What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn’t believe in retaliation:
1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can!!
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time!!!
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back!!!!!!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Taliban jokes and riddles
Q: What do bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, ...................yet.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: How is bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q: What's the difference between Christmas and Osama bin Laden?
A: There will be a Christmas in December
Q: How many bin Laden terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one may ever know.
Q: What's orange and looks good on Taliban militiamen?
A: Napalm.
Q: What do you get when you cross a B-52 bomber and Osama bin Ladin?
A: an expensive fire work show
Q: How do you clear a Afghanistan bingo hall?
A: Yell B-52 as loud as you can
A: Nothing, ...................yet.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: How is bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q: What's the difference between Christmas and Osama bin Laden?
A: There will be a Christmas in December
Q: How many bin Laden terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one may ever know.
Q: What's orange and looks good on Taliban militiamen?
A: Napalm.
Q: What do you get when you cross a B-52 bomber and Osama bin Ladin?
A: an expensive fire work show
Q: How do you clear a Afghanistan bingo hall?
A: Yell B-52 as loud as you can
You got to be kidding me?
A lot of people ask where the saying "You gotta be kiddin' me" came from. Here's the story behind it....
Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.
An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.
One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.
Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.
Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington said, "Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without Peters."
She looked at him and said: "You gotta be kiddin' me."
Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.
An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.
One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.
Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.
Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington said, "Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without Peters."
She looked at him and said: "You gotta be kiddin' me."
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Military Compromise
The Installation Commander and his wife were out having dinner at the officers club when a good-looking blonde came over and open-mouth kissed the husband right in front of the wife and said "I'll see you tomorrow for a nooner right sweetie?" And walked away.
The wife couldn't believe her eyes, "Who was that?" She demanded.
He replied: "My mistress."
The wife then told her husband she wanted a divorce.
"That's fine," Said the base commander. "But that means no more shopping at the commissary and base exchange, no more assignments in Europe, and you'll no longer be president of the Officer's Wives Club, and won't be able to lord it over the other wives."
At that moment in walked a colonel with a woman on his arm. When the wife asked who the woman with the colonel was the base commander said, "That's Peter's mistress"
The wife looked back at the colonel and his mistress and grinned, "Ours is prettier."
The wife couldn't believe her eyes, "Who was that?" She demanded.
He replied: "My mistress."
The wife then told her husband she wanted a divorce.
"That's fine," Said the base commander. "But that means no more shopping at the commissary and base exchange, no more assignments in Europe, and you'll no longer be president of the Officer's Wives Club, and won't be able to lord it over the other wives."
At that moment in walked a colonel with a woman on his arm. When the wife asked who the woman with the colonel was the base commander said, "That's Peter's mistress"
The wife looked back at the colonel and his mistress and grinned, "Ours is prettier."
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Did'ja jump?
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds."
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir.
I´m too scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I´m sticking this little baby up your ass.´"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds."
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir.
I´m too scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I´m sticking this little baby up your ass.´"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
ASVAB scores
The NCO Club at a base had a new robotic bartender installed.
An NCO came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"
The NCO replied, "99."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.
The NCO listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score?"
The man responded, "70."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
A third NCO came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"
The NCO replied, "40."
The robot then said, "So, what's up in the world of First Sergeants, these days?"
An NCO came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"
The NCO replied, "99."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.
The NCO listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score?"
The man responded, "70."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
A third NCO came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What was your ASVAB Score when you joined the military?"
The NCO replied, "40."
The robot then said, "So, what's up in the world of First Sergeants, these days?"
Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
It's harder to pick up.
It's harder to pick up.
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