We've all heard the story of that officer who made the General so mad that the General threatened to send him to operate a one-man radar station at the North Pole.
Well, I've met such an officer. Captain Randy Hatmaker of the United States Air Force was awarded this assignment after a particularly nasty practical joke (involving green jello and the General's swimming pool) backfired.The Site was so remote, that Captain Hatmaker was told he would probably have no company for the entire year he would be there. The closest humans, he was told, was a "very small" Marine encampment about 50 miles away.
After about three months of absolutely no human contact, Captain Hatmaker heard a loud knock on the door to his pre-fab hut. He opened the door, and saw the biggest, roughest looking Marine he had ever seen in his life! In a deep, rough voice, the Marine introduced himself as Major Hofkin from the Marine encampment "nearby."
The major said, "I know how lonely it is up here, and I'd like to invite you over to the Marine encampment for a party this Friday."Captain Hatmaker said, "Great! It really is lonely here! And I've heard that the Marines throw really great parties!"
The Major said, "Okay then. I have to warn you, however, there will probably be some drinking going on at this party.""Heck," the Captain replied, "I'm a drinker from way back. I can probably drink most Marines under the table."
"Okay," said the Major, "but I have to warn you. There will probably be a fight or two breaking out before the party is over.""No Problem," the Air Force Captain replied. "I know the Marines are tough, but I think I can hold my own."
"Okay," said the Major, "But I should warn you, I wouldn't be surprised if there turns out to be a little wild sex going on.""Count me in!" Said the Captain, "I haven't even thought of sex for the past two months! What should I wear to the party?"
"Wear anything you'd like," said the Major. It's just going to be you and me.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Getting in shape for basic training.
Getting in shape for basic training
I'm often asked for the best method of getting in shape for military basic training.
For those who have spent their teenage years in front of the TV, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.
Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
I'm often asked for the best method of getting in shape for military basic training.
For those who have spent their teenage years in front of the TV, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.
Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand ... extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks and then 50-LB potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next...start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
Military Evolution
Military Evolution.
The first evolutionary stage was the Navy. The sailor was an aquatic creature that spent most of his time in the sea, up to nine months a year. While usually having a mate, the sailor returned to the nest infrequently to procreate and pass on exotic trinkets to his offspring.
The second evolutionary stage was the Marine Corps. This creature is often grouped with the Navy class by some scientists, causing heated debate. While frequently found with the Navy specimen, the Marine was a creature unique from the Navy, probably growing legs to operate on the land during the Jurassic Period. The Marine would often leave its family as well, sometimes to join it's Navy cousins in the sea, more often to join other Marines on the ground. The Marine was a highly ritualized creature that still remains mysterious to modern man.
The third evolutionary stage was the Army. Unlike the other two creatures, the soldier disliked the water and chose to remain almost exclusively on the ground. It too strayed from its home often, but always to other dry land locations, where it would fight with other species, or sometimes, attempt to keep two other species from fighting one another. Recently, the soldier has changed its distinctive head-dress, causing some distress in its primitive hierarchy.
The fourth evolutionary stage is the Air Force. Until relatively recently, the airman has been grouped with the Army by researchers. The airman has the ability to fly, but only a select group within the Air Force hierarchy are able to actually fly. Apparently, the rest of the airmen support those capable of flight in various methods. It is unknown if the rest of the group will eventually sprout wings, or if they will remain in their support status.
There is a fifth species, the Coast Guard, but it is unknown to researchers if they are part of the evolutionary cycle or a creature unto themselves.
The first evolutionary stage was the Navy. The sailor was an aquatic creature that spent most of his time in the sea, up to nine months a year. While usually having a mate, the sailor returned to the nest infrequently to procreate and pass on exotic trinkets to his offspring.
The second evolutionary stage was the Marine Corps. This creature is often grouped with the Navy class by some scientists, causing heated debate. While frequently found with the Navy specimen, the Marine was a creature unique from the Navy, probably growing legs to operate on the land during the Jurassic Period. The Marine would often leave its family as well, sometimes to join it's Navy cousins in the sea, more often to join other Marines on the ground. The Marine was a highly ritualized creature that still remains mysterious to modern man.
The third evolutionary stage was the Army. Unlike the other two creatures, the soldier disliked the water and chose to remain almost exclusively on the ground. It too strayed from its home often, but always to other dry land locations, where it would fight with other species, or sometimes, attempt to keep two other species from fighting one another. Recently, the soldier has changed its distinctive head-dress, causing some distress in its primitive hierarchy.
The fourth evolutionary stage is the Air Force. Until relatively recently, the airman has been grouped with the Army by researchers. The airman has the ability to fly, but only a select group within the Air Force hierarchy are able to actually fly. Apparently, the rest of the airmen support those capable of flight in various methods. It is unknown if the rest of the group will eventually sprout wings, or if they will remain in their support status.
There is a fifth species, the Coast Guard, but it is unknown to researchers if they are part of the evolutionary cycle or a creature unto themselves.
Down the line....
The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on U.S. military recreation preferences:
Sport of choice for Marines: bowling.
Sport of choice for Sailors: football.
Sport of choice for Soldiers: baseball.
Sport of choice for Coast Guardsmen: tennis.
Sport of choice for Airmen: golf.
Notice how the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get.
Sport of choice for Marines: bowling.
Sport of choice for Sailors: football.
Sport of choice for Soldiers: baseball.
Sport of choice for Coast Guardsmen: tennis.
Sport of choice for Airmen: golf.
Notice how the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get.
REAL SERGEANTS.....
1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Have a spine.
3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
4. Can see in the Dark.
5. Have eyes in the back of their heads.
6. Still don't trust the Russians or Chinese.
7. Still hate the French.
8. Don't know how to be politically correct.
9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct.
10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under "Shit" in the UCMJ.
11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."
12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.
13. Do not fear women in the military.
14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.
15. Still know how to use a buffer.
16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911 A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.
17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
20. Idolize John Wayne.
21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".
22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
23. Really don't like taking shit from those who haven't "been there".
24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice.
26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
27. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
28. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say.
29. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
30. Have enough fatigues or BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.
31. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce).
32. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
33. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.
34. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
35. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it.
36. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
47. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.
2. Have a spine.
3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
4. Can see in the Dark.
5. Have eyes in the back of their heads.
6. Still don't trust the Russians or Chinese.
7. Still hate the French.
8. Don't know how to be politically correct.
9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct.
10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under "Shit" in the UCMJ.
11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."
12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.
13. Do not fear women in the military.
14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.
15. Still know how to use a buffer.
16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911 A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.
17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".
20. Idolize John Wayne.
21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".
22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
23. Really don't like taking shit from those who haven't "been there".
24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice.
26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
27. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
28. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say.
29. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
30. Have enough fatigues or BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.
31. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce).
32. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
33. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.
34. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
35. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it.
36. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
47. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military.
The four scariest phrases ever heard in the military:
The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."
The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."
The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."
Even more scary:
A Pfc with a badge.
A 2nd lieutenent with a map.
The E-1 who says, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
The O-1 who says, "Based on my experience..."
The E-5 who says, "Trust me, Sir..."
The E-9 who chuckles, "Watch THIS sh*t..."
Even more scary:
A Pfc with a badge.
A 2nd lieutenent with a map.
The V.A. Loan
Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA.
He soon received a reply from the VA.:
"We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.:
"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803.This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles -- almost as careful as the V.A.-- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God.
f) God created the world.
g) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original title holder of the property in question.
He soon received a reply from the VA.:
"We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.:
"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803.This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles -- almost as careful as the V.A.-- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God.
f) God created the world.
g) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original title holder of the property in question.
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