13. Just tryin' to impress the chicks.
12. NATO strategists were loathe to open maps of the area because refolding them can be difficult and annoying.
11. "Kosovo?! We though you said KOKOMO!"
10. Bombardier still pissed off about his Yugo.
9. Chinese embassy "just too shiny to ignore."
8. Pilot's ugly little secret: never COULD hit those womprats back home in Beggar's Canyon.
7. Totally hammered after losing a game of "quarters" to Boris Yeltsin.
6. Canadian navigator busy extolling virtues of Celine Dion.
5. Pilot playing Kosovo bingo needed B5, not G2.
4. Forgot to adjust for weight of Slim Pickens.
3. Male pilots refused to stop and ask for directions.
2. General Magoo has no comment.
1. NATO headquarters dinner order for "take out Chinese" was grossly misunderstood.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Military word/phrase origins
Military word/phrase origins.
HORRIBLE ETYMOLOGICAL REVELATION. In 1941 American military etymology lovers discovered with horror that the abbreviation CINCUS (Commander-in-Chief, US Fleet) implied the invitation to the enemy 'Sink Us'. The abbreviation abetting the enemy was hastily changed.
ETYMOLOGY TORPEDOED. Everybody knows about that naval weapon 'torpedo'. But only few people are aware of the connection of this word with the fish world though the torpedo was often called a 'tin-fish', a 'kipper', etc. The word 'torpedo' is a metaphorical transfer from the name in Latin of an electric ray from the family Torpedinidae which possesses a peculiar organ enabling it to stun its prey with electric shock.
EIGHTBALL. 'Eightball' is a highly uncomplimentary slang word standing for a rather objectionable character ('gold brick', 'goof'). The word owes its origin to the billiard game where the number 8 ball has some restrictive associations which make it an object of disapproval. Namely, in a pocket billiard game, popular in the USA, the player loses if he directs the eight ball into the pocket. Hence, the phrase 'be behind the eightball' (in trouble).
In the Army the word has likely connections with the expression 'Section 8' which was a section of provisions specifying the reasons for discharge from military service. 'Section 8' defined the reasons for discharge for reasons of mental, psychiatric deficiencies and therefore 'Section 8' figuratively means a 'psycho', a 'moron'.
DRONE. A drone is a collective name for pilotless aircraft. But original meaning was and is 'the male of the honeybee and other bees'. This particular kind of the insect through clear associations was connected with such notions as 'one who lives on the labor of others', 'an idler', 'a sluggard'.
These associations underlie the transfer of the meaning to an aircraft which was steered by remote control without a pilot. Initially, pilotless aircraft were used as air targets for training AA gun crews. These targets were marked with black stripes along the tail part of the fuselage. These stripes looked like those of a drone (the insect). Hence, the nickname.
Nowadays pilotless aircraft are distinguished as drones and RPVs (remotely-piloted vehicles). Drones are program-guided while RPVs are piloted from a distance by operators. It is curious to know that bomber air crews called jokingly air gunners 'drones'. Probably because air gunners were idle during flights and had only lots of things to do when firing at enemy fighters.
SEESAW BATTLE. 'Seesaw battle' is fighting with inconclusive result for both sides, with ups and down of war luck. A very well-known plaything of children (a rocking plank with a support at the middle) used to provide fun for kids was associated with some combat operations. British also use the phrase 'ding-dong battle' where 'ding-dong' is a figurative expression of back and forth motion of the knocker of a bell.
HORRIBLE ETYMOLOGICAL REVELATION. In 1941 American military etymology lovers discovered with horror that the abbreviation CINCUS (Commander-in-Chief, US Fleet) implied the invitation to the enemy 'Sink Us'. The abbreviation abetting the enemy was hastily changed.
ETYMOLOGY TORPEDOED. Everybody knows about that naval weapon 'torpedo'. But only few people are aware of the connection of this word with the fish world though the torpedo was often called a 'tin-fish', a 'kipper', etc. The word 'torpedo' is a metaphorical transfer from the name in Latin of an electric ray from the family Torpedinidae which possesses a peculiar organ enabling it to stun its prey with electric shock.
EIGHTBALL. 'Eightball' is a highly uncomplimentary slang word standing for a rather objectionable character ('gold brick', 'goof'). The word owes its origin to the billiard game where the number 8 ball has some restrictive associations which make it an object of disapproval. Namely, in a pocket billiard game, popular in the USA, the player loses if he directs the eight ball into the pocket. Hence, the phrase 'be behind the eightball' (in trouble).
In the Army the word has likely connections with the expression 'Section 8' which was a section of provisions specifying the reasons for discharge from military service. 'Section 8' defined the reasons for discharge for reasons of mental, psychiatric deficiencies and therefore 'Section 8' figuratively means a 'psycho', a 'moron'.
DRONE. A drone is a collective name for pilotless aircraft. But original meaning was and is 'the male of the honeybee and other bees'. This particular kind of the insect through clear associations was connected with such notions as 'one who lives on the labor of others', 'an idler', 'a sluggard'.
These associations underlie the transfer of the meaning to an aircraft which was steered by remote control without a pilot. Initially, pilotless aircraft were used as air targets for training AA gun crews. These targets were marked with black stripes along the tail part of the fuselage. These stripes looked like those of a drone (the insect). Hence, the nickname.
Nowadays pilotless aircraft are distinguished as drones and RPVs (remotely-piloted vehicles). Drones are program-guided while RPVs are piloted from a distance by operators. It is curious to know that bomber air crews called jokingly air gunners 'drones'. Probably because air gunners were idle during flights and had only lots of things to do when firing at enemy fighters.
SEESAW BATTLE. 'Seesaw battle' is fighting with inconclusive result for both sides, with ups and down of war luck. A very well-known plaything of children (a rocking plank with a support at the middle) used to provide fun for kids was associated with some combat operations. British also use the phrase 'ding-dong battle' where 'ding-dong' is a figurative expression of back and forth motion of the knocker of a bell.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Get your dollar bill out....
Who was Hayim Solomon?
On the rear of the One Dollar bill, you will see two circles. Together, they comprise the Great Seal of the United States . The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid.
Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the west or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin 's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
'IN GOD WE TRUST' is on this currency.
The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, 'God has favored our undertaking.'
The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, 'a new order has begun.'
At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. (MDCCLXXVI)
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery , and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States , and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own.
At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation.
In the Eagle's beak you will read, ' E PLURIBUS UNUM' meaning,'one from many.'
Above the Eagle, you have the thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one.
Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this:
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in, 'Annuit Coeptis,' 13 letters in 'E Pluribus Unum,'
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits,
and if you look closely,
13 arrows.
And finally, if you notice the arrangement of the 13 stars in the right-hand circle you will see that they are arranged as a Star of David.
This was ordered by George Washington who, when he asked Hayim Solomon, a wealthy Philadelphia Jew, what he would like as a personal reward for his services to the Continental Army, Solomon said he wanted nothing for himself but that he would like something for his people. The Star of David was the result.
Few people know that it was Solomon who saved the Army through his financial contributions but died a pauper.
I ask people, 'Why don't you know this?'
Your children don't know this, and their history teachers don't know this.
Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.
In memory of over 58,048 Brothers that never returned, Vietnam 59-75.
In memory of over 4,212 Brothers that never returned, Iraq 03-08 (over 30,879 have been wounded).
In memory of over 208 Brothers that never returned, Afghanastan 01-08.
Just a bit of American knowledge I wanted to pass on.
God Bless our troops.
God Bless my Vietnam Vet M/C Brothers.
God Bless my Legacy Vets M/C Brothers
God Bless America.
On the rear of the One Dollar bill, you will see two circles. Together, they comprise the Great Seal of the United States . The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid.
Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the west or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin 's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
'IN GOD WE TRUST' is on this currency.
The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, 'God has favored our undertaking.'
The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, 'a new order has begun.'
At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. (MDCCLXXVI)
If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery , and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States , and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own.
At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation.
In the Eagle's beak you will read, ' E PLURIBUS UNUM' meaning,'one from many.'
Above the Eagle, you have the thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one.
Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this:
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in, 'Annuit Coeptis,' 13 letters in 'E Pluribus Unum,'
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits,
and if you look closely,
13 arrows.
And finally, if you notice the arrangement of the 13 stars in the right-hand circle you will see that they are arranged as a Star of David.
This was ordered by George Washington who, when he asked Hayim Solomon, a wealthy Philadelphia Jew, what he would like as a personal reward for his services to the Continental Army, Solomon said he wanted nothing for himself but that he would like something for his people. The Star of David was the result.
Few people know that it was Solomon who saved the Army through his financial contributions but died a pauper.
I ask people, 'Why don't you know this?'
Your children don't know this, and their history teachers don't know this.
Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.
In memory of over 58,048 Brothers that never returned, Vietnam 59-75.
In memory of over 4,212 Brothers that never returned, Iraq 03-08 (over 30,879 have been wounded).
In memory of over 208 Brothers that never returned, Afghanastan 01-08.
Just a bit of American knowledge I wanted to pass on.
God Bless our troops.
God Bless my Vietnam Vet M/C Brothers.
God Bless my Legacy Vets M/C Brothers
God Bless America.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Leave and Liberty standards
Leave and liberty standards
MARINES: None.
ARMY: 4 hours a week.
NAVY: 2 days a week.
AIR FORCE: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.
MARINES: None.
ARMY: 4 hours a week.
NAVY: 2 days a week.
AIR FORCE: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.
Freezing the balls off a brass monkey
"Freezing the Balls Off the Brass Monkey," a Navy Phrase about Cannon Balls-Fiction!
Summary of the e-Rumor
This piece of alleged history explains that in the olden days of sailing ships, cannon balls were stacked on the decks on brass plates called "monkeys." The plates had indentions in them that held the balls on the bottoms of the stacks. Brass, however, expands and contracts with the temperature and if it got cold enough, the cannon balls could fall...giving real foundation to the phrase "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"
The Truth
According to the United States Navy Historical Center, this is a legend of the sea without historical justification. The center has researched this because of the questions it gets and says the term "brass monkey" and a vulgar reference to the effect of cold on the monkey's extremities, appears to have originated in the book "Before the Mast" by C.A. Abbey. It was said that it was so cold that it would "freeze the tail off a brass monkey." The Navy says there is no evidence that the phrase had anything to do with ships or ships with cannon balls
Summary of the e-Rumor
This piece of alleged history explains that in the olden days of sailing ships, cannon balls were stacked on the decks on brass plates called "monkeys." The plates had indentions in them that held the balls on the bottoms of the stacks. Brass, however, expands and contracts with the temperature and if it got cold enough, the cannon balls could fall...giving real foundation to the phrase "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"
The Truth
According to the United States Navy Historical Center, this is a legend of the sea without historical justification. The center has researched this because of the questions it gets and says the term "brass monkey" and a vulgar reference to the effect of cold on the monkey's extremities, appears to have originated in the book "Before the Mast" by C.A. Abbey. It was said that it was so cold that it would "freeze the tail off a brass monkey." The Navy says there is no evidence that the phrase had anything to do with ships or ships with cannon balls
National Guard glossary
National guard glossary
National Guard Leadership:
'Commander' - Whoever starts the unit.
'Second in Command' - His best friend or closest relative.
'Auxiliary Commander' - His wife or mom.
'Intelligence Chief' - The guy with a police scanner and his mom's email account.
'Informant' - the first one of us who gets caught doing anything illegal.
National Guard Rank Structure:
'General' - National Guard Commander (Number of stars on hat reflect size of head.)
'Colonel' - His best friend.
'Major' - Wives, moms, friends and whoever lets you use their property to 'train.'
'Captain' - New guy.
'Officer' - Guy who pulls you over for having no tags on your truck.
'Private' - Highest rank actually attained by commander before being kicked out of the real military.
National Guard Command sizes:
'Battalion' - A National Guard Unit with 3-5 guys who show up for every meeting.
'Brigade' - Unit with more than 6 guys.
'Division' - Harder than subtraction but easier than algebra.
'Company' - Place where we order our National Guard stuff.
'Platoon' - Movie about Vietnam which gives us 'flashbacks,' (even though we were in high school at the time.)
'Squad' - Guys in the ambulance who come out when one of us falls or accidentally shoots someone during training.
National Guard Unit Specialties and Capabilities:
'Internet National Guard' - Number unknown. Source for secret information the government does not want anyone to know. Capable of sending mean faxes, SPAM and flaming email when provoked. (USCMike, PMIL, EAGLEFLT, etc.)
'Mail Order National Guard' (MONG) - Numbering in the dozens. Most often seen on television news wearing home made uniforms with awards and patches for wars we never fought in. Capable of newsletter creation, mean faxes, SPAM and creation of tons of 'documentation' when provoked.
'Shortwave Radio National Guard' - About a half dozen active. Specialize in selling books, videos, gold, silver and canned food while begging for donations so we can 'keep getting the truth out.' Capable of basically embarrassing themselves when provoked.
'State National Guard' - Sometimes as many as 20 guys per state. Capable of enhancing careers of federal agents and infighting like schoolgirls when provoked.
National Guard Terminology:
'National Guard Headquarters' - Mom's basement, garage or the trailer of whoever has the fax machine.
'Enemy' - NWO, UN and other National Guard leaders who lie about me.
'Full auto' - Three in front seat, four in back, National Guard stuff in trunk.
'Operation' - Stuff the doctor does after the squad takes you to the hospital for hurting yourself.
'New World Order' - Bar codes on beer cans, warnings on cigarette packs, cameras in K-mart and anything else we don't like or understand.
'Common Law Grand Jury' - Ten or more old people practicing law without a clue.
'Federal Agent' - Any National Guard commander who says anything bad about me.
'Global Conspiracy' - Why tornados target our trailers, why our sisters/wives have facial hair and why we only manage to make minimum wage (even though many of us have a GED.)
'U.N. Troops' - Foreign soldiers hidden everywhere, sent in by NWO to spy on the National Guard. Anyone wearing anything light blue in color.
'Leaderless Resistance' - Where we do something really stupid without any pre-planning or supervision.
'Training' - Cleaning guns while eating MRE's and watching the movie 'Red Dawn.'
'God, Guns and Guts' - Well, we've got guns.
National Guard Leadership:
'Commander' - Whoever starts the unit.
'Second in Command' - His best friend or closest relative.
'Auxiliary Commander' - His wife or mom.
'Intelligence Chief' - The guy with a police scanner and his mom's email account.
'Informant' - the first one of us who gets caught doing anything illegal.
National Guard Rank Structure:
'General' - National Guard Commander (Number of stars on hat reflect size of head.)
'Colonel' - His best friend.
'Major' - Wives, moms, friends and whoever lets you use their property to 'train.'
'Captain' - New guy.
'Officer' - Guy who pulls you over for having no tags on your truck.
'Private' - Highest rank actually attained by commander before being kicked out of the real military.
National Guard Command sizes:
'Battalion' - A National Guard Unit with 3-5 guys who show up for every meeting.
'Brigade' - Unit with more than 6 guys.
'Division' - Harder than subtraction but easier than algebra.
'Company' - Place where we order our National Guard stuff.
'Platoon' - Movie about Vietnam which gives us 'flashbacks,' (even though we were in high school at the time.)
'Squad' - Guys in the ambulance who come out when one of us falls or accidentally shoots someone during training.
National Guard Unit Specialties and Capabilities:
'Internet National Guard' - Number unknown. Source for secret information the government does not want anyone to know. Capable of sending mean faxes, SPAM and flaming email when provoked. (USCMike, PMIL, EAGLEFLT, etc.)
'Mail Order National Guard' (MONG) - Numbering in the dozens. Most often seen on television news wearing home made uniforms with awards and patches for wars we never fought in. Capable of newsletter creation, mean faxes, SPAM and creation of tons of 'documentation' when provoked.
'Shortwave Radio National Guard' - About a half dozen active. Specialize in selling books, videos, gold, silver and canned food while begging for donations so we can 'keep getting the truth out.' Capable of basically embarrassing themselves when provoked.
'State National Guard' - Sometimes as many as 20 guys per state. Capable of enhancing careers of federal agents and infighting like schoolgirls when provoked.
National Guard Terminology:
'National Guard Headquarters' - Mom's basement, garage or the trailer of whoever has the fax machine.
'Enemy' - NWO, UN and other National Guard leaders who lie about me.
'Full auto' - Three in front seat, four in back, National Guard stuff in trunk.
'Operation' - Stuff the doctor does after the squad takes you to the hospital for hurting yourself.
'New World Order' - Bar codes on beer cans, warnings on cigarette packs, cameras in K-mart and anything else we don't like or understand.
'Common Law Grand Jury' - Ten or more old people practicing law without a clue.
'Federal Agent' - Any National Guard commander who says anything bad about me.
'Global Conspiracy' - Why tornados target our trailers, why our sisters/wives have facial hair and why we only manage to make minimum wage (even though many of us have a GED.)
'U.N. Troops' - Foreign soldiers hidden everywhere, sent in by NWO to spy on the National Guard. Anyone wearing anything light blue in color.
'Leaderless Resistance' - Where we do something really stupid without any pre-planning or supervision.
'Training' - Cleaning guns while eating MRE's and watching the movie 'Red Dawn.'
'God, Guns and Guts' - Well, we've got guns.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Life in the 1500's
* LIFE IN THE 1500'S *
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor.
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring ! !
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor.
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring ! !
Yesterday, December 7th...
Yesterday, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.
The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.
Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American Island of Oahu, the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or of armed attack.
It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.
Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against Malaya. Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong. Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam. Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands. Last night the Japanese attacked Wake Island. This morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.
Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.
As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.
But always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.
With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounding determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.
I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December seventh, 1941 a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire.
The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.
Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American Island of Oahu, the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or of armed attack.
It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.
Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against Malaya. Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong. Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam. Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands. Last night the Japanese attacked Wake Island. This morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.
Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.
As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.
But always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.
With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounding determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.
I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December seventh, 1941 a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire.
NCO's and Officers
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be an Officer". "I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be an Officer". "I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Privates to Sergeants
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside.
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"
.
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside.
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"
.
Friday, November 28, 2008
If an anaconda attacks...
If an anaconda attacks
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another .
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic .
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic .
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another .
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic .
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic .
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Words of Thomas Jefferson
The history, writings and teachings of our founding fathers seem to be lost in this era. It seems, there is a disturbing number who are willing to claim the principles of our founding principals are archaic and must be swept away in favor of our newly defined mantra of political correctness. The guarantees of freedom are centered on self betterment through opportunity not simply the right to something for nothing.
We face no new challenges today. The idea we face anything our nation has not come face to face with before is wrought upon us by failed students of history. The confrontation that we truly face is will we repeat the same mistakes that have resulted in the eventual self destruction of every form of self government since we were put upon the earth.
When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe. Thomas Jefferson
The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. Thomas Jefferson
It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. Thomas Jefferson
I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. Thomas Jefferson
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government. Thomas Jefferson
No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. Thomas Jefferson
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. Thomas Jefferson
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Thomas Jefferson
To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical. Thomas Jefferson
In light of the present financial crisis, it's interesting to read what Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered."
We face no new challenges today. The idea we face anything our nation has not come face to face with before is wrought upon us by failed students of history. The confrontation that we truly face is will we repeat the same mistakes that have resulted in the eventual self destruction of every form of self government since we were put upon the earth.
When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe. Thomas Jefferson
The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. Thomas Jefferson
It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. Thomas Jefferson
I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. Thomas Jefferson
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government. Thomas Jefferson
No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. Thomas Jefferson
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. Thomas Jefferson
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Thomas Jefferson
To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical. Thomas Jefferson
In light of the present financial crisis, it's interesting to read what Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered."
Rules of friendship
Rules of friendship
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!!
9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!!
9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!
Friday, November 21, 2008
What is a Vietnam Veteran?
What is a Vietnam Veteran?
Vietnam veterans are men and women. We are dead or alive, whole or maimed, sane or haunted. We grew from our experiences or we were destroyed by them or we struggle to find some place in between. We lived through hell or we had a pleasant, if scary, adventure. We were Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Red Cross, and civilians of all sorts. Some of us enlisted to fight for God and Country, and some were drafted. Some were gung-ho, and some went kicking and screaming.
Like veterans of all wars, we lived a tad bit--or a great bit--closer to death than most people like to think about. If Vietnam vets differ from others, perhaps it is primarily in the fact that many of us never saw the enemy or recognized him or her. We heard gunfire and mortar fire but rarely looked into enemy eyes. Those who did, like folks who encounter close combat anywhere and anytime, are often haunted for life by those eyes, those sounds, those electric fears that ran between our enemies, and the likelihood of death for one of us. Or we get hard, calloused, and tough. It’s all in a day's work. Life's a bitch; then you die. But most of us remember and get twitchy, worried, and sad. We are crazies dressed in cammo, wide-eyed, wary, homeless, and drunk. We are Brooks Brothers suit wearers, doing deals downtown. We are housewives, grandmothers, and church deacons. We are college professors engaged in the rational pursuit of the truth about the history or politics or culture of the Vietnam experience. And we are sleepless, often sleepless.
We pushed paper; we pushed shovels. We drove jeeps, operated bulldozers, built bridges; we toted machine guns through dense brush, deep paddy, and thorn scrub. We lived on buffalo milk, fish heads and rice, C-rations, or steaks and Budweiser. We did our time in high mountains drenched by endless monsoon rains or on the dry plains or on muddy rivers or at the most beautiful beaches in the world. We wore berets, bandanas, flop hats, and steel pots. Flak jackets, canvas, rash, and rot. We ate cloroquine and got malaria anyway. We got shots constantly but have diseases nobody can diagnose. We spent our nights on cots or shivering in foxholes filled with waist-high water or lying still on cold wet ground, our eyes imagining Charlie behind every bamboo blade. Or we slept in hotel beds in Saigon or barracks in Thailand or in cramped ships' berths at sea.
We feared we would die or we feared we would kill. We simply feared, and often we still do. We hate the war or believe it was the best thing that ever happened to us. We blame Uncle Sam or Uncle Ho and their minions and secretaries and apologists for every wart or cough or tic of an eye. We wonder if Agent Orange got us.
Mostly--and this I believe with all my heart--mostly, we wish we had not been so alone. Some of us went with units; but many, probably most of us, were civilians one day, jerked up out of "the world," shaved, barked at, insulted, humiliated, de-ego-tized and taught to kill, to fix radios, to drive trucks. We went, put in our time, and were equally ungraciously plucked out of the morass and placed back in the real world. But now we smoked dope, shot skag, or drank heavily. Our wives or husbands seemed distant and strange. Our friends wanted to know if we shot anybody.
And life went on, had been going on, as if we hadn't been there, as if Vietnam was a topic of political conversation or college protest or news copy, not a matter of life and death for tens of thousands.
Vietnam vets are people just like you. We served our country, proudly or reluctantly or ambivalently. What makes us different--what makes us Vietnam vets--is something we understand, but we are afraid nobody else will. But we appreciate your asking.
Vietnam veterans are white, black, beige, and shades of gray. Our ancestors came from Africa, from Europe, and China. Or they crossed the Bering Sea Land Bridge in the last Ice Age and formed the nations of American Indians, built pyramids in Mexico, or farmed acres of corn on the banks of Chesapeake Bay. We had names like Rodriguez and Stein and Smith and Kowalski. We were Americans, Australians, Canadians, and Koreans.
We were farmers, students, mechanics, steelworkers, nurses, and priests when the call came that changed us all forever. We had dreams and plans, and they all had to change...or wait. We were daughters and sons, lovers and poets, beatniks and philosophers, convicts and lawyers. We were rich and poor. We were educated or not. We grew up in slums, in shacks, in duplexes, and bungalows and houseboats and hooches. We were cowards and heroes. Sometimes we were cowards one moment and heroes the next.
Many of us have never seen Vietnam. Some were stationed on both sides of the “conflict.” Others waited at home for those we loved. And for some of us, our worst fears were realized. For others, our loved ones came back but never would be the same. We came home and marched in protest marches, sucked in tear gas, and shrieked our anger and horror for all to hear. Or we sat alone in small rooms, in VA hospital wards, in places where only the crazy ever go.
We are Republicans, Democrats, Socialists, Confucians, Buddhists and Atheists--though as usually is the case, even the atheists among us sometimes prayed to get out of there alive. We are hungry, and we are sated, full of life or clinging to death. We are injured, and we are curers, despairing and hopeful, loved or lost. We got too old too quickly, but some of us have never grown up. We want, desperately, to go back, to heal wounds, and revisit the sites of our horror.
Or we want never to see that place again, to bury it, its memories, its meaning. We want to forget, and we wish we could remember. Despite our differences, we have so much in common. There are few of us who don't know how to cry, though we often do it alone when nobody will ask, "what's wrong?" We're afraid we might have to answer. If you want to know what a Vietnam veteran is, get in your car next weekend or cage a friend with a car to drive you. Go to Washington. Go to the Wall. It's going to be Veterans Day weekend. There will be hundreds there...no, thousands. Watch them. Listen to them. Go touch the Wall with them. Rejoice a bit. Cry a bit. No, cry a lot. Some of them will. They’re Vietnam Veterans; and, after 33 years or more, some are just beginning to understand what that means.
Vietnam veterans are men and women. We are dead or alive, whole or maimed, sane or haunted. We grew from our experiences or we were destroyed by them or we struggle to find some place in between. We lived through hell or we had a pleasant, if scary, adventure. We were Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Red Cross, and civilians of all sorts. Some of us enlisted to fight for God and Country, and some were drafted. Some were gung-ho, and some went kicking and screaming.
Like veterans of all wars, we lived a tad bit--or a great bit--closer to death than most people like to think about. If Vietnam vets differ from others, perhaps it is primarily in the fact that many of us never saw the enemy or recognized him or her. We heard gunfire and mortar fire but rarely looked into enemy eyes. Those who did, like folks who encounter close combat anywhere and anytime, are often haunted for life by those eyes, those sounds, those electric fears that ran between our enemies, and the likelihood of death for one of us. Or we get hard, calloused, and tough. It’s all in a day's work. Life's a bitch; then you die. But most of us remember and get twitchy, worried, and sad. We are crazies dressed in cammo, wide-eyed, wary, homeless, and drunk. We are Brooks Brothers suit wearers, doing deals downtown. We are housewives, grandmothers, and church deacons. We are college professors engaged in the rational pursuit of the truth about the history or politics or culture of the Vietnam experience. And we are sleepless, often sleepless.
We pushed paper; we pushed shovels. We drove jeeps, operated bulldozers, built bridges; we toted machine guns through dense brush, deep paddy, and thorn scrub. We lived on buffalo milk, fish heads and rice, C-rations, or steaks and Budweiser. We did our time in high mountains drenched by endless monsoon rains or on the dry plains or on muddy rivers or at the most beautiful beaches in the world. We wore berets, bandanas, flop hats, and steel pots. Flak jackets, canvas, rash, and rot. We ate cloroquine and got malaria anyway. We got shots constantly but have diseases nobody can diagnose. We spent our nights on cots or shivering in foxholes filled with waist-high water or lying still on cold wet ground, our eyes imagining Charlie behind every bamboo blade. Or we slept in hotel beds in Saigon or barracks in Thailand or in cramped ships' berths at sea.
We feared we would die or we feared we would kill. We simply feared, and often we still do. We hate the war or believe it was the best thing that ever happened to us. We blame Uncle Sam or Uncle Ho and their minions and secretaries and apologists for every wart or cough or tic of an eye. We wonder if Agent Orange got us.
Mostly--and this I believe with all my heart--mostly, we wish we had not been so alone. Some of us went with units; but many, probably most of us, were civilians one day, jerked up out of "the world," shaved, barked at, insulted, humiliated, de-ego-tized and taught to kill, to fix radios, to drive trucks. We went, put in our time, and were equally ungraciously plucked out of the morass and placed back in the real world. But now we smoked dope, shot skag, or drank heavily. Our wives or husbands seemed distant and strange. Our friends wanted to know if we shot anybody.
And life went on, had been going on, as if we hadn't been there, as if Vietnam was a topic of political conversation or college protest or news copy, not a matter of life and death for tens of thousands.
Vietnam vets are people just like you. We served our country, proudly or reluctantly or ambivalently. What makes us different--what makes us Vietnam vets--is something we understand, but we are afraid nobody else will. But we appreciate your asking.
Vietnam veterans are white, black, beige, and shades of gray. Our ancestors came from Africa, from Europe, and China. Or they crossed the Bering Sea Land Bridge in the last Ice Age and formed the nations of American Indians, built pyramids in Mexico, or farmed acres of corn on the banks of Chesapeake Bay. We had names like Rodriguez and Stein and Smith and Kowalski. We were Americans, Australians, Canadians, and Koreans.
We were farmers, students, mechanics, steelworkers, nurses, and priests when the call came that changed us all forever. We had dreams and plans, and they all had to change...or wait. We were daughters and sons, lovers and poets, beatniks and philosophers, convicts and lawyers. We were rich and poor. We were educated or not. We grew up in slums, in shacks, in duplexes, and bungalows and houseboats and hooches. We were cowards and heroes. Sometimes we were cowards one moment and heroes the next.
Many of us have never seen Vietnam. Some were stationed on both sides of the “conflict.” Others waited at home for those we loved. And for some of us, our worst fears were realized. For others, our loved ones came back but never would be the same. We came home and marched in protest marches, sucked in tear gas, and shrieked our anger and horror for all to hear. Or we sat alone in small rooms, in VA hospital wards, in places where only the crazy ever go.
We are Republicans, Democrats, Socialists, Confucians, Buddhists and Atheists--though as usually is the case, even the atheists among us sometimes prayed to get out of there alive. We are hungry, and we are sated, full of life or clinging to death. We are injured, and we are curers, despairing and hopeful, loved or lost. We got too old too quickly, but some of us have never grown up. We want, desperately, to go back, to heal wounds, and revisit the sites of our horror.
Or we want never to see that place again, to bury it, its memories, its meaning. We want to forget, and we wish we could remember. Despite our differences, we have so much in common. There are few of us who don't know how to cry, though we often do it alone when nobody will ask, "what's wrong?" We're afraid we might have to answer. If you want to know what a Vietnam veteran is, get in your car next weekend or cage a friend with a car to drive you. Go to Washington. Go to the Wall. It's going to be Veterans Day weekend. There will be hundreds there...no, thousands. Watch them. Listen to them. Go touch the Wall with them. Rejoice a bit. Cry a bit. No, cry a lot. Some of them will. They’re Vietnam Veterans; and, after 33 years or more, some are just beginning to understand what that means.
1945 versus today
1945 - Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 bullet and killed the enemy with one shot.
Today - Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 bullet, and wound the enemy, if you can hit him.
1945 -The winning side used a U.S. made .45 pistol. The losers used European 9mm.
Today - We use European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45 and we have been out of ammunition for years.
1945 - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Today - If you smoke, you are sent outside and treated like a leper.
1945 - NCO’s had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Today - Everyone has a computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945 - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Today - If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
1945 - You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Today - You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don’t hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.
1945 - Canteens were made of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Today - Canteens are made of plastic. You can’t heat anything in them and they always taste of plastic.
1945 - Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Today - Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.
1945 - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Today - They collect our pee and analyze it – 5 times a month.
1945 - If you didn’t act right, the commander might put you in the stockade ‘till you straighten up.
Today - If you don’t act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
1945 - Medals are awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Today - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.
1945 - You ate in the Mess Hall. It was free and you could have the food you wanted.
Today - You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.
1945 - If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO club or Officers Club.
Today - You go to the “All Ranks Club,” the beer will cost $1.75 plus tax, membership is forced, someone is watching how much you drink, and the MP’s will give you a ticket the second you walk out the door.
1945 - You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Today - AAFES charges you tax but pockets the money themselves because it’s on a military reservation.
1945 - The Px/BX had bargains for GI’s who didn’t make much money.
Today - You can better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.
1945 - We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Today - We are wearing the Nazi helmets.
1945 - We called the enemy things like “Krauts” and “Japs” because we didn’t like them.
Today - We call the enemy things like “opposing forces” and “aggressors” so we don’t offend the people we are trying to kill.
1945 - Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken, and you could go home.
Today - Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry, and you stay to police the area for years and rebuild what you destroyed.
1945 - If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Today - If you bring anything home at all as a trophy you get a court martial.
1945 - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Today - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
1945 - After the war, you could buy your own rifle off the government.
Today - You can’t be trusted with your own rifle; and you’ll be jailed if you ever get one.
1945 - Wars were planned and run by real Generals with lots of important victories.
Today - Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids.
1945 - All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Today - All you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Today - Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 bullet, and wound the enemy, if you can hit him.
1945 -The winning side used a U.S. made .45 pistol. The losers used European 9mm.
Today - We use European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45 and we have been out of ammunition for years.
1945 - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Today - If you smoke, you are sent outside and treated like a leper.
1945 - NCO’s had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Today - Everyone has a computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945 - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Today - If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
1945 - You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Today - You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don’t hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.
1945 - Canteens were made of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Today - Canteens are made of plastic. You can’t heat anything in them and they always taste of plastic.
1945 - Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Today - Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.
1945 - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Today - They collect our pee and analyze it – 5 times a month.
1945 - If you didn’t act right, the commander might put you in the stockade ‘till you straighten up.
Today - If you don’t act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
1945 - Medals are awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Today - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.
1945 - You ate in the Mess Hall. It was free and you could have the food you wanted.
Today - You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.
1945 - If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO club or Officers Club.
Today - You go to the “All Ranks Club,” the beer will cost $1.75 plus tax, membership is forced, someone is watching how much you drink, and the MP’s will give you a ticket the second you walk out the door.
1945 - You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Today - AAFES charges you tax but pockets the money themselves because it’s on a military reservation.
1945 - The Px/BX had bargains for GI’s who didn’t make much money.
Today - You can better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.
1945 - We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Today - We are wearing the Nazi helmets.
1945 - We called the enemy things like “Krauts” and “Japs” because we didn’t like them.
Today - We call the enemy things like “opposing forces” and “aggressors” so we don’t offend the people we are trying to kill.
1945 - Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken, and you could go home.
Today - Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry, and you stay to police the area for years and rebuild what you destroyed.
1945 - If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Today - If you bring anything home at all as a trophy you get a court martial.
1945 - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Today - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
1945 - After the war, you could buy your own rifle off the government.
Today - You can’t be trusted with your own rifle; and you’ll be jailed if you ever get one.
1945 - Wars were planned and run by real Generals with lots of important victories.
Today - Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids.
1945 - All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Today - All you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Mr. Rogers was a sniper in Vietnam-FICTION!
Mr. Rogers Was a Sniper In Vietnam - Fiction!
Summary of the eRumor:
Children's television personality Fed Rogers was a Navy Seal and a sniper in Vietnam with 25 confirmed kills to his credit.
The Truth:
Fred Rogers, the founder and host of the popular U.S. children's television program Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood never served in the military. There have been various false rumors about him including one that claims he always wore long-sleeved shirts to hide his tattoo's. According to his official biography from Family Communications, the producers of his show, Fred Rogers went directly from college into media.
He was first hired as an assistant producer by NBC television in New York and worked on several classic shows such as The Voice of Firestone, The Kate Smith Hour, and The NBC Opera Theatre. He was asked to help develop some of the first programming for WQED in Pittsburgh, the nation's first community-sponsored educational television station. Some of what he created was children's programming that eventually led to Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.Rogers' major in college was Music Composition but he later attended both Pittsburgh Theological Seminary and the University of Pittsburgh's Graduate School of Child Development and was ordained a Presbyterian minister in 1963. He died on February 27, 2003 at his home in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Summary of the eRumor:
Children's television personality Fed Rogers was a Navy Seal and a sniper in Vietnam with 25 confirmed kills to his credit.
The Truth:
Fred Rogers, the founder and host of the popular U.S. children's television program Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood never served in the military. There have been various false rumors about him including one that claims he always wore long-sleeved shirts to hide his tattoo's. According to his official biography from Family Communications, the producers of his show, Fred Rogers went directly from college into media.
He was first hired as an assistant producer by NBC television in New York and worked on several classic shows such as The Voice of Firestone, The Kate Smith Hour, and The NBC Opera Theatre. He was asked to help develop some of the first programming for WQED in Pittsburgh, the nation's first community-sponsored educational television station. Some of what he created was children's programming that eventually led to Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.Rogers' major in college was Music Composition but he later attended both Pittsburgh Theological Seminary and the University of Pittsburgh's Graduate School of Child Development and was ordained a Presbyterian minister in 1963. He died on February 27, 2003 at his home in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Actor Lee Marvin giving tribute to the heroism of fellow Marine Bob Keeshan (Captain Kangaroo)-FICTION!
Actor Lee Marvin Giving Tribute to the Heroism of Fellow Marine Bob Keeshan (Captain Kangaroo)-Fiction!
Summary of the eRumor:
The message says that Lee Marvin appeared on the Tonight Show in the 70's when host Johnny Carson brought up Marvin's record in the Marines. Carson said people may not have known that Marvin fought in Iwo Jima, one of the best known battles of World War II, and was awarded the Navy Cross. Marvin then tells a story of heroism in battle about the bravest man he ever knew who was also awarded the Navy Cross...Bob Keeshan who later became best known as Captain Kangaroo.
The Truth:
This story almost complete fabrication. Lee Marvin and Bob Keeshan did both serve in the Marines. Before his death in January, 2004, it was checked with Bob Keeshan, who was living in Vermont, and he said he never served at Iwo Jima, was not presented with the Navy Cross and, in fact, never saw combat.
There is no record of Lee Marvin at Iwo Jima or winning the Navy Cross. According to a biography that is on file at TruthOrFiction.com, Marvin did see a lot of action in the Pacific participating in the invasions at Kwajalein and Eniwetok and was wounded in Saipan, in the butt, for which he was awarded the Purple Heart. Marvin is buried in Arlington Cemetery.
In March, 2008, somebody combined the stories of Captain Kangaroo, Lee Marvin, and another about the popular children's television personality Mr. Rogers into a single email---saying that all three of them were war heroes.
Summary of the eRumor:
The message says that Lee Marvin appeared on the Tonight Show in the 70's when host Johnny Carson brought up Marvin's record in the Marines. Carson said people may not have known that Marvin fought in Iwo Jima, one of the best known battles of World War II, and was awarded the Navy Cross. Marvin then tells a story of heroism in battle about the bravest man he ever knew who was also awarded the Navy Cross...Bob Keeshan who later became best known as Captain Kangaroo.
The Truth:
This story almost complete fabrication. Lee Marvin and Bob Keeshan did both serve in the Marines. Before his death in January, 2004, it was checked with Bob Keeshan, who was living in Vermont, and he said he never served at Iwo Jima, was not presented with the Navy Cross and, in fact, never saw combat.
There is no record of Lee Marvin at Iwo Jima or winning the Navy Cross. According to a biography that is on file at TruthOrFiction.com, Marvin did see a lot of action in the Pacific participating in the invasions at Kwajalein and Eniwetok and was wounded in Saipan, in the butt, for which he was awarded the Purple Heart. Marvin is buried in Arlington Cemetery.
In March, 2008, somebody combined the stories of Captain Kangaroo, Lee Marvin, and another about the popular children's television personality Mr. Rogers into a single email---saying that all three of them were war heroes.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Bet ya didn't know this.....
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
A 2 x 4 is really 1-1/2" x 3-1/2".
During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance and Charlton Heston is wearing a watch.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in world War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Weatherman Williard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.
The first CD pressed in the U.S. was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look a like contest.
An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better than men.
It is imposssible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of cards represents a great king or leader from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Ceasar
If a statue of a person on a horse that has both front legs in the air, indicates the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace.
47% of the people that read this, tried to lick their elbow!!
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
A 2 x 4 is really 1-1/2" x 3-1/2".
During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance and Charlton Heston is wearing a watch.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in world War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Weatherman Williard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.
The first CD pressed in the U.S. was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look a like contest.
An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better than men.
It is imposssible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of cards represents a great king or leader from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Ceasar
If a statue of a person on a horse that has both front legs in the air, indicates the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace.
47% of the people that read this, tried to lick their elbow!!
Who said this?
You unlock this door with the key of imagination.
Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sight, a dimension of sound, a dimension of mind.
You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.
A fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man.
It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge.
You've just crossed over.
This is the dimension of imagination.
This is................
Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sight, a dimension of sound, a dimension of mind.
You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.
A fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man.
It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge.
You've just crossed over.
This is the dimension of imagination.
This is................
The Gettysburg Address
The Gettysburg Address, a speech delivered by Abraham Lincoln on Nov. 19, 1863, at the dedication of the national cemetery on the Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, Pa. It is one of the most famous and most quoted of modern speeches. The final version of the address prepared by Lincoln, differing in detail from the spoken address, reads:
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Military rules
Military rules
U.S. Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
U.S. Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
U.S. Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines
U.S. Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
U.S. Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
U.S. Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines
Monday, November 17, 2008
Remote assignment
We've all heard the story of that officer who made the General so mad that the General threatened to send him to operate a one-man radar station at the North Pole.
Well, I've met such an officer. Captain Randy Hatmaker of the United States Air Force was awarded this assignment after a particularly nasty practical joke (involving green jello and the General's swimming pool) backfired.The Site was so remote, that Captain Hatmaker was told he would probably have no company for the entire year he would be there. The closest humans, he was told, was a "very small" Marine encampment about 50 miles away.
After about three months of absolutely no human contact, Captain Hatmaker heard a loud knock on the door to his pre-fab hut. He opened the door, and saw the biggest, roughest looking Marine he had ever seen in his life! In a deep, rough voice, the Marine introduced himself as Major Hofkin from the Marine encampment "nearby."
The major said, "I know how lonely it is up here, and I'd like to invite you over to the Marine encampment for a party this Friday."Captain Hatmaker said, "Great! It really is lonely here! And I've heard that the Marines throw really great parties!"
The Major said, "Okay then. I have to warn you, however, there will probably be some drinking going on at this party.""Heck," the Captain replied, "I'm a drinker from way back. I can probably drink most Marines under the table."
"Okay," said the Major, "but I have to warn you. There will probably be a fight or two breaking out before the party is over.""No Problem," the Air Force Captain replied. "I know the Marines are tough, but I think I can hold my own."
"Okay," said the Major, "But I should warn you, I wouldn't be surprised if there turns out to be a little wild sex going on.""Count me in!" Said the Captain, "I haven't even thought of sex for the past two months! What should I wear to the party?"
"Wear anything you'd like," said the Major. It's just going to be you and me.
Well, I've met such an officer. Captain Randy Hatmaker of the United States Air Force was awarded this assignment after a particularly nasty practical joke (involving green jello and the General's swimming pool) backfired.The Site was so remote, that Captain Hatmaker was told he would probably have no company for the entire year he would be there. The closest humans, he was told, was a "very small" Marine encampment about 50 miles away.
After about three months of absolutely no human contact, Captain Hatmaker heard a loud knock on the door to his pre-fab hut. He opened the door, and saw the biggest, roughest looking Marine he had ever seen in his life! In a deep, rough voice, the Marine introduced himself as Major Hofkin from the Marine encampment "nearby."
The major said, "I know how lonely it is up here, and I'd like to invite you over to the Marine encampment for a party this Friday."Captain Hatmaker said, "Great! It really is lonely here! And I've heard that the Marines throw really great parties!"
The Major said, "Okay then. I have to warn you, however, there will probably be some drinking going on at this party.""Heck," the Captain replied, "I'm a drinker from way back. I can probably drink most Marines under the table."
"Okay," said the Major, "but I have to warn you. There will probably be a fight or two breaking out before the party is over.""No Problem," the Air Force Captain replied. "I know the Marines are tough, but I think I can hold my own."
"Okay," said the Major, "But I should warn you, I wouldn't be surprised if there turns out to be a little wild sex going on.""Count me in!" Said the Captain, "I haven't even thought of sex for the past two months! What should I wear to the party?"
"Wear anything you'd like," said the Major. It's just going to be you and me.
Getting in shape for basic training.
Getting in shape for basic training
I'm often asked for the best method of getting in shape for military basic training.
For those who have spent their teenage years in front of the TV, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.
Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
I'm often asked for the best method of getting in shape for military basic training.
For those who have spent their teenage years in front of the TV, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.
Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
Military Evolution
Military Evolution.
The first evolutionary stage was the Navy. The sailor was an aquatic creature that spent most of his time in the sea, up to nine months a year. While usually having a mate, the sailor returned to the nest infrequently to procreate and pass on exotic trinkets to his offspring.
The second evolutionary stage was the Marine Corps. This creature is often grouped with the Navy class by some scientists, causing heated debate. While frequently found with the Navy specimen, the Marine was a creature unique from the Navy, probably growing legs to operate on the land during the Jurassic Period. The Marine would often leave its family as well, sometimes to join it's Navy cousins in the sea, more often to join other Marines on the ground. The Marine was a highly ritualized creature that still remains mysterious to modern man.
The third evolutionary stage was the Army. Unlike the other two creatures, the soldier disliked the water and chose to remain almost exclusively on the ground. It too strayed from its home often, but always to other dry land locations, where it would fight with other species, or sometimes, attempt to keep two other species from fighting one another. Recently, the soldier has changed its distinctive head-dress, causing some distress in its primitive hierarchy.
The fourth evolutionary stage is the Air Force. Until relatively recently, the airman has been grouped with the Army by researchers. The airman has the ability to fly, but only a select group within the Air Force hierarchy are able to actually fly. Apparently, the rest of the airmen support those capable of flight in various methods. It is unknown if the rest of the group will eventually sprout wings, or if they will remain in their support status.
There is a fifth species, the Coast Guard, but it is unknown to researchers if they are part of the evolutionary cycle or a creature unto themselves.
The first evolutionary stage was the Navy. The sailor was an aquatic creature that spent most of his time in the sea, up to nine months a year. While usually having a mate, the sailor returned to the nest infrequently to procreate and pass on exotic trinkets to his offspring.
The second evolutionary stage was the Marine Corps. This creature is often grouped with the Navy class by some scientists, causing heated debate. While frequently found with the Navy specimen, the Marine was a creature unique from the Navy, probably growing legs to operate on the land during the Jurassic Period. The Marine would often leave its family as well, sometimes to join it's Navy cousins in the sea, more often to join other Marines on the ground. The Marine was a highly ritualized creature that still remains mysterious to modern man.
The third evolutionary stage was the Army. Unlike the other two creatures, the soldier disliked the water and chose to remain almost exclusively on the ground. It too strayed from its home often, but always to other dry land locations, where it would fight with other species, or sometimes, attempt to keep two other species from fighting one another. Recently, the soldier has changed its distinctive head-dress, causing some distress in its primitive hierarchy.
The fourth evolutionary stage is the Air Force. Until relatively recently, the airman has been grouped with the Army by researchers. The airman has the ability to fly, but only a select group within the Air Force hierarchy are able to actually fly. Apparently, the rest of the airmen support those capable of flight in various methods. It is unknown if the rest of the group will eventually sprout wings, or if they will remain in their support status.
There is a fifth species, the Coast Guard, but it is unknown to researchers if they are part of the evolutionary cycle or a creature unto themselves.
Down the line....
The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on U.S. military recreation preferences:
Sport of choice for Marines: bowling.
Sport of choice for Sailors: football.
Sport of choice for Soldiers: baseball.
Sport of choice for Coast Guardsmen: tennis.
Sport of choice for Airmen: golf.
Notice how the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get.
Sport of choice for Marines: bowling.
Sport of choice for Sailors: football.
Sport of choice for Soldiers: baseball.
Sport of choice for Coast Guardsmen: tennis.
Sport of choice for Airmen: golf.
Notice how the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get.
REAL SERGEANTS.....
1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Have a spine.
3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
4. Can see in the Dark.
5. Have eyes in the back of their heads.
6. Still don't trust the Russians or Chinese.
7. Still hate the French.
8. Don't know how to be politically correct.
9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct.
10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under "Shit" in the UCMJ.
11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."
12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.
13. Do not fear women in the military.
14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.
15. Still know how to use a buffer.
16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911 A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.
17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
20. Idolize John Wayne.
21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".
22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
23. Really don't like taking shit from those who haven't "been there".
24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice.
26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
27. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
28. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say.
29. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
30. Have enough fatigues or BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.
31. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce).
32. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
33. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.
34. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
35. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it.
36. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
47. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.
2. Have a spine.
3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
4. Can see in the Dark.
5. Have eyes in the back of their heads.
6. Still don't trust the Russians or Chinese.
7. Still hate the French.
8. Don't know how to be politically correct.
9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct.
10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under "Shit" in the UCMJ.
11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."
12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.
13. Do not fear women in the military.
14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.
15. Still know how to use a buffer.
16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911 A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.
17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
20. Idolize John Wayne.
21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".
22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
23. Really don't like taking shit from those who haven't "been there".
24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice.
26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
27. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
28. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say.
29. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
30. Have enough fatigues or BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.
31. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce).
32. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
33. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.
34. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
35. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it.
36. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
47. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military.
The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military:
The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."
The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."
The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."
Even more scary:
A Pfc with a badge.
A 2nd lieutenent with a map.
The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."
The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."
The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."
Even more scary:
A Pfc with a badge.
A 2nd lieutenent with a map.
The V.A. Loan
Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA.
He soon received a reply from the VA.:
"We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.:
"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803.This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles -- almost as careful as the V.A.-- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God.
f) God created the world.
g) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original title holder of the property in question.
He soon received a reply from the VA.:
"We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.:
"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803.This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles -- almost as careful as the V.A.-- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God.
f) God created the world.
g) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original title holder of the property in question.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Punch Back
What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn’t believe in retaliation:
1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can!!
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time!!!
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back!!!!!!
1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can!!
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time!!!
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back!!!!!!
Taliban jokes and riddles
Q: What do bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, ...................yet.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: How is bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q: What's the difference between Christmas and Osama bin Laden?
A: There will be a Christmas in December
Q: How many bin Laden terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one may ever know.
Q: What's orange and looks good on Taliban militiamen?
A: Napalm.
Q: What do you get when you cross a B-52 bomber and Osama bin Ladin?
A: an expensive fire work show
Q: How do you clear a Afghanistan bingo hall?
A: Yell B-52 as loud as you can
A: Nothing, ...................yet.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: How is bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q: What's the difference between Christmas and Osama bin Laden?
A: There will be a Christmas in December
Q: How many bin Laden terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one may ever know.
Q: What's orange and looks good on Taliban militiamen?
A: Napalm.
Q: What do you get when you cross a B-52 bomber and Osama bin Ladin?
A: an expensive fire work show
Q: How do you clear a Afghanistan bingo hall?
A: Yell B-52 as loud as you can
You got to be kidding me?
A lot of people ask where the saying "You gotta be kiddin' me" came from. Here's the story behind it....
Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.
An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.
One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.
Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.
Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington said, "Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without Peters."
She looked at him and said: "You gotta be kiddin' me."
Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.
An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.
One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.
Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.
Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington said, "Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without Peters."
She looked at him and said: "You gotta be kiddin' me."
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Military Compromise
The Installation Commander and his wife were out having dinner at the officers club when a good-looking blonde came over and open-mouth kissed the husband right in front of the wife and said "I'll see you tomorrow for a nooner right sweetie?" And walked away.
The wife couldn't believe her eyes, "Who was that?" She demanded.
He replied: "My mistress."
The wife then told her husband she wanted a divorce.
"That's fine," Said the base commander. "But that means no more shopping at the commissary and base exchange, no more assignments in Europe, and you'll no longer be president of the Officer's Wives Club, and won't be able to lord it over the other wives."
At that moment in walked a colonel with a woman on his arm. When the wife asked who the woman with the colonel was the base commander said, "That's Peter's mistress"
The wife looked back at the colonel and his mistress and grinned, "Ours is prettier."
The wife couldn't believe her eyes, "Who was that?" She demanded.
He replied: "My mistress."
The wife then told her husband she wanted a divorce.
"That's fine," Said the base commander. "But that means no more shopping at the commissary and base exchange, no more assignments in Europe, and you'll no longer be president of the Officer's Wives Club, and won't be able to lord it over the other wives."
At that moment in walked a colonel with a woman on his arm. When the wife asked who the woman with the colonel was the base commander said, "That's Peter's mistress"
The wife looked back at the colonel and his mistress and grinned, "Ours is prettier."
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Did'ja jump?
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds."
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir.
I´m too scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I´m sticking this little baby up your ass.´"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds."
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir.
I´m too scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I´m sticking this little baby up your ass.´"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
ASVAB scores
The NCO Club at a base had a new robotic bartender installed.
An NCO came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"
The NCO replied, "99."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.
The NCO listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score?"
The man responded, "70."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
A third NCO came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"
The NCO replied, "40."
The robot then said, "So, what's up in the world of First Sergeants, these days?"
An NCO came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"
The NCO replied, "99."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.
The NCO listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score?"
The man responded, "70."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
A third NCO came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"
The NCO replied, "40."
The robot then said, "So, what's up in the world of First Sergeants, these days?"
Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
It's harder to pick up.
It's harder to pick up.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Mil-Spec standards and bureaucracy
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts in those old roads.
So who caused these old ruts in the old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Thus, MilSpecs and bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the butts of two war horses.
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts in those old roads.
So who caused these old ruts in the old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Thus, MilSpecs and bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the butts of two war horses.
Memo from Bin Laden
FROM:- bin LADEN, O.
SENT:- 0817 TUE 11 DEC 01
TO:- Cavemates
RE:- The Cave
Hi Guys, just a few reminders and notes;
·We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that.
·Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says, "There is no 'I' in team." as well as the one that says, 'Hang In There, Baby.'. That cat is hilarious.
·However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns:
· First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.
· Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on Earth, OK? That means that, while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter around in the background. - Just while we're taping though. Thanks.
· Food. I bought a box of Cheetos recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheetos were gone. Consideration - that's all I'm saying.
· Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Abdul, Muhammad, Akbar, and Dave.
Love you lots. Osama
SENT:- 0817 TUE 11 DEC 01
TO:- Cavemates
RE:- The Cave
Hi Guys, just a few reminders and notes;
·We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that.
·Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says, "There is no 'I' in team." as well as the one that says, 'Hang In There, Baby.'. That cat is hilarious.
·However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns:
· First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.
· Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on Earth, OK? That means that, while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter around in the background. - Just while we're taping though. Thanks.
· Food. I bought a box of Cheetos recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheetos were gone. Consideration - that's all I'm saying.
· Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Abdul, Muhammad, Akbar, and Dave.
Love you lots. Osama
Kuwait
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
How the military staffs a unit
This is dedicated to my Legacy Vets M/C Brother, Cowboy, who was an MP in the Army.
Once upon a time the military had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The Inspector General's (IG) Office performed an inspection and gave the following write-up: "Improper Security. Someone can easily steal from this area."
So, the military created positions for four MPs (Military Police) to guard the facility night and day.
The IG re-inspected, and gave the following write-up: "Improper procedures. There are no written instructions for the MPs to do their job."
So, the military created a planning section, and staffed it with two NCOs, one to write the instructions, and one to do time-studies.
The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "There are no procedures in place to ensure the MPs are performing their duties correctly."
The military responded by creating a Total Quality Management (TQM) section and staffed it with two NCOs, one to do studies and perform inspections and the other to write and file reports.
The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "Insufficient supervision. There is no definable chain-of-command."
So, the military created an administrative section, and staffed it with an officer as OIC (Officer in Charge), a senior NCO as NCOIC (Non commissioned Officer in Charge), and two enlisted administrative specialists.
The IG re-inspected, and concluded: "This operation has met the requirements of the regulations. However, the command has been in operation for only one year and is already $18,000 over budget. The command must streamline operations and cut back on unnecessary staffing positions."
So, the OIC eliminated the four MP positions.
.
Once upon a time the military had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The Inspector General's (IG) Office performed an inspection and gave the following write-up: "Improper Security. Someone can easily steal from this area."
So, the military created positions for four MPs (Military Police) to guard the facility night and day.
The IG re-inspected, and gave the following write-up: "Improper procedures. There are no written instructions for the MPs to do their job."
So, the military created a planning section, and staffed it with two NCOs, one to write the instructions, and one to do time-studies.
The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "There are no procedures in place to ensure the MPs are performing their duties correctly."
The military responded by creating a Total Quality Management (TQM) section and staffed it with two NCOs, one to do studies and perform inspections and the other to write and file reports.
The IG re-inspected and gave the following write-up: "Insufficient supervision. There is no definable chain-of-command."
So, the military created an administrative section, and staffed it with an officer as OIC (Officer in Charge), a senior NCO as NCOIC (Non commissioned Officer in Charge), and two enlisted administrative specialists.
The IG re-inspected, and concluded: "This operation has met the requirements of the regulations. However, the command has been in operation for only one year and is already $18,000 over budget. The command must streamline operations and cut back on unnecessary staffing positions."
So, the OIC eliminated the four MP positions.
.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Word Trivia
The word "pound" is abbreviated "lb." from the Latin "libra pondo" meaning weight or balance.
The word "checkmate" comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," meaning "the king is dead."
Alma Mater means "bountiful mother."
Admiral is derived from the Arabic phrase "amir al bahr," which means "lord of the sea."
Stewardesses, reverberated and lollipop are the longest words that can be typed on a keyboard using only one hand.
Skepticism is the longest word that can be typed on a keyboard that alternates hands.
Typewriter is the longest word that can be typed using the top row only.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."
Bookkeeper and bookkeeping are the only words in the English language with three consecutive double letters.
Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "lord of the flies."
The word "checkmate" comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," meaning "the king is dead."
Alma Mater means "bountiful mother."
Admiral is derived from the Arabic phrase "amir al bahr," which means "lord of the sea."
Stewardesses, reverberated and lollipop are the longest words that can be typed on a keyboard using only one hand.
Skepticism is the longest word that can be typed on a keyboard that alternates hands.
Typewriter is the longest word that can be typed using the top row only.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."
Bookkeeper and bookkeeping are the only words in the English language with three consecutive double letters.
Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "lord of the flies."
Names Trivia
The names of the three monkeys are Mizaru (see no evil), Kikazaru (hear no evil), and Iwazaru (speak no evil).
The ammunition belts in WWII were 27 feet long. If a pilot fired all his ammunition, he had fired "the whole nine yards."
University of Florida football team was the first to test a sports drink to be named after them. Gatorade.
The Greek word gymnasium means "to exercise naked." In ancient Greece, gymnasts wore no clothes. (Ahh, to bring back the good ol' days)
The term "dodger" (from the Brooklyn Dodgers) was a shortened form of "trolley dodgers" which was used to describe Brooklyites for their ability to avoid being hit by trolley cars.
The ghosts in Pac-Man are named Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde.
Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name is Aloysius.
Thomas Crapper is credited with inventing the modern day toilet.
Otto Titsling is credited with inventing the brassiere.
Civil War Major General Joseph Hooker allegedly paid prostitutes to accompany his soldiers, hence the nickname, "hookers."
A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
A barmaid reportedly decorated her establishment with the tail feathers of cocks. One day a patron asked for "one of those cock tails." she served him a drink with a feather in it.
The most common name in the world is Mohamed.
The products full name is WD-40. WD for water displacer, which was perfected on the 40th attempt. It's main ingredient is fish oil.
The two stone lions in front of the New York Public Library are currently named Patience and Fortitude.
The letter "J" does not appear anywhere within the periodic table of the elements.
Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street share the same names as Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in "It's a Wonderful Life."
The ammunition belts in WWII were 27 feet long. If a pilot fired all his ammunition, he had fired "the whole nine yards."
University of Florida football team was the first to test a sports drink to be named after them. Gatorade.
The Greek word gymnasium means "to exercise naked." In ancient Greece, gymnasts wore no clothes. (Ahh, to bring back the good ol' days)
The term "dodger" (from the Brooklyn Dodgers) was a shortened form of "trolley dodgers" which was used to describe Brooklyites for their ability to avoid being hit by trolley cars.
The ghosts in Pac-Man are named Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde.
Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name is Aloysius.
Thomas Crapper is credited with inventing the modern day toilet.
Otto Titsling is credited with inventing the brassiere.
Civil War Major General Joseph Hooker allegedly paid prostitutes to accompany his soldiers, hence the nickname, "hookers."
A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
A barmaid reportedly decorated her establishment with the tail feathers of cocks. One day a patron asked for "one of those cock tails." she served him a drink with a feather in it.
The most common name in the world is Mohamed.
The products full name is WD-40. WD for water displacer, which was perfected on the 40th attempt. It's main ingredient is fish oil.
The two stone lions in front of the New York Public Library are currently named Patience and Fortitude.
The letter "J" does not appear anywhere within the periodic table of the elements.
Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street share the same names as Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in "It's a Wonderful Life."
History Trivia
When George Washington was elected President, there was a King in France, a Tsarina in Russia, an Emperor in China, and a Shogun in Japan.
Six people died in Oregon during World War II as a result of Japanese balloon bombs.
The dome on Monticello conceals a billiard room (billiards were illegal in Virginia at that time).
Armored knights raised their helmet visors to identify themselves when they rode past royalty. This custom was evolved into the military hand salute.
Spiral staircases in medieval castles turn right as they ascend. This was so that right handed knights defending the castle could more easily combat invading foes who were climbing the stairs.
Dashing horses kicking up mud, splashing the passengers riding behind them in a carriage, led to the invention of the dashboard.
Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot.
Great Britain was the first country to issue postage stamps, so theirs are the only stamps in the world not to bear the name of the country of origin. And the glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Sputnik,the first Russian satellite, was launched on October 4, 1957, the same day that "Leave It To Beaver" debuted.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The U.S. purchased Alaska from Russia for approximately 2 cents an acre.
Robert E. Lee is the only person to date to have graduated from West Point military academy without a single demerit.
Six people died in Oregon during World War II as a result of Japanese balloon bombs.
The dome on Monticello conceals a billiard room (billiards were illegal in Virginia at that time).
Armored knights raised their helmet visors to identify themselves when they rode past royalty. This custom was evolved into the military hand salute.
Spiral staircases in medieval castles turn right as they ascend. This was so that right handed knights defending the castle could more easily combat invading foes who were climbing the stairs.
Dashing horses kicking up mud, splashing the passengers riding behind them in a carriage, led to the invention of the dashboard.
Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot.
Great Britain was the first country to issue postage stamps, so theirs are the only stamps in the world not to bear the name of the country of origin. And the glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Sputnik,the first Russian satellite, was launched on October 4, 1957, the same day that "Leave It To Beaver" debuted.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The U.S. purchased Alaska from Russia for approximately 2 cents an acre.
Robert E. Lee is the only person to date to have graduated from West Point military academy without a single demerit.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Demonstration of commitment
The Marine three-star general was giving the new recruits his patented indoctrination on commitment to the cause.
"I demand commitment from my men! Do you even think you know the meaning of the word? I'll show you!"
He turned to his aide, "Let him in," he ordered and the aide opened a side door releasing a large alligator.
The general stared straight at the new recruits. "THIS is commitment." he undid his belt and kicked off trousers. The alligator sank his teeth in the general's family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but regained his composure and shouted again, "THIS is commitment!"
He waited a few more seconds, then poked his finger in the alligator's eye. The gator let loose and scurried out the side door.
"Now you know what commitment means, it's your turn. Who's ready to show his commitment?"
There was a little murmuring, but no volunteers. finally, one private meekly stepped forward and said, "Sir, I will Sir! Just don't poke me in the eye."
"I demand commitment from my men! Do you even think you know the meaning of the word? I'll show you!"
He turned to his aide, "Let him in," he ordered and the aide opened a side door releasing a large alligator.
The general stared straight at the new recruits. "THIS is commitment." he undid his belt and kicked off trousers. The alligator sank his teeth in the general's family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but regained his composure and shouted again, "THIS is commitment!"
He waited a few more seconds, then poked his finger in the alligator's eye. The gator let loose and scurried out the side door.
"Now you know what commitment means, it's your turn. Who's ready to show his commitment?"
There was a little murmuring, but no volunteers. finally, one private meekly stepped forward and said, "Sir, I will Sir! Just don't poke me in the eye."
Sunday, October 26, 2008
National Public Radio Interview
Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!
The general was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
Female interviewer: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
Gen. Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Female Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
Gen. Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
Female Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
Gen. Reinwald: "I don't see how. We'll be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Female Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
Gen. Reinwald: "Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines.
The general was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
Female interviewer: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
Gen. Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Female Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
Gen. Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
Female Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
Gen. Reinwald: "I don't see how. We'll be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Female Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
Gen. Reinwald: "Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
You gotta love the Marines.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Dear Ma and Pa...
Dear Ma and Pa,
Am well. Hope you are too. I knows Pa don't read reel fast, so I'm writin this reel slow. Tell brothers Walt and Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Benz. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you gots to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing .Men got to shave but it is not bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings. Like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried maters, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city slickers from Ohio that live on coffee.
Their food plus holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Couch boys at home.All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even have to load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry up and join before other fellas get onto this setup and come stampeding in
.
Your loving daughter,
Dawn
Am well. Hope you are too. I knows Pa don't read reel fast, so I'm writin this reel slow. Tell brothers Walt and Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Benz. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you gots to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing .Men got to shave but it is not bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings. Like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried maters, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city slickers from Ohio that live on coffee.
Their food plus holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Couch boys at home.All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even have to load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry up and join before other fellas get onto this setup and come stampeding in
.
Your loving daughter,
Dawn
New chemical warfare
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: “Anyone know the formula for water?”
“Sure, that’s easy,” said one man.
“ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”
“What, what?” re-asked the instructor.
“H to O,” explained the chemistry expert.
“Sure, that’s easy,” said one man.
“ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”
“What, what?” re-asked the instructor.
“H to O,” explained the chemistry expert.
Change....
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again.”
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again.”
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
Flying backseat in an F-14....
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren’t laughing by the time you get to “Milk Duds,” your sense of humor is broken.
“Now this message if for America’s most famous athletes.
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back seat of one of your country’s most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have…John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity…
Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do…Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should have known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you’re thinking a Top Gun pilot named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He’s about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger crippling handshake—the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. (“T-minus 15 seconds and counting….” Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine year olds waiting for him to say, “We have a liftoff.”
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
“Bananas,” he said.
“For the potassium?” I asked.
“No,” Biff said, “because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.”
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign – like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot – but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me my safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would “egress” me out of the plane at such velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G-s, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G’s were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn’t go up there again for Derek Jeter’s black book, but I’m glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he’d send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
“Two Bags.”
“Now this message if for America’s most famous athletes.
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back seat of one of your country’s most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have…John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity…
Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do…Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should have known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you’re thinking a Top Gun pilot named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He’s about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger crippling handshake—the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. (“T-minus 15 seconds and counting….” Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine year olds waiting for him to say, “We have a liftoff.”
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
“Bananas,” he said.
“For the potassium?” I asked.
“No,” Biff said, “because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.”
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign – like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot – but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me my safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would “egress” me out of the plane at such velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G-s, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G’s were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn’t go up there again for Derek Jeter’s black book, but I’m glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he’d send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
“Two Bags.”
What time is it??????
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”
The tower responded, “Who’s calling?”
The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The tower replied,” It makes a lot of difference.
If it’s an American Airlines flight, it’s 3 o’clock.
If it’s an Air Force plane, it’s 1500 hours.
If it’s a Navy aircraft, it’s 6 bells.
If it’s an Army aircraft, the big hand in on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it’s a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to “Happy Hour.”
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”
The tower responded, “Who’s calling?”
The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The tower replied,” It makes a lot of difference.
If it’s an American Airlines flight, it’s 3 o’clock.
If it’s an Air Force plane, it’s 1500 hours.
If it’s a Navy aircraft, it’s 6 bells.
If it’s an Army aircraft, the big hand in on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it’s a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to “Happy Hour.”
Thumbs Up....
I guess we’ve all seen Air Force pilots look up just before taxi for takeoff and look at their fist to see if their thumb is sticking straight up.
The crew chief on the ground then agrees and confirms that it is there, salutes and the Air Force pilot then takes off.
Few people know the true reason for this time tested tradition. This is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm just prior to takeoff that the pilot does not have both thumbs up his ass.
The crew chief on the ground then agrees and confirms that it is there, salutes and the Air Force pilot then takes off.
Few people know the true reason for this time tested tradition. This is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm just prior to takeoff that the pilot does not have both thumbs up his ass.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Funny Quotes
“Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses and men lying in the roads – they are not there accidentally.” Soviet Infantry manual, issued in the 1930’s.
“One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine…” From a Soviet Junior Lt’s notebook.
“The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons.” Russian military doctrine.
“The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis.” From a post-war debriefing of a German General.
Pearl Harbour radio operator, “Is there anything we can provide?” Response from the Marine Commander on Wake Island: “Send us more Japs.” Said to be the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941.
In 1836, the Creek and Seminole Indian tribes in Georgia and Florida were waging war against the United States. The U.S. Army had it’s hands full. The Fifth Commandant of the Marine Corps offered the services of a regiment of Marines for duty with the Army. Henderson placed himself in command and, taking virtually the entire available strength of the Corps, left for the extended campaign after tacking a terse message on his office door which read: “Have gone to Florida to fight Indians. Will be back when War is over. “ A. Henderson, Col. Commandant.
“The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.” Italian proverb.
“Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they carry any kind of load?” William Pickering, astronomer, 1908.
“Airplanes suffer from so many technical faults that it is only a matter of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!” Scientific American (1910)
“No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.” Orville Wright
“Artillery is the King of Battle: The King cannot swim, however, which is why we need you guys.” USMC arty specialist to a group of Navy officers in Amphib Warfare Indoc Course.
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, and a lot of bitching.” Unknown.
“To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of flour. It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it is attacked by airplanes.” Newton Baker, U.S. Minister of Defense (1921)
“Samuel Morse must have lost his mind if he believes in this idea himself!” Senator Oliver Hampton Smith, after having seen a demonstration of Morse’s new invention (1842)
“Radio is just a fashion contrivance that will soon die out. It is obvious that there never will be invented a proper receiver!” Thomas Edison
“There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives.” Bumper sticker.
“One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine…” From a Soviet Junior Lt’s notebook.
“The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons.” Russian military doctrine.
“The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis.” From a post-war debriefing of a German General.
Pearl Harbour radio operator, “Is there anything we can provide?” Response from the Marine Commander on Wake Island: “Send us more Japs.” Said to be the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941.
In 1836, the Creek and Seminole Indian tribes in Georgia and Florida were waging war against the United States. The U.S. Army had it’s hands full. The Fifth Commandant of the Marine Corps offered the services of a regiment of Marines for duty with the Army. Henderson placed himself in command and, taking virtually the entire available strength of the Corps, left for the extended campaign after tacking a terse message on his office door which read: “Have gone to Florida to fight Indians. Will be back when War is over. “ A. Henderson, Col. Commandant.
“The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.” Italian proverb.
“Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they carry any kind of load?” William Pickering, astronomer, 1908.
“Airplanes suffer from so many technical faults that it is only a matter of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!” Scientific American (1910)
“No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.” Orville Wright
“Artillery is the King of Battle: The King cannot swim, however, which is why we need you guys.” USMC arty specialist to a group of Navy officers in Amphib Warfare Indoc Course.
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, and a lot of bitching.” Unknown.
“To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of flour. It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it is attacked by airplanes.” Newton Baker, U.S. Minister of Defense (1921)
“Samuel Morse must have lost his mind if he believes in this idea himself!” Senator Oliver Hampton Smith, after having seen a demonstration of Morse’s new invention (1842)
“Radio is just a fashion contrivance that will soon die out. It is obvious that there never will be invented a proper receiver!” Thomas Edison
“There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives.” Bumper sticker.
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