arts. This new design was issued on the bicentennial of George Washington's birth. Elizabeth Will, an Army heraldic specialist in the Office of the Quartermaster General, was named to redesign the newly revived medal, which became known as the Purple Heart.
The Commission of Fine Arts solicited plaster models from three leading sculptors for the medal, selecting that of John Sinnock of the Philadelphia Mint in May 1931. By Executive Order, the Purple Heart was revived on the 200th Anniversary of George Washington's birth, out of respect to his memory and military achievements, by War Department General Orders No. 3, dated 22 February 1789.
The Purple Heart award is a heart-shaped medal within a gold border, 1 3⁄8 inches (35 mm) wide, containing a profile of General George Washington. Above the heart appears a shield of the coat of arms of George Washington (a white shield with two red bars and three red stars in chief) between sprays of green leaves.
The reverse consists of a raised bronze heart with the words FOR MILITARY MERIT below the coat of arms and leaves. The ribbon is 1 and 3⁄8 inches wide and consists of the following stripes: 1⁄8 inch white; 1 1⁄8 inches purple 67115; and 1⁄8 inch white.
As with other combat medals, multiple awards are denoted by award stars for the Navy,Marine corps, or Coast Guard, or oak leaf clusters for the Army and Air Force.
The criteria were announced in a War department circular dated 22 February 1932 and authorized award to soldiers, upon their request, who had been awarded the Meritorious Service Citation Certificate, Army Wound Ribbon, or were authorized to wear Wound Chevrons subsequent to 05 April 1917, the day before the United States entered World War I.
The first Purple Heart was awarded to MacArthur. During the early period of American involvement in World War II, the Purple Heart was awarded both for wounds received in action against the enemy and for meritorious performance of duty.
With the establishment of the Legion of Merit, by an Act of Congress, the practice of awarding the Purple Heart for meritorious service was discontinued.
By Executive Order 9277, dated 03 December 1942, the decoration was extended to be applicable to all services and the order required that regulations of the Services be uniform in application as far as practicable. This executive order also authorized the award only for wounds received.
Executive Order 11016, dated 25 April 1962, included provisions for posthumous award of the Purple Heart. Executive Order 12464, dated 23 February 1984, authorized award of the Purple Heart as a result of terrorist attacks or while serving as part of a peacekeeping force subsequent to 28 March 1973.
The Senate approved an amendment to the 1985 Defense Authorization Bill on 13 June 1985 which changed the precedence from immediately above the Good Conduct Medal to immediately above the Meritorious Service Medals. Public Law 99-145 authorized the award for wounds received as a result of friendly fire. Public Law 104-106 expanded the eligibility date, authorizing award of the Purple Heart to a former prisoner of war who was wounded before 25 April 1962.
The National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 1998 (Public Law 105-85) changed the criteria to delete authorization for award of the Purple Heart Medal to any civilian national of the United States while serving under competent authority in any capacity with the Armed Forces. This change was effective 18 may 1998.
During World War II, nearly 500,000 Purple Heart medals were manufactured in anticipation of the estimated casualties resulting from the planned Allied invasion of Japan.
To the present date, all the American military casualties of the sixty years following the end of World War II — including the Korean and Vietnam Wars — have not exceeded that number.
In 2003, there were still 120,000 of these Purple Heart medals in stock. There are so many in surplus that combat units in Iraq and Afghanistan and United States are able to keep Purple Hearts on-hand for immediate award to wounded soldiers on the field.
The "History" section of the November 2008 edition of National Geographic estimated the number of purple hearts given as below. Above the estimates, the text reads, "Any tally of Purple Hearts is an estimate. Awards are often given during conflict; records aren't always exact" (page 33).
World War II: 964,409
Korea: 136,936
Vietnam: 200,676
Persian Gulf: 590
Afghanistan: 2,743 (as of 8/21/2008)
Iraq: 33,923 (as of 8/21/2008)
The Stolen Valor Act of 2005 sets out penalties for people who falsely claim to have been awarded the Purple Heart. The Act states that any false verbal, written or physical claim, or selling of the Purple Heart Medal, by an individual to whom it has not been awarded, is a federal offense punishable by jail time and/or a fine
The actual order includes the phrase, "Let it be known that he who wears the military order of the purple heart has given of his blood in the defense of his homeland and shall forever be revered by his fellow countrymen."
The Badge of Military Merit was only awarded to three Revolutionary War soldiers and fell into disuse following the War of Independence. Sgts. Daniel Bissel, William Brown and Elijah Churchill were awarded the first Purple Heart in recognition of their "unusual gallantry, extraordinary fidelity and essential service." It was a heart shaped patch made of purple cloth.
Although never abolished, the award of the badge was not proposed again officially until after World War I.
On 10 October 1927,Army Chief of Staff General Charles Summerall directed that a draft bill be sent to Congress "to revive the Badge of Military Merit". The bill was withdrawn and action on the case ceased on 03 January 1928, but the office of the Adjutant General was instructed to file all materials collected for possible future use. A number of private interests sought to have the medal re instituted in the Army. One of these was the board of directors of the Fort Ticonderoga Museum.
Before 1932, the Army and Navy needed distinctive insignia for soldiers or sailors who had been wounded during enemy actions. The United States took its cue from the British and French, and authorized a wound stripe. For each time an American was wounded, he was allowed to wear one gold bullion chevron, point down, on the cuff of his right sleeve.
On 07 January 1931, Summerall’s successor, General Douglas MacArthur, confidentially reopened work on a new design, involving the Washington Commission of Fine Arts. This new design was issued on the bicentennial of George Washington's birth. Elizabeth Will, an Army heraldic specialist in the Office of the Quartermaster General, was named to redesign the newly revived medal, which became known as the Purple Heart.
The Commission of Fine Arts solicited plaster models from three leading sculptors for the medal, selecting that of John Sinnock of the Philadelphia Mint in May 1931. By Executive Order, the Purple Heart was revived on the 200th Anniversary of George Washington's birth, out of respect to his memory and military achievements, by War Department General Orders No. 3, dated 22 February 1789.
The Purple Heart award is a heart-shaped medal within a gold border, 1 3⁄8 inches (35 mm) wide, containing a profile of General George Washington. Above the heart appears a shield of the coat of arms of George Washington (a white shield with two red bars and three red stars in chief) between sprays of green leaves.
The reverse consists of a raised bronze heart with the words FOR MILITARY MERIT below the coat of arms and leaves. The ribbon is 1 and 3⁄8 inches wide and consists of the following stripes: 1⁄8 inch white; 1 1⁄8 inches purple 67115; and 1⁄8 inch white.
As with other combat medals, multiple awards are denoted by award stars for the Navy,Marine corps, or Coast Guard, or oak leaf clusters for the Army and Air Force.
The criteria were announced in a War department circular dated 22 February 1932 and authorized award to soldiers, upon their request, who had been awarded the Meritorious Service Citation Certificate, Army Wound Ribbon, or were authorized to wear Wound Chevrons subsequent to 05 April 1917, the day before the United States entered World War I.
The first Purple Heart was awarded to MacArthur. During the early period of American involvement in World War II, the Purple Heart was awarded both for wounds received in action against the enemy and for meritorious performance of duty.
With the establishment of the Legion of Merit, by an Act of Congress, the practice of awarding the Purple Heart for meritorious service was discontinued.
By Executive Order 9277, dated 03 December 1942, the decoration was extended to be applicable to all services and the order required that regulations of the Services be uniform in application as far as practicable. This executive order also authorized the award only for wounds received.
Executive Order 11016, dated 25 April 1962, included provisions for posthumous award of the Purple Heart. Executive Order 12464, dated 23 February 1984, authorized award of the Purple Heart as a result of terrorist attacks or while serving as part of a peacekeeping force subsequent to 28 March 1973.
The Senate approved an amendment to the 1985 Defense Authorization Bill on 13 June 1985 which changed the precedence from immediately above the Good Conduct Medal to immediately above the Meritorious Service Medals. Public Law 99-145 authorized the award for wounds received as a result of friendly fire. Public Law 104-106 expanded the eligibility date, authorizing award of the Purple Heart to a former prisoner of war who was wounded before 25 April 1962.
The National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 1998 (Public Law 105-85) changed the criteria to delete authorization for award of the Purple Heart Medal to any civilian national of the United States while serving under competent authority in any capacity with the Armed Forces. This change was effective 18 may 1998.
During World War II, nearly 500,000 Purple Heart medals were manufactured in anticipation of the estimated casualties resulting from the planned Allied invasion of Japan.
To the present date, all the American military casualties of the sixty years following the end of World War II — including the Korean and Vietnam Wars — have not exceeded that number.
In 2003, there were still 120,000 of these Purple Heart medals in stock. There are so many in surplus that combat units in Iraq and Afghanistan and United States are able to keep Purple Hearts on-hand for immediate award to wounded soldiers on the field.
The "History" section of the November 2008 edition of National Geographic estimated the number of purple hearts given as below. Above the estimates, the text reads, "Any tally of Purple Hearts is an estimate. Awards are often given during conflict; records aren't always exact" (page 33).
World War II: 964,409
Korea: 136,936
Vietnam: 200,676
Persian Gulf: 590
Afghanistan: 2,743 (as of 8/21/2008)
Iraq: 33,923 (as of 8/21/2008)
The Stolen Valor Act of 2005 sets out penalties for people who falsely claim to have been awarded the Purple Heart. The Act states that any false verbal, written or physical claim, or selling of the Purple Heart Medal, by an individual to whom it has not been awarded, is a federal offense punishable by jail time and/or a fine
Monday, January 19, 2009
Taliban TV Guide
Taliban TV Guide
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Osama In The Middle"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Torture"
8:30 - "Who Wants to be a Terrorist"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "Dharma & Mohammed"
8:30 - "That Taliban Show"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Survivor - Afghanistan!"
8:30 - "Touched by an Infidel"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet-Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Afganistan's Funniest Surveillance Tapes"
9:00 - "What Law & Order?"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Osama In The Middle"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Torture"
8:30 - "Who Wants to be a Terrorist"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "Dharma & Mohammed"
8:30 - "That Taliban Show"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Survivor - Afghanistan!"
8:30 - "Touched by an Infidel"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet-Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Afganistan's Funniest Surveillance Tapes"
9:00 - "What Law & Order?"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The pattern of U.S. Military Operations Since World War II
The Pattern of U.S. Military Operations Since World War II
A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search for a pattern in US military activities since World War II that might predict what the future missions of the US will be in the post-Cold War world.
"We think they are spelling out a message," explained an unnamed spokesperson. "Just look at the places where the US has fought: Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua and Somalia.
Being a Wheel of Fortune fan, If you rearrange the first letters of those countries, it spells 'ELVIS _S KING.' We just need to find another 'I' country to complete the message."
Who's next, Italy, India, Ireland, Indonesia, Indiana . . . ?
A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search for a pattern in US military activities since World War II that might predict what the future missions of the US will be in the post-Cold War world.
"We think they are spelling out a message," explained an unnamed spokesperson. "Just look at the places where the US has fought: Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua and Somalia.
Being a Wheel of Fortune fan, If you rearrange the first letters of those countries, it spells 'ELVIS _S KING.' We just need to find another 'I' country to complete the message."
Who's next, Italy, India, Ireland, Indonesia, Indiana . . . ?
New Iraqi Town Names
New Iraqi Town Names
Now that the B-1's, B-2's, B-52's, TLAMs, F-14's, F-15's, F-16's, F/A-18's, Tornados, Harriers, F-117's, and field artillery have reorganized Iraq's landscape, our intelligence has discovered they have renamed some of their towns, no doubt in order to confuse us. These new names include:
Wherz-Myroof
Mykamel-Izded
OKraph-Dissizbad
Waddi-El-Izgowinon
Pleez-Ztopdibomin
Kizz-Yerbuht-Goodbi
Ikantstan-Disnomore
Wha-Tahel-Wazi-Tinkin
Myturbin-Izburnin
Now that the B-1's, B-2's, B-52's, TLAMs, F-14's, F-15's, F-16's, F/A-18's, Tornados, Harriers, F-117's, and field artillery have reorganized Iraq's landscape, our intelligence has discovered they have renamed some of their towns, no doubt in order to confuse us. These new names include:
Wherz-Myroof
Mykamel-Izded
OKraph-Dissizbad
Waddi-El-Izgowinon
Pleez-Ztopdibomin
Kizz-Yerbuht-Goodbi
Ikantstan-Disnomore
Wha-Tahel-Wazi-Tinkin
Myturbin-Izburnin
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Life, I Learned As a Helicopter Crewman In Vietnam
Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Life, I Learned As a Helicopter Crewman In Vietnam
by Bobby McBride
Crew Chief
128th Assault Helicopter Company Phu Loi, RVN 3/69 - 3/70
NEVER FORGET!
1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
2. Helicopters are cool!
3. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
4. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
5. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
6. A billfold in your hip pocket can numb your leg and be a real pain in the ass.
7. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
8. Letters from home are not always great.
9. The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.
10. Share everything. Even the Pound Cake.
11. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
12. The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive.
13. The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
14. Sometimes, being good and lucky still was not enough. There is always payback.
15. "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
16. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
17. The BSR (Bang Stare Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
18. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
19. It does too get cold in Vietnam.
20. No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".
21. Gravity: It may not be fair, but it is the law.
22. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
23. If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.
24. It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.
25. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
26. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
27. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
28. Combat pay is a flawed concept.
29. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
30. Air superiority is NOT a luxury.
31. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
32. It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.
32a. Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.
33. While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.
34. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.
35. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
36. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls (given to you by guards) even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.
37. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
38. Boxes of cookies from home must be shared.
39. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.
40. Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.
41. There is no such thing as a small firefight.
42. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
43. The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
44. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
44a. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
45. Being shot hurts.
46. Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
48. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.
49. Nomex is NOT fire proof.
50. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.
51. Living and dying can both hurt a lot.
53. While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.
54. C-4 can make a dull day fun.
55. Cocoa Powder is neither.
56. There is no such thing as a fair fight, only ones where you win or lose.
57. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
58. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.
59. If you have extra, share it quickly.
60. Always make sure someone has a P-38.
61. A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.
62. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
63. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
64. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
65. Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.
66. A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life simply because someone forgot this fact.
67. "You have the right to remain silent" is always EXCELLENT advice.
"Like the book says, we may be through with the past but the past is not through with us" - from Magnolia the movie
by Bobby McBride
Crew Chief
128th Assault Helicopter Company Phu Loi, RVN 3/69 - 3/70
NEVER FORGET!
1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
2. Helicopters are cool!
3. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
4. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
5. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
6. A billfold in your hip pocket can numb your leg and be a real pain in the ass.
7. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
8. Letters from home are not always great.
9. The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.
10. Share everything. Even the Pound Cake.
11. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
12. The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive.
13. The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
14. Sometimes, being good and lucky still was not enough. There is always payback.
15. "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
16. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
17. The BSR (Bang Stare Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
18. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
19. It does too get cold in Vietnam.
20. No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".
21. Gravity: It may not be fair, but it is the law.
22. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
23. If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.
24. It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.
25. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
26. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
27. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
28. Combat pay is a flawed concept.
29. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
30. Air superiority is NOT a luxury.
31. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
32. It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.
32a. Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.
33. While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.
34. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.
35. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
36. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls (given to you by guards) even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.
37. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
38. Boxes of cookies from home must be shared.
39. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.
40. Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.
41. There is no such thing as a small firefight.
42. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
43. The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
44. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
44a. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
45. Being shot hurts.
46. Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
48. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.
49. Nomex is NOT fire proof.
50. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.
51. Living and dying can both hurt a lot.
53. While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.
54. C-4 can make a dull day fun.
55. Cocoa Powder is neither.
56. There is no such thing as a fair fight, only ones where you win or lose.
57. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
58. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.
59. If you have extra, share it quickly.
60. Always make sure someone has a P-38.
61. A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.
62. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
63. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
64. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
65. Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.
66. A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life simply because someone forgot this fact.
67. "You have the right to remain silent" is always EXCELLENT advice.
"Like the book says, we may be through with the past but the past is not through with us" - from Magnolia the movie
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Hello, Senator Kennedy
Hello, Senator Kennedy
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note on his own cell phone to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry.
Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.
Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note on his own cell phone to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry.
Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.
Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A Marine in Hell
A Marine In Hell
A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell.
He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.
He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. "
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you like to fight?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!
Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're going to hate Fridays.
A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell.
He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.
He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. "
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you like to fight?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!
Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're going to hate Fridays.
Monday, January 12, 2009
What does that shirt say?
What Does That Shirt Say?
An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says "Marines suck".
Sure enough, two Marines walk up.
One of the Marines says, "WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!"
So the Army guy responds, "That's the first thing I hate about Marines, they cant read."
The other Marine growls, "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!"
The Army guy responds, "That's the second thing I hate about Marines, they cant hear."
Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside.
Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed.
The bartender asks what happened to the two Marines.
The army guy responds, "That’s the third thing I hate about Marines, they bring knives to gunfights."
An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says "Marines suck".
Sure enough, two Marines walk up.
One of the Marines says, "WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!"
So the Army guy responds, "That's the first thing I hate about Marines, they cant read."
The other Marine growls, "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!"
The Army guy responds, "That's the second thing I hate about Marines, they cant hear."
Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside.
Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed.
The bartender asks what happened to the two Marines.
The army guy responds, "That’s the third thing I hate about Marines, they bring knives to gunfights."
Co-Pilot talking rules
C0-Pilot Talking Rules
The only three things a wingman should ever say are:
Two's up.
Lead, you're on fire.
I'll take the fat chick.
And in a multi-place aircraft, there are only three things the copilot should ever say:
Nice landing, Sir.
I'll buy the first round.
I'll take the fat chick.
As a new copilot on a bomber, I was told to only say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
Clear on the right.
Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).
The only three things a wingman should ever say are:
Two's up.
Lead, you're on fire.
I'll take the fat chick.
And in a multi-place aircraft, there are only three things the copilot should ever say:
Nice landing, Sir.
I'll buy the first round.
I'll take the fat chick.
As a new copilot on a bomber, I was told to only say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
Clear on the right.
Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).
Mental Health Outsourcing
Mental Health Outsourcing
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck
Innovative ways to deal with a random drug test taken in front of a witness
Innovative Ways to Deal With a Random Drug Test (you have to do it in a cup in front of a witness.)
Ask your observer if he wants to race.
Wear a diaper.
Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything accept antibacterial soap.
Inquire about a "take home cup."
Get your privates stuck in your zipper.
After four-and-a-half hours of holding it, pee so hard you knock the cup out of your hand.
When the nurse asks you to witness the cup being empty, insist that you have to stick your finger in there to "check it out for yourself."
When they call your name, walk to the counter looking really concerned. Calmly explain to the nurse that you haven't studied for this test, and want to know if there's any extra credit.
Put some water in your boot before the test. When you get to the peeing part, take off your boot, pour it into the cup, and shamefully say that you just couldn't wait.
Ask the observer to slap you on your rear-end a few times, just to get things going for you.
Bring a drink umbrella for your cup.
Since this person has probably seen a lot of people pee, ask him how you measure up.
Before you start, self-check for hernias (turn, cough, etc...)
Wear a condom.
Ask your observer if he wants to race.
Wear a diaper.
Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything accept antibacterial soap.
Inquire about a "take home cup."
Get your privates stuck in your zipper.
After four-and-a-half hours of holding it, pee so hard you knock the cup out of your hand.
When the nurse asks you to witness the cup being empty, insist that you have to stick your finger in there to "check it out for yourself."
When they call your name, walk to the counter looking really concerned. Calmly explain to the nurse that you haven't studied for this test, and want to know if there's any extra credit.
Put some water in your boot before the test. When you get to the peeing part, take off your boot, pour it into the cup, and shamefully say that you just couldn't wait.
Ask the observer to slap you on your rear-end a few times, just to get things going for you.
Bring a drink umbrella for your cup.
Since this person has probably seen a lot of people pee, ask him how you measure up.
Before you start, self-check for hernias (turn, cough, etc...)
Wear a condom.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Saddam's Lesser Known Relatives
Saddam's Lesser-Known Relatives
Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, many of Saddam Hussein's lesser-known relatives are coming to the attention of American authorities including:
Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the Australian half-brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins by his the African wife
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the Internet czar
Biliray..............the country music star
Ecksray...........the radiologist
Puray...............the gourmet chef
Regay...............the Jamaican half-brother
Tupay...............the brother with the bad hair
Lattay...............the sister who works in Starbucks
Bufay...............the chubby sister
Dushay.............the very clean sister
Phayray............the zookeeper sister who works in the gorilla house
Sapheway.........the sister who works in a grocery store
Ollay................the Mexican half-sister
Gudlay.............the slutty sister
And finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, many of Saddam Hussein's lesser-known relatives are coming to the attention of American authorities including:
Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the Australian half-brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins by his the African wife
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the Internet czar
Biliray..............the country music star
Ecksray...........the radiologist
Puray...............the gourmet chef
Regay...............the Jamaican half-brother
Tupay...............the brother with the bad hair
Lattay...............the sister who works in Starbucks
Bufay...............the chubby sister
Dushay.............the very clean sister
Phayray............the zookeeper sister who works in the gorilla house
Sapheway.........the sister who works in a grocery store
Ollay................the Mexican half-sister
Gudlay.............the slutty sister
And finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
How to prepare for a deployment to Iraq
How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
21. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
22. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
23. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
24. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
25. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
26. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
27. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
28. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
29. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
30. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
31. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
32. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
33. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
34. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
35. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
36. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
37. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
38. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
39. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
21. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
22. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
23. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
24. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
25. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
26. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
27. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
28. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
29. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
30. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
31. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
32. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
33. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
34. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
35. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
36. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
37. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
38. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
39. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Fighter Pilot Jokes
Fighter Pilot Jokes
Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?
A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
How to simulate life in the Army.
How to Simulate Life in the Army
1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.
2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can't talk.
3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.
4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.
5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they can't use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection.
8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.
9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and give me 20!"
10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, "Unserviceable."
12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 5pm.
13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review.
14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.
17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don't run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.
18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.
19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.
20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.
24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them.
27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns and call it a deployment.
28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.
29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.
32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don't let them eat or sleep again for two days.
33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "block leave." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house.
38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu.
39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay."
40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.
41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk.
42. Don't change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk.
43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.
47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
48. Buy a trash can, but don't use it. Store the garbage in your hole.
49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to "check the perimeter."
50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole.
51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again.
52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference.
53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.
54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout "Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!" Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.
55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular "Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?" Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular "Negative contact, Lost-Three out." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.
2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can't talk.
3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.
4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.
5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they can't use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection.
8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.
9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and give me 20!"
10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, "Unserviceable."
12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 5pm.
13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review.
14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.
17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don't run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.
18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.
19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.
20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.
21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.
24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them.
27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns and call it a deployment.
28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.
29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.
32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don't let them eat or sleep again for two days.
33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "block leave." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house.
38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu.
39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay."
40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.
41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk.
42. Don't change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk.
43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.
47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
48. Buy a trash can, but don't use it. Store the garbage in your hole.
49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to "check the perimeter."
50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole.
51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again.
52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference.
53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.
54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout "Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!" Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.
55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular "Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?" Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular "Negative contact, Lost-Three out." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
Monday, January 5, 2009
How to simulate the life of a sailor.
How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor
Buy a steel dumpster, paint it haze-gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
Repaint your entire house every month. Color Choices-Haze Grey or Dark Grey
Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the "head").
Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub(shower-stall) and move the shower head to chest level. When you take a shower, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. (Wet down, turn off water, soap down, Turn on water rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are showers that last more than one(1) Minute)
Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. (call it "water hours")
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
Put all your clothes under your mattress to press them!
Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. (call it "PQS- Qualifications")
Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. (call it "Morning Muster Call")
Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. (call it "Early-Liberty")
Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Start referring to the garbage bins as "SHIT-CAN's")
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. (call it "Mail Call")
Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it "Movie Call")
Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse cock sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. (Horse cock= BOLOGNA)
Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off
Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich OR HORSE COCK on stale bread. (Midrats=MIDNIGHT RATIONS)
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it "FIRE DRILL")
Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)
Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (call it "QUARTERDECK WATCH")
When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a bucket so you can puke in it.
Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it, drinking hot coffee when in 145 down there in front of the boilers, that's a cool day! In the Persian Gulf it gets hotter!
Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears, and tell the barber just a little off the sides.
Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house because you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.
Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!
Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on your wife's butt cheeks or a Choo Choo train coming out your butt hole.
Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not required!
Shout out every time a women comes into your room, "female in quarters"!
Buy a steel dumpster, paint it haze-gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
Repaint your entire house every month. Color Choices-Haze Grey or Dark Grey
Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the "head").
Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub(shower-stall) and move the shower head to chest level. When you take a shower, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. (Wet down, turn off water, soap down, Turn on water rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are showers that last more than one(1) Minute)
Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. (call it "water hours")
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
Put all your clothes under your mattress to press them!
Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. (call it "PQS- Qualifications")
Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. (call it "Morning Muster Call")
Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. (call it "Early-Liberty")
Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Start referring to the garbage bins as "SHIT-CAN's")
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. (call it "Mail Call")
Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it "Movie Call")
Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse cock sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. (Horse cock= BOLOGNA)
Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off
Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich OR HORSE COCK on stale bread. (Midrats=MIDNIGHT RATIONS)
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it "FIRE DRILL")
Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)
Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (call it "QUARTERDECK WATCH")
When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a bucket so you can puke in it.
Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it, drinking hot coffee when in 145 down there in front of the boilers, that's a cool day! In the Persian Gulf it gets hotter!
Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears, and tell the barber just a little off the sides.
Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house because you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.
Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!
Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on your wife's butt cheeks or a Choo Choo train coming out your butt hole.
Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not required!
Shout out every time a women comes into your room, "female in quarters"!
There's something about a Gunny...
There's Something about a Gunny . . . .
One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess.When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded.They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate.
At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.
The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.
The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant’s conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning.
At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.
One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess.When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded.They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate.
At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.
The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.
The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant’s conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning.
At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.
When the Chief dies.
When the Chief Dies
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
You may be a Taliban if....
You May Be a Taliban, If ...
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
How to poop at work (and other people's houses)
How to poop at work (and other people's houses).
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Military deck of cards
Deck of Cards
It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard. The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week. As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk. Just then an army sergeant came in and said, 'Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?' The soldier replied, 'I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord.'
The sergeant said, 'Looks to me like you're going to play cards.' The soldier said, 'No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country, I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying t his deck of cards.'
The sergeant asked in disbelief, 'How will you do that?'
'You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God.
The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John .
The Five is for the five virgins, there were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for.'
It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard. The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week. As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk. Just then an army sergeant came in and said, 'Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?' The soldier replied, 'I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord.'
The sergeant said, 'Looks to me like you're going to play cards.' The soldier said, 'No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country, I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying t his deck of cards.'
The sergeant asked in disbelief, 'How will you do that?'
'You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God.
The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.
The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John .
The Five is for the five virgins, there were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for.'
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