Wisdom from Aviation/Military manuals

Wisdom From Aviation/Military Manuals

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
And "Oh S...! "

"Friendly fire - isn't"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

The Fifteen Commandments of Operational Security

The Fifteen Commandments of Operational Security
I.
Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.
II.
Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.
III.
Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.
IV.
Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.
V.
Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.
VI.
Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.
VII.
Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.
VIII.
Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.
IX.
Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.
X.
Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.
XI.
Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.
XII.
Thou shalt hide the wires of thy commo, for they pointeth to thee.
XIII.
Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.
XIV.
Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.
XV.
Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.

A Soldier's Heart

Written In Honor of our Vietnam Veterans ..,

~ A Soldier's Heart ~
What was once warm and beating
with the flow of life's sweet blood inside,
has now become a place of carnage
where the horrors of war reside.

No one knows the isolation there
unless he's walked this road too.
No one knows the pain inside
like those forgotten soldiers do.

Expectations are almost worse today
than what they were when they came home.
There are still many a wounded soldiers
with wounded hearts who sadly roam.

Dazed, they stumble forward in life
through a terrain that none can see.
Their battle raging out of sight within
souls longing to be free.

This battle that rages on is
within their own mind and hearts,
where memories of death and carnage
torment their inward parts.

Intrusive thoughts encased within
explode like wars land mines did.
The "shooting war" that still goes on
within those broken hearts are hid.

Soldiers left to languish in death
with worn and broken shields,
forsaken warriors fighting on
within minds of private killing fields.

The pain, the anguish, the anger
sadly lingers on today,
in the hearts and minds of warriors
that are filled with wars decay.

They work it out as best they can,
for many they work it out alone.
Sometimes with hearts soft and tender,
sometimes with hearts of stone.

Until that day of their release
when their freedoms finally won,
where their last battle is finally fought,
when their life on earth is done.

The walking dead who few can see,
who fewer would care to understand,
still live today and await their death ...
their last hope for freedoms promised land!
*************
I pray for their lives,
for their broken hearts,
for their wounded souls,
for those hurting parts.
***
I pray for love,
I pray for hope,
I pray for strength,
that they may cope.
***
I pray for their souls,
I pray for their peace,
I pray for their minds,
their sweet release.
***************
I understand more today,
that which I didn't understand before,
I dared to look within the heart
beyond that secret door.

Into a hell that some must live,
where in living there is no reprieve,
until death would come and welcome them,
for a "job well done" and "in honor" be received

Wanda LaCasse

Meal Standards

Meal standards

MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.

ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.

NAVY: 3 hot meals.

AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

And then the fight started.....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started....

My young bride came home from the gynocologist smiling and said, "My gynocologist told me for a 54 year old woman, I have a tight box."
I asked her, 'Did he say anything about your big ass?"
She replied, 'No, he didn't meantion your name at all.'
Then the fight started.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ________________________________

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)

All: U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands

Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]

2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]

4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.' [Both English and Arabic versions]

5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]

6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions]

7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]

8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards'

Leave and Liberty standards

Leave and liberty standards

MARINES: None.

ARMY: 4 hours a week.

NAVY: 2 days a week.

AIR FORCE: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

Idle meanderings of the senile on wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad wife, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question....which I have not been able to answer....is, "What does a woman want?"

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, and I go Fridays.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.

I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming;
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A man inserted and ad in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine."

First Guy (proudly); "My wife's and angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Rules of the air

Rules of the Air

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

The proper use of the F_____ Word

The proper use of the F____ word

We all know that it isn't polite to use the F-word. However, there have been ten times in history where the "F" word has been acceptable for use:

10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 31 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1999

And Number 1 . . . drum roll please . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." -Saddam Hussein, 2003

You know you have been in Iraq too long when.....

Know You have been in Iraq too long when. ...

When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think "still way off, I got another 5 minutes"

When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus

Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

Every guy that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBR (contractor run) dining facility to have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because you think it tastes better

You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still haven't seen the country yet

You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress

The contractors have more fire power than the military combat units. (This is true)

You take the time to add your lines to this list

You've spent $200 dollars at Haji mart on DVDs buying Basic Instinct, 9 and ½ weeks, and Body of Evidence just for the sex scenes

You drink the water from the tap because you want to drop 20 pounds in two weeks

Driving around in SUVs with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you

You can put your body armor and helmet on in the dark in under 5 seconds

When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3 times

When you can actually talk to people in the United States on a cell phone, yet you can't get people on their cell phone a block away

When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in the compound versus how to conduct the fight in Najaf

Your idea of a fun Thursday night is to go to the Palace pool to watch the State Department folks get drunk, naked and try to pick each other up

When you actually get excited to get a package that contains 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap and a Victoria Secret Catalog

When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailer every time the MEDEVAC choppers fly over

You memorized every episode from the 4th Season of Sex in the City

You enjoy the audience commentary while watching a movie bought at Haji mart

You see celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think, "wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back

Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone

Your idea of sex is 20 minutes of Instant Messaging with your wife on the computer, OK, 10 minutes, who are you kidding?

You wake up and think Baghdad, I am still in friggin Baghdad

You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you feel better about your time you have left in country

You're in the Army and you start saying Ooorah

You're in the Marines and you start saying Hooah

You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one might normally find the Navy.

You're in the Air Force, and you're on the plane home because an Air Force tour is too short to have been a long Iraq tour. Ignore this list, zoomie, you won't get it.

You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there

You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get home so it will look more natural

You forget there are other colors than brown that can be found in places other than power point slides

The temp drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching for your Gortex jacket

You have noticed a change of season, from long, hot and dry to short, cold and wet.

When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"

You call home and your wife says hello Bill (your name is Sam)

When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride to "The Olive Garden."

When you can comfortably shave and brush your teeth using bottled water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.

While on R&R, you look out the window and find Nature, which leads you to wonder who stole your sandbags.

When some of the contractors wear their DCUs (Desert pattern camouflage uniform) more properly than some of your soldiers.

When 12 hours is a short work day

You go Battle Captains!

When, During the BUA, "DIV asked MNSTC-I for the FRAGO that MNC-I was supposed to publish, but couldn't because MNF-I hadn't weighed in, since they were too inundated with MOD and MOI war-gaming the JCCs within the ISF to square us away!" is a valid comment and generates no questions.

When you start using words like G'day mate, Cheers, and Bloody hell as part of your normal vocabulary

When you have your opinions printed in the STARS and STRIPES more than 3 times

When the palace catches fire and instead of helping to put it out you grab a bag of marshmallows and start roasting

When you step into any office and there are 6 colonels, 12 lieutenant colonels, 15 majors, and 8 captains supervising the work of 1 sergeant

When you end every phone conversation with "Out"

When you're ordered to get an air mission together on short notice because it's a "Hot priority" only to have the Major call back once he is in the air to ask "Does anyone know where I am going?"

When the weapon buyback program has become so successful that you have issued the same AK-47 to the Iraqi army 3 times

When you can actually tell the difference between the sound of an exploding car and an exploding mortar

When on R & R you tell your wife that your weapon status is Red and you’re looking for the clearing barrel

When on R&R you go to Church and wonder why no one is wearing body armor or carrying an automatic weapon to the service

You see an indirect fire attack take out a generator and get angry at the enemy for not hitting the one that powers your computer

You see an indirect fire attack take out an air conditioner and your vigor to fight is renewed

You yell at the FNG for shouting incoming when the rounds don't impact close enough to hit your tent with dirt

You know that you need to run inside immediately after any win of an Iraqi sports team to keep from being hit by celebratory fire

You decide that for shits and grins - lets take a run around Lost Lake at Camp Victory to see if we can get shot at by the sniper

You never worry about oversleeping because if the morning call to prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most mornings)

The highlight of your shopping experience at the PX is to see that they got in a new shipment of Schick Tracer razor blades

When you send out your laundry and your whites become grayer, your blacks become grayer and your DCU's become grayer - makes it easier to sort loads...

You get offended by people wearing clean, pressed DCU's

You decide that it is a better course of action to pull your blankets over your head than put on your body armor during a mortar attack - the woobee will save you and at least you are comfortable

You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for more days before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves

You wonder if the fish served at dinner really was carp caught out of the Tigris or Camp Victory's lake

You find it completely acceptable to pick your nose while talking to a complete stranger or member of the opposite sex

A rocket or a mortar really isn't a big deal until the crater it leaves is big enough to trip over in the dark on the way to the latrine

You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation

Old Marine

Old Marine

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

A Marine in College

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU .

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm
still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out
of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him
off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students
were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor
eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are
protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent
me.'