Rucksack Reports, Rumblings, Rubbish and Humour for American Veterans and Soldiers.

Mmilitary bumper stickers

2010-03-08T06:06:00.000-08:00

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism,
WAR has Never Solved Anything."

" Army Rangers - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."

"Water-boarding is out, so kill them all!"

"Interrogators can't water-board dead guys"

" Rangers - Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"Army Rangers - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone - Rangers Smile Back"

"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"

"Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support"

"Do Draft-Dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?"

"My Kid Fought In Iraq, So Your Kid Can Party In College"

"Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran"

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem." ...Ronald Reagan

Thirty nine uses for the P-38

2009-12-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

39 Uses for the P38

This list of P-38 uses was compiled by Steve Wilson, MSG Proponent NCO, Dept. of the Army Office of the Chief of Chaplains, The Pentagon. It is posted at the Ft. Bliss Air Defense Artillery Museum among other places:

1. Can Opener
2. Seam Ripper
3. Screwdriver
4. Clean Fingernails
5. Cut Fishing Line
6. Open Paint Cans
7. Window Scraper
8. Scrape Around Floor Corners
9. Digging
10. Clean Out Groove on Tupperware lids
11. Reach in and Clean Out Small Cracks
12. Scrape Around Edge of Boots
13. Bottle Opener
14. Gut Fish (in the field)
15. Scale Fish (in the field)
16. Test for 'Doneness' When Baking on a Camp Fire
17. Prying Items
18. Strip Wire
19. Scrape Pans in the Field
20. Lift Key on Flip Top Cans
21. Chisel
22. Barter
23. Marking Tool
24. Deflating Tires
25. Clean Sole of Boot/Shoe
26. Pick Teeth
27. Measurement
28. Striking Flint
29. Stirring Coffee
30. Puncturing Plastic Coating
31. Knocking on Doors
32. Morse Code
33. Box Cutter
34. Opening Letters
35. Write Emergency Messages
36. Scratch an Itch
37. Save as a Souvenir
38. Rip Off Rank for On-the-Spot Promotions
39. Bee sting removal tool (scrape off w/ blade)

I also add it can be used as a ruler. It is 1 1/2 inches long.

Do you have any P-38 stories to share?

P-38 Can Opener

2009-12-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

P-38 Can Opener

During the WWII, Korean and Vietnam Wars when GI's were ready to devour their delicious meals of K or C-Rations they used their trusty P-38s to open the cans. It wasn't the famous WWII fighter plane or a German pistol, it was an amazingly simple little piece of 1-1/2 inch stamped metal that was developed in just 30 days during the Summer of 1942 by the Subsistence Research Laboratory in Chicago.

It's official designation is 'US ARMY POCKET CAN OPENER' or 'OPENER, CAN, HAND, FOLDING, TYPE I', but it is more commonly known aas the P-38, which it supposedly acquired from the 38 Punctures required to open a C-Ration can.

It is also known by many as a "John Wayne" by those in the Navy and Marines because he was shown opening a can of C-Rations using a P-38 in a WWII training film. From then on Sailors and Marines referred to them as a "John Wayne".

Originally P-38s came wrapped in brown Kraft paper packets with a diagram and directions how to use printed on it. This is the information taken directly from the wrapper:

CAN OPENER DIRECTIONS
Open blade. Place opener as shown in diagram. Twist down to puncture slot in can top inside rim. Cut top by advancing opener with rocking mo-tion. Take small bites.

STERILIZE BEFORE RE-USE
Tie string through hole in opener to wash and ster-ilize with mess-gear if possible. When boiling water is unavailable, clean opener as thorough-ly as possible and hold cutting blade over a match flame a few sec-onds immediately before use.

About a dozen P-38s came packed in a case of C-Rations. Because everyone was hoarding them only 3 were included in a case. These handy gadgets have adorned the dog tag chains and key rings of WWII, Korean and Vietnam war vets ever since opening their first can of C-rats with one. I wear one on my dog tag chain. The word SHELBY is almost worn off. I also have one on my car key chain and mototcyle key chain.

GIs held C-Ration can opening races using P-38s which were usually won by who could open a C-rat can in less time than it takes to read this sentence.

How to make Chipped Beef on Toast. (also known as S.O.S.)

2009-12-10T09:31:00.000-08:00

Chipped Beef on Toast(a.k.a. Creamed Beef on Toast, S.O.S., Shit on a Shingle)

Remember SOS? Of course you do! We've all eaten this culinary delight, and some even developed a taste for it. Depending upon who prepared it, SOS could be pretty good, especially if you were starving.

Here is an official U.S. Army recipe for Chipped Beef on Toast or S.O.S. (my dad and step dad both were mess sergeants at one time during their military careers):

CREAMED BEEF ON TOAST (S.O.S.)

1/2 lb. ground beef
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
4 tbsp. sifted flour
1 cup evaporated milk
1 cup water
2 tbsp. butter

Brown ground beef in its own fat. Remove excess fat and save to make the gravy.
Season with salt and pepper.
To make the gravy, place 2 tbsp. reserved fat in a heavy pan.
Slowly add sifted flour, stirring constantly over low heat until thoroughly blended.
Cook for five minutes. Do not brown.
Combine milk and water.
Add butter and scald (not burn) in heavy pan.
Add gravy to scalded milk, stirring constantly until thoroughly blended.
Add meat mixture and cook about 10 minutes, or until desired consistency.
Serve on toast.

Of course, the real recipe used to feed E Company, 502nd, 101st Airborne at the Mess Hall had the measures written in buckets, shovels, fists and other measures that we're probably better off not knowing.

Airborne!!!

All the way!!!!

C-Ration Ammo Can Cooking

2009-12-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

Take one empty ammo can, a loose round could change the taste of your field meal.

Empty the Beef Steak from a B-1 Unit, Beef Steak, Potatoes and Gravy from a B-2 Unit and Spiced Beef from a B-3 Unit into the empty ammo can.

Add just a bit of water.

Stir over heat until thoroughly heated.

Add a splash of tobasco sauce to taste.

Feeds four civilians or two hungry grunts.

C-Ration "Instant Joy"

2009-12-10T09:20:00.000-08:00

Mix together "Peanut Butter + Crackers + Coffee + Sugar + Creamer + Coco Base Powder (Crush it all up and mix in a little water) = Instant Joy."

Or,

Take the fruit cake, pour some peach juice into the can and heat.

Anyone else have recipe's they'd like to share?

C-Ration accessory pack contents

2009-12-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

C-Ration Accessory Pack Contents

Spoon, Plastic

Salt

Pepper

Coffee, Instant

Sugar

Creamer, Non-dairy

Gum, 2 Chicklets

Cigarettes, (4 smokes in a pack) Winston, Marlboro, Salem, Pall Mall, Camel, Chesterfield, Kent, Lucky Strike, Kool

Matches, Moisture Resistant

Toilet Paper

Stimulator, Dental (which was bascially a small piece of wood you chewed on to soften and spread out and use as a poor substitute for a tooth brush.)

C-Rations

2009-12-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

C-RATIONS

The C-Ration, or Type C ration, was an individual canned, pre-cooked ration issued to U.S. military land forces when fresh food (A-ration) or packaged unprepared food (B-ration) prepared in mess halls or field kitchens was impractical or not available and when a survival ration (K-ration or D-ration) was insufficient. Development began in 1938, with the first rations being field tested in 1940 and wide scale adoption following soon after. Following World War II, cost concerns later caused the C-ration to be standardized for field issue regardless of environmental suitability or weight limitations.

The C ration was replaced in 1958 with the Meal, Combat, Individual (MCI). Although officially a new ration the MCI was derived from and very similar to the original C ration, and in fact continued to be called "C rations" by American troops throughout its service life (1958-1980), although this nomenclature is, in a strictly technical sense, incorrect.

"Iron Ration" (1907-1922)

The first attempt to make an individual ration for issue to soldiers in the field was the "iron ration", first introduced in 1907. It consisted of three 3-ounce cakes (made from a concoction of beef boullion powder and parched and cooked wheat), three 1-ounce bars of sweetened chocolate, and packets of salt and pepper. The ration was issued in a sealed tin packet that weighed one pound, and was designed for emergency use when the troops were unable to be supplied with food. It was later discontinued by the adoption of the "Reserve Ration", but findings from the development and use of the Iron Ration went into the development of the emergency D-ration.

"Reserve Ration" (1917-1937)

The Reserve Ration was a ration issued during the latter part of World War I to feed troops who were away from a garrison or field kitchen. It originally consisted of 12 ounces of bacon or one pound of meat (usually canned corned beef), two 8-ounce cans of hard bread or hardtack biscuits, a packet of 1.16 ounces of pre-ground coffee, a packet of 2.4 ounces of granulated sugar, and a packet of 0.16 ounces of salt. There was also a separate "tobacco ration" of 0.4 ounces of tobacco and 10 cigarette rolling papers, later replaced by brand-name machine-rolled cigarettes.
After the war, there were attempts to improve the ration based on input from the field. In 1922, the ration was reorganized to consist of 1 pound of meat (usually beef jerky), 3 ounces of canned corned beef or chocolate, 14 ounces of hard bread or hardtack biscuits, coffee and sugar. In 1925, the meat ration was replaced with canned pork and beans. In 1936, there was an attempt at variety by having an "A"-menu of corned beef and a "B"-menu of pork and beans. This was cancelled upon introduction of the new Field Ration, Type C, in 1938.

Commercially prepared meals were used in the field and at times when hot meals were not available. These meals came in a case containing 12 meals. Each meal was in it's own cardboard box, which contained the individual items sealed in cans. A can opener (called both a "John Wayne" or a "P-38") was needed to open the cans. The accessory pack with each meal was sealed in a foil pouch.

This is the official Quartermaster's description of C-Rations used in Vietnam;

"The Meal, Combat, Individual, is designed for issue as the tactical situation dictates, either in individual units as a meal or in multiples of three as a complete ration. Its characteristics emphasize utility, flexibility of use, and more variety of food components than were included in the Ration, Combat, Individual (C Ration) which it replaces. Twelve different menus are included in the specification.

Each menu contains: one canned meat item; one canned fruit, bread or dessert item; one B unit; an accessory packet containing cigarettes, matches, chewing gum, toilet paper, coffee, cream, sugar, and salt; and a spoon. Four can openers are provided in each case of 12 meals. Although the meat item can be eaten cold, it is more palatable when heated.

Each complete meal contains approximately 1200 calories. The daily ration of 3 meals provides approximately 3600 calories." (It'll make a turd the size of a number ten coffee can)

There were 4 choices of meat in each B group. Because there were several "vintages" of C’s issued to the Marines in Vietnam, more than 4 items may be listed in the B groups as well as the brands of cigarettes included in the accessory pack.

B-1 UnitsMeat Choices (in small cans): Beef Steak, Ham and Eggs, Chopped Ham Slices, Turkey Loaf. Fruit: one can of - Applesauce, Fruit Cocktail, Peaches or Pears. Crackers (7 ea.), Peanut Butter, Solid Chocolate, and Accessory Pack.

B-2 UnitsMeat Choices (in larger cans): Beans and Wieners (my favorite), Spaghetti and Meatballs, Beefsteak, Potatoes and Gravy, Ham and Lima Beans, Meatballs and Beans, Crackers (4 ea.), Processed Cheese Spread, Fruit Cake, Pecan Roll, Pound Cake (always a good trade item, as it was excellent pound cake) Accessory Pack.

B-3 UnitsMeat Choices (in small cans): Boned Chicken, Chicken and Noodles, Meat Loaf, Spiced Beef Bread, White Cookies (4 ea.), Cocoa Beverage Powder, Jam- Apple, Berry, Grape,
Mixed Fruit, Strawberry, Accessory Pack.

How to make a C-Ration cup

2009-12-10T08:16:00.000-08:00

How to make a C-Ration Coffee Cup

Obtain the empty B (large, dry) can from the C-ration meal.
Open the top and leave about a quarter inch of the lid attached.
Bend it outward.
Bend the ends down (like wings) to form a handle.

Deluxe (reusable) Version

Remove the top of the can completely.
Obtain 2 lengths of the bailing wire off of the C-Ration case.
Obtain a solid, sturdy stick about 4 inches long.
Notch out a groove around the stick near both ends.
Wrap each length of wire around both top & bottom ends of the can and twist the wire around itself leaving enough twisted wire to twist around the grooves in both ends of the stick 1 inch from the can creating a very nice handle.
Trim off excess wire.

How to make C-Rations Ham and Mothers...

2009-12-10T08:13:00.000-08:00

How to make C-Rations Ham & Mothers

Open and heat a can of Ham and Lima Beans, or lovingly called, ham and mother fuckers.

When hot, add one can of cheese spread and stir until all cheese is melted.

Crumble 4 crackers into the mixture and blend thouroughly.

Eat when the crackers have absorbed all excess moisture.

How to heat a C-ration meal

2009-12-10T08:02:00.000-08:00

How to Heat a C-Ration Meal

Choose the meal to be heated. This is done by being the first to the case and get what you like, give the ones that no one else wants to the FNG.

Open the can lid leaving at least 1/4 inch metal attached.

Bend the still attached lid to the outside.

Bend the edges of the can to form a handle.

Set meal on stove that you have made from an empty C-ration can. Place a trioxin heat tab, or a small piece of C-4 under the stove and heat to desired temperature, stirring fequently to prevent burning.

Friendly reminder - if you are able to cook your selection before the C-4 burns out, do not stomp the burning C-4 to put it out.

How to make a C-ration stove

2009-12-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

How to make a C-Ration Stove

After eating a C-ration meal, the empty can was for making a stove. Using a P-38 or"John Wayne," pierce a series of closely spaced holes around the top and bottom rims of the can. This type of stove did not allow enough oxygen to enter which caused incomplete burning of the Trioxin heat tablet, causing fumes which irritated the eyes and respiratory tract.

A better stove was created by simply using the can opener end of a "church key" (a flat metal device designed to open soft drink and beer containers with a bottle opener on one end and can opener on the other commonly used before the invention of the pull tab and screw-off bottle top and all of us as teenagers kept in our cars) to puncture triangular holes around the top and bottom rims of the can which resulted in a hotter fire and much less fumes. With this type of stove only half a Trioxin heat tab was needed to heat the meal.

A small chunk of C-4 explosive could also be substituted for the Trioxin tablet for faster heating. It would burn hotter and was much better for heating water. . A stove was usually carried in the back pack or cargo pocket and used repeatedly until the metal began to fail.

A friendly reminder - if the canned meal is cooked before the C-4 burns up, do not stomp the burning C-4 to put it out!

A thank you to all Vietnam Vets from a Marine in Iraq....

2009-12-09T14:56:00.000-08:00

Date: Thursday, November 19, 2009, 8:01 PM

A Thank You to all Vietnam Vets from a Marine in Iraq ....

A guy gets time to think over here and I was thinking about all the support we get from home. Sometimes it's overwhelming. We get care packages at times faster than we can use them. There are boxes and boxes of toiletries and snacks lining the center of every tent; the generosity has been amazing. So, I was pondering the question: "Why do we have so much support?"

In my opinion, it all came down to one thing: Vietnam Veterans. I think we learned a lesson, as a nation, that no matter what, you have to support the troops who are on the line, who are risking everything. We treated them so poorly back then. When they returned was even worse. The stories are nightmarish of what our returning warriors were subjected to. It is a national scar, a blemish on our country, an embarrassment to all of us.

After Vietnam , it had time to sink in. The guilt in our collective consciousness grew. It shamed us. However, we learned from our mistake.

Somewhere during the late 1970's and on into the 80's, we realized that we can't treat our warriors that way. So ... starting during the Gulf War, when the first real opportunity arose to stand up and support the troops, we did. We did it to support our friends and family going off to war. But we also did it to right the wrongs from the Vietnam era. We treat our troops of today like the heroes they were, and are, acknowledge and celebrate their sacrifice, and rejoice at their homecoming ... instead of spitting on them.

And that support continues today for those of us in Iraq . Our country knows that it must support us and it does. The lesson was learned in Vietnam and we are all better because of it.

Everyone who has gone before is a hero. They are celebrated in my heart. I think admirably of all those who have gone before me. From those who fought to establish this country in the late 1770's to those I serve with here in Iraq . They have all sacrificed to ensure our freedom.

But when I get back home, I'm going to make it a personal mission to specifically thank every Vietnam Vet I encounter for THEIR sacrifice. Because if nothing else good came from that terrible war, one thing did. It was the lesson learned on how we treat our warriors. We as a country learned from our mistake and now we treat our warriors as heroes, as we should have all along.

I am the beneficiary of their sacrifice. Not only for the freedom they, like veterans from other wars, ensured, but for how well our country now treats my fellow Marines and I. We are the beneficiaries of their sacrifice.

Semper Fidelis,

Major Brian P. Bresnahan
United States Marine Corps

Sales pitch

2009-12-09T14:51:00.000-08:00

Sales Pitch...

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated:
"If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."

"Now... Which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

Times are tough

2009-12-09T14:49:00.000-08:00

Times are tough

Everybody knows how gung-ho Marines are, and how they're always looking for things to volunteer for, right?

Well, a Marine sees a flyer that is advertising a project to cross a human male with a female gorilla. The flyer asks him to participate in the project for $500.

The guy figures, okay, and he goes to the research facility where the experiment is going on. He walks in, and the project director shows him the gorilla.

The Marine thinks for a minute, then says, "Okay, I've got three conditions: first, no kissing. I'm not gonna kiss that hairy beast; Second, I'm not gonna spend the night. I'm gonna do my thing and leave."

The director says that he has no problem with these two conditions. "So what's your final one?" he asks.

"Well, times are tough, and I don't have the $500. Do you think we could work out a payment plan?"

Telling Marine jokes

2009-12-09T14:47:00.000-08:00

Telling Marine Jokes

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,

''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''

The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''

The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''

Pointing the Irish Marine finger

2009-12-09T14:45:00.000-08:00

Pointing the Irish Marine finger

Two Marines graduated Basic Training and were informed that they were being sent to school to become Marine Corps Helicopter Mechanics.

After graduation from helicopter mechanic school, they were sent to their first duty station, and were assigned to work on the flight line.

Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here... Damn! There goes another one!"

Marine entrance exam

2009-12-09T14:41:00.000-08:00

Subject: MARINE ENTRANCE EXAM

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to ___ (a) build a bridge ___ (b) sail the ocean ___ (c) lead an army or ___ (D) WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one) ___ (a) Jewish ___ (b) CATHOLIC ___ (c) Hindu ___ (d) Polish ___ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called? ___ (a) Westerners ___ (b) Southerners ___ (c) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton. Bush: ________________ Carter: ______________ Clinton: _____________

10. Six Kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from? ___ (a) Macy's ___ (b) a 7-11 ___ (c) Canada ___ (d) THE SKY

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? ___ (a) yes ___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? ___ (a) New York ___ (b) FLORIDA ___ (c) Canada ___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? ___ (a) B.C. ___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify

* If you are stuck on any questions, you may ask the monitor for help.

Marine introduction

2009-12-09T14:32:00.000-08:00

Marine introduction

Three 'gentlemen' are seated together on a cross-country plane trip.
After about an hour the first gentleman, by way of breaking the ice, puts down his New York Times and announces -

"My name is Johnathon Smith."
"Lt. General."
"U.S. Army."
"Retired."
"Served in Korea and Vietnam."
"Married."
"Two sons."
"Both Doctors."
He picks up his paper and continues to read.

About half an hour later, the second gentleman puts down his Washington Post and says, "Dillard Jones.
"Major General."
"U.S. Air Force."
"Retired."
"Served in Vietnam and Gulf War I."
"Married."
"Two sons."
"Both Lawyers."
He then picks up his paper and continues to read.

Later on, the third man puts down his Dailey Racing Form and grunts, "Gus Miller."
"Gunnery Sergeant."
"U.S. Marines Corps"
"Discharged"
"Served in Korea and Vietnam and Gulf War I and Gulf War II."
"NEVER married."
"Two sons, -------- Both Generals!"

Marines are not stupid!

2009-12-09T14:30:00.000-08:00

Marines are not stupid!

After a fire started in a downtown hotel four of the guests found the exit downstairs blocked by fire. The guests consisted of an Army Captain, a Navy Captain, an Air Force Col. and a Marine Major.
Surrounded by the fire, the four went up to the roof.

The fire truck soon arrived and the firemen held out a net and yelled up "Ok Groundpounder, jump!"
The Army Captain responded "I am an Officer and Gentlemen in the United States Army and you will address me as such."
The firemen yelled back, "Ok, Captain, sir, jump!"
The Captain jumped the firemen moved the net and the Captain splattered on the ground.

The firemen yelled up "Ok, Swabbie, jump!"
The Navy Captain yelled back "I graduated from the Naval Academy and you will show respect."
The firemen yelled up "Ok, sir, jump!" again the firemen moved the net and another splat.

The firemen yelled up "Ok, Flyboy, jump!" The Air Force Col.yelled back "I am a top ace in the Air Force and I deserve respect."
The firemen said "Ok, pilot sir, jump!" They again moved the net and another splat.

The firemen yelled up "Ok, Jarhead, jump!"
The Marine Major yelled down "I'm not stupid like those other guys, you're not moving the net on me. Before I jump put that net on the ground and step back three paces."

How the Marine Corps became a branch of the Navy

2009-12-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

How the Marine Corps become a branch of the Navy.

The story of how the Marines became a branch under the Department of the Navy:

It seems that after WW I, the war to end all wars, the US Govt. had a lot of surplus material that they had no use for. What to do with it was a problem, and it was finally decided to hold an auction and sell everything off.
The day of the auction came, and progressed smoothly throughout the day. At the end of the day, everything had been sold off except the Marines and an old jackass.
Not wanting anything left over, the govt. decided to flip a coin between the Army and Navy, the winner getting their choice of the two left over items.
The Army won the toss, and the rest is history.

Pray for me

2009-12-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

Pray for Me

Mahmud Ahmadinejad and Ali Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani (current and former conservative presidents) are in an airplane over Tehran.
Ahmadinejad says, "I am going to throw down $100, and let 10 Iranian citizens get them and pray for me."
Rafsanjani, who is richer by far, replies, "I am going to throw out $1,000, and let 100 citizens pray for me."
Provoked by the bravado of both men, the pilot mumbles, "I am going to throw both of you out, and let 70 million Iranians pray for me."

Kilroy Was Here

2009-12-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

Kilroy was here is an American popular culture expression, often seen in graffiti. Its origins are open to speculation, but recognition of it and the distinctive doodle of "Kilroy" peeking over a wall is known almost everywhere among U.S. residents who lived during World War II and through the Korean War.
Similar doodles also appear in other cultures. In an Australian variant, the character peeping over the wall is not named Kilroy but Foo, as in "Foo was here". In the United Kingdom, such graffiti is known as a "chad". In Chile, the graphic is known as a "sapo" (slang for nosy); this might refer to the character's peeping, an activity associated with frogs because of their protruding eyes. In Mexico it is known as "El Fisgon". A very similar figure is "Tosun" in Turkey. Tosun is both a less used male name and also refers to a bullock. It is used as "Bunu yazan Tosun" ("Tosun wrote this"). In Poland Kilroy is replaced with "Józef Tkaczuk", an elementary school janitor (as an urban legend says). Graffiti writings have the form of sentences like "Gdzie jest Józef Tkaczuk?" ("Where is Joseph Tkatchuk?") and "Tu byłem - Józef Tkaczuk" ("I was here - Joseph Thatchuk"). It has appeared in movies as well—at the end of the World War II war comedy Kell's Heroes, Kelly and his men leave the doodle in a bank they've just robbed, along with the words, "UP YOURS, BABY". It appears in the 1970 film Patton on the side of a tank.

Origins

The phrase appears to have originated through United States servicemen, who would draw the doodle and the text "Kilroy Was Here" on the walls or elsewhere they were stationed, encamped, or visited.
One theory identifies James J. Kilroy (1902–1962), an American shipyard inspector, as the man behind the signature. During World War II he worked at the Fore River Shipyard in Quincy, Mass., where he claimed to have used the phrase to mark rivets he had checked. The builders, whose rivets J. J. Kilroy was counting, were paid depending on the number of rivets they put in. A riveter would make a chalk mark at the end of his or her shift to show where they had left off and the next riveter had started. Unscrupulous riveters discovered that, if they started work before the inspector arrived, they could receive extra pay by erasing the previous worker's chalk mark and chalking a mark farther back on the same seam, giving themselves credit for some of the previous riveter's work. J.J. Kilroy stopped this practice by writing "Kilroy was here" at the site of each chalk mark. At the time, ships were being sent out before they had been painted, so when sealed areas were opened for maintenance, soldiers found an unexplained name scrawled. Thousands of servicemen may have potentially seen his slogan on the outgoing ships and Kilroy's omnipresence and inscrutability sparked the legend. Afterwards, servicemen could have begun placing the slogan on different places and especially in new captured areas or landings. At some later point, the graffito (Chad) and slogan (Kilroy was here) must have merged.
The New York Times indicated this as the origin in 1946, based on the results of a contest conducted by the American Transit Association to establish the origin of the phenomenon. The article noted that Kilroy had marked the ships themselves as they were being built—so, at a later date, the phrase would be found chalked in places that no graffiti-artist could have reached (inside sealed hull spaces, for example), which then fed the mythical significance of the phrase—after all, if Kilroy could leave his mark there, who knew where else he could go?
Another possibility is that Kilroy was actually Richard Kilroy O'Malley, from Butte, Montana, author of "Mile High, Mile Deep" and an Associated Press correspondent during World War II who was subsequently posted in Berlin, Korea, Cyprus, Paris, North Africa and the Belgian Congo.
Kilroy was the most popular of his type in World War II, as well as today. Herbie (Canadian), Chad (British- World War II), and Mr. Foo (Australian- World War I & II) never reached the popularity Kilroy did. The ‘major’ Kilroy graffito fad ended in the 1950s, but today people all over the world still scribble ‘Kilroy was here’ in schools, trains, and other similar public areas.

Legends

There are many urban legends attached to the Kilroy graffiti. One states that Adolf Hitler believed that Kilroy was some kind of American super spy because the graffiti kept turning up in secure Nazi installations, presumably having been actually brought on captured Allied military equipment.
Another states that Stalin was the first to enter an outhouse especially built for the leaders at the Potsdam conference. Upon exiting, Stalin asked an aide: "Who is this Kilroy?" Another legend states that a German officer, having seen frequent "Kilroys" posted in different cities, told all of his men that if they happened to come across a "Kilroy" he wanted to question him personally.
The graffiti is supposedly located on various significant or difficult-to-reach places such as on the torch of the Statue of Liberty, on the Marco Polo Bridge in China, in huts in Polynesia, on a high girder on the George Washington Bridge in New York, at the peak of Mt. Everest, on the underside of the Arc de Triumphe, scribbled in the dust on the moon, in World War II pillboxed scattered around Germany, and around the sewers of Paris.
According to a History Channel's account, young men were hired in 1937 to help move the gold bars at fort Knox, KY. In one scene, when the narrator mentions that some of these workers left graffiti, the message "Kilroy was here" appears on a wall briefly but distinctly with the date 5/13/37.

Take the General's temperature...

2009-12-06T15:52:00.000-08:00

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.” After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

“Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed.

The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don`t move. I`ll be back in five minutes to check up on you.” and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What`s going on here?”

“Haven`t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.

“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

Navy shaved head....

2009-12-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

One ship in the squadron had a captain whose officers idolized him, and tried to emulate his every action.
When he bought a particular brand of cologne, all the other officers began wearing the same cologne.
When he started smoking a pipe, so did the officers.
One day, the captain returned from shore with his head shaved!
Sure enough, that evening, all the officers in his crew crowded into the base barber shop to have their head shaved, too.
The next morning, the captain appeared on the bridge, looked around at all the bald pates, and without a word, reached up and pulled off his skin-head wig.

You might be a soldier if....

2009-12-06T15:10:00.000-08:00

You might be a soldier if.....
1. …The day after payday you realize you’ve spent half of your earnings on “champagne” for a woman who speaks broken English and pretends to be interested in your war stories….
2. …Instead of a gold chain around your neck, you’ve got a stainless steel one threaded through a P38…
3. …Your street addresses have been Infantry Blvd, Howitzer Lane and Helmet Drive…
4. …Your wife responds to “hooah” and understands what it means regardless of the context you present it in…
5. …When in a strange place and needing a restroom, you ask where the latrine is…
6. …When you go camping, you first check for possible avenues of approach
7. …You ridicule other campers for setting up down wind and down slope of the latrine.
8. …You’re the only one that doesn’t complain about having to stand and eat at the same time at parties.
9. …When you’re stopped by police for speeding, you give the excuse that you’ve just returned from Germany where there are no speed limits.
10. …You’re always conscious of your per diem spending limit when in a nightclub on TDY.
11. …You’ve ever used your poncho-liner as a bed spread.
12. …You have a bottle of Tabasco sauce ready for every meal.
13. …You still have an urge to line up your shoes under your bed.
14. …Either you or your spouse have a least one pair of camouflage underwear.
15. …You’ve ever answered the phone at home like the CQ.
16. ..the only time you and the wife eat without the kids is at the unit “dining out”.
17. …you always back into parking spaces.
18. …you have to lookup your parents phone number, but can dial the CQ, SDNCO, company, battalion and brigade with no problem at all.
19. … each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked.
20. …your favorite author is Harold Coyle, Mike Malone, or Tom Clancy.
21. …when your kids are too noisy, you announce “at ease!”
22. …you don’t own any blue ink pens.
23. …you keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in case of emergencies.
24. …when talking to relatives by phone, you end the conversation with “out here.”
25. …you refer to your spouse as “Household 6″ or CINC House.”
26. …you’ve seen Patton enough times to memorize his speech.
27. …CNN is your favorite program.
28. …you call the Post Locator instead of Information to find your friends.
29. …you take the family camping with no tent or sleeping bags.
30. …your kids can speak three languages by age eight.
31. …the only suit you own is your Class A uniform.
32. …you carry your pager to the shower.
33. …your vehicle is registered on post and in two different states.
34. …you convince your wife that all ten of your guns are necessary for home protection.
35. …you have more money invested in TA-50 than in your car.
36. ….you tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain that its only nine o’clock.
37. ….the allotment column of your LES has more entries than the entitlement column.
38. …no one understands the stories you tell because of all the acronyms.
39. …you can explain the Gettysburg battlefield better than directions to your house.
40. ….your kids know the words to “she wore a yellow ribbon.”
41. ….your two-year old calls everyone in BDUs “daddy”.
42. …the phone book lists your rank instead of Mr.
43. …your spouse hasn’t unpacked the good china for twenty years.
44. …your monthly BAS goes to the mess hall.
45. …you ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the unrealistic military scenes.
46. …you live on post so you can hear reveille every morning.
47. ….your family calls you “Sir.”
48. ….all your jokes begin with “there was this soldier, a marine and an airman…”
49. And the biggest indicator … if you understood and related to the above list!!!!!

The tightest pants

2009-12-06T15:08:00.001-08:00

A Marine had been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he had ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get in those pants?”
The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”

Compassionate Leave

2009-12-06T15:03:00.000-08:00

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
“Sergeant-Major!” the colonel shouted. “Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.”
“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
“Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave,” the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. “Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves?”
“Yessir,” the Sgt. Major replies.
“Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major?” the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, “Sir. It’s you he’s fond of.”

Typical Navy Officer Problem

2009-12-06T14:54:00.000-08:00

After landing, new ensign wrote up this complaint about an A-7 that he had just finished flying, “Pilot relief tube too short.”
(The pilot relief tube is a device that allows a male pilot to relieve himself in flight if he’s had a little too much coffee before climbing into the cockpit.)
When Maintenance investigated the squawk, they found that the relief tube was tangled around the base of the stick. After correcting the problem, they gave the pilot’s chain (and probably his ego) a good yank by signing off the maintenance form like this:
“Pilot relief tube found to be of sufficient length for enlisted personnel.”

Short Military Jokes

2009-12-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

SHORT MILITARY JOKES

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind?"

A sailor in the Navy who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due back in port: "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do "it" as soon as I step ashore."

The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply: "I will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D. cards."

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.

It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks.

"WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered.

In a quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself, Drill Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here and take his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of character.

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, she said to him, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"
"1956," was his reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, "It's only 2014 now."

A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing. The Colonel says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure. The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate. The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion. He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead.

He answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB's would have me doing it!"

In the midst of a blazing battle, an officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly on the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?!" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!!"

Facts about the tomb of the Unkown Soldier

2009-11-30T11:06:00.000-08:00

Facts about the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns and why?

21 steps: It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute which is
the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?

21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1

3. Why are his gloves wet?

His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.

4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time
and, if not, why not?

He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.

5. How often are the guards changed?

Guards are changed every thirty minutes,
twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?

For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be
between 5' 10' and 6' 2' tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30.

They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform or the tomb in any way.

After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on
their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only
400 presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their
lives or give up the wreath pin.

The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.

There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform.. Guards dress for duty
in front of a full-length mirror.

The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone nor
watch TV All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid
to rest in Arlington National Cemetery . A guard must memorize who they are and where they are interred. Among the notables are:

President Taft,
Joe Lewis {the boxer}
Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, the most
decorated soldier of WWII of Hollywood fame.

Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for
guard duty

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington, DC, our
US Senate/House took 2 days off with anticipation of the storm. On the ABC evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the
hurricane, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of
the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment. They
respectfully declined the offer, 'No way, Sir!' Soaked to the skin,
marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding
the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be
afforded to a serviceperson. The tomb has been patrolled continuously,
24/7, since 1930.

Learn Chinese

2009-11-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

Learn Chinese
That's not right....................................Sum ting wong
Are you harboring a fugitive..............Hu yu hai ding
See me ASAP........................................Kum hia nao
Small horse............................................Tai ni po ni
Did you go to the beach........................Wai yu so tan
I think you need a facelift....................Chin tu fat
It's very dark in here...........................Wai so dim
I thought you were on a diet...............Wai yu mun ching
This is a tow away zone.......................No pah king
Our meeting is tomorrow....................Wai yu kum nao
Staying out of sight...............................Lei ying lo
He's cleaning his automobile...............Wa shing ka
Your body odor is offensive................Yu stin ki pu
Great......................................................Fa kin su pah

What's your ambition?

2009-07-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," said the Major.
He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," barked the Major.
He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

You might be a crew chief if.....

2009-07-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

You Might be a Crew Chief IF.....
You've ever said, "Oh, yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."

You've ever sucked LOX to cure a hangover.

You know what JP4/JP5 tastes like.

You've ever used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick.

You've ever had to say, "My boots are still black!" (Or ever spray - painted them black)

You have ever used soot from the tailpipe to blacken your boots.

You believe the aircraft has a soul.

You talk to the aircraft.

The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.

You know more about your coworkers than you do about your own family.

You can't figure out why maintenance officers exist.

You ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great aircraft!"

You think everyone who isn't a Crew Chief is a wimp.

You wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid rules.

You consider 'Moly - B' fingerprints on food an 'acquired taste'.

You've ever been told to "go get us some prop wash, a yard of flight line or the keys to the jet.

You have ever jumped inside an intake to get out of the rain.

Little yellow ear plugs are all over your house.

You have ever pre - flighted in really bad weather only to learn that the flight was canceled hours ago.

Your spouse refuses to watch any aviation shows or attend air shows with you.

You have ever looked for pictures of "your" jet in aviation books and magazines.

You can't figure out why two weeks of advance per - diem is gone after three days.

You can sleep anywhere, anytime. But as soon as the engines shut down you are wide awake.

You have ever used, a wheel chock, or a tow bar for a pillow.

You have ever stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry.

You have ever used a pair of Dykes to trim a fingernail.

You have ever pulled the gun switch while riding brakes.

You have ever started a jet inside the hanger!

You have ever wiped leaks right before the crew shows up.

All you care about is the flying schedule and your days off.

You have ever had to defuel your jet an hour after fueling it.

Everyone you know has some kind of nickname.

You have used the "Pull Chocks" hand signal to tell your buddies it is time to leave.

You have ever bled hydraulic fluid into a Gatorade bottle or soda can because you are too lazy to go get a hydraulic bucket and the Hazmat keys.

If you have ever been tackled, duct taped to a tow bar, covered in PET and sand, egged, sour milked, peanut buttered and jellied, and slapped under the emergency wash station in 30 deg weather.

You know in your heart that your jet is female.

You refer to ANY machine as "she."

You refer to QA as "the enemy."

You hate Ops, Maintenance Control, QA, and cops.

You know the international marshalling sign for "pull your head out of your ass."

You've ever worked weekend duty on a jet that isn't flying on Monday.

You've wanted the jet to start just so you can warm up.

You can't remember half of your coworkers’ real names... only their nicknames.

You fix 30 million dollar jets, but can't figure out what's wrong with your $150 lawnmower.

Your toolbox at home has wheels and foam cutouts, just like the ones at work.

Some of the tools in your toolbox at home are etched.

You measure the cost of living in other countries is by the price of a beer at a bar.

Three nots?

2009-07-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

A very drunk sailor went into a bar and negotiated a "trick" with a working girl.
After they agreed on a price she took him into a back bedroom so they can proceed to do their thing.
After a period of exhaustive attempts the sailor asked, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replied, "Oh, I'd say you're doing about 3 nots."
"Three knots only?" proclaimed the sailor.
The tart replied, "Yeah, three NOTS. You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

I wished he'd tried that with me.

2009-07-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

Two airmen were driving across country on leave.
They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit.
They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know.
"The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.
The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Marine says, "Just making your wishes come true.
"The passenger says, "Huh?"
The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

Officer map reading

2009-07-08T17:39:00.000-07:00

How does a U.S Army Officer finds his position on a map :

By shaking a tree to see what moves on the map...

Aircraft mechanic

2009-07-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

Three soldiers are captured by the Japanese - a US Marine, a soldier and an aircraft mechnic.
They are thrown into bamboo hutches in a prison camp to rot.
Some months later the prison camp commander decides to have some fun.
He gives each of the three prisoners two steel balls and says tells them that whichever of them comes up with a clever idea for the balls will be released.
The next morning he visits the prisoners.
The soldier has woven a cradle out of grass for the two balls and has made one of those executive toys. The two balls are merrily clicking back and forward. The commandant is impressed and sets him free.
Next door the US Marine is sitting cross legged in the hutch meditating and the two steel balls are levitating two feet off the ground. Again the commandant is impressed and releases the Marine.
Finally he moves to the aircraft mechanic's hooch. He is smoking a cigarette and scratching his ass with no sign of the steel balls. The commandant is furious and asks him what he has done with the balls.
The reply comes, "I dunno, I lost one and broke the other".

Sir? I think you're an idiot.

2009-07-08T17:28:00.000-07:00

Private "Sir? If I said you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "I would jail you for insubordination"
Private "Sir? If I thought you were an idiot, what would you do?"
Officer "Well, I couldn't do much about that at all"
Private "Sir? I think you're an idiot"

Last name....

2009-04-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name?"
"Paul," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors at boot camp today, But I don't call anyone by his first name," the Chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Benz, Couch, Baker. I am referred to only as Chief. do I make myself clear?"
"Aye Chief"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The new seaman sighed, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief."
"OK, Paul, here's what I want you to do....."

Nine rules of the US MIlitary Assistance Command, Vietnam

2009-04-14T06:14:00.000-07:00

Nine rules of the US Military Assistance Command, Vietnam

The Vietnamese have paid a heavy price in suffering for their long fight against the communists. We military men are in Vietnam now because their government has asked to help soldiers and people in winning their struggle. The Viet Cong will attempt to turn the Vietnamese people against you. You can defeat them at every turn by the strength, understanding, and generosity you display with the people. Here are nine simple rules:

Distribution - 1 to each member of the United States Armed Forces in Vietnam

1. Remember we are guests here; We make no demands and seek no special treatment.

2. Join with the people! Understand their life, a phrase from their language and honor their customs and laws.

3. Treat women with politeness and respect.

4. Make personal friends among the soldiers and common people.

5. Always give the Vietnamese the right of way.

6. Be alert to security and ready to react with your military skills.

7. Don't attract attention by loud, rude or unusual behavior.

8. Avoid separating yourself from the people by a display of wealth or privilege.

9. Above all else. you are members of the US Military Forces on a difficult mission, responsible for all your official and personal actions. Reflect honor upon yourself and the United States of America.

GPO 1960- 0-575012

Maybe there should be a tenth rule: When in doubt, select full auto, and let God sort 'em out.

When asked how a Vietnam Vet could shoot women and children...the reply most often is....you don't have to lead them as much.

Why I carry a gun

2009-04-03T11:03:00.001-07:00

Why I carry a Gun

My old grandpa once said to me, "Son, there comes a time in every man's life when he stops bustin' knuckles and starts bustin' caps and usually it's when he becomes too old to take an ass whoopin'.

I don't carry a gun to kill people. I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

I don't carry a gun to scare people. I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

I don't carry a gun because I'm paranoid. I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I'm evil. I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I hate the government. I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don't carry a gun because I'm angry. I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.

I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone. I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed, and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy. I carry a gun because, when I die and go to Heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man. I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love.

I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate. I carry a gun because, unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don't carry a gun because I love it. I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

"Police Protection" is an oxymoron.

Free citizens must protect themselves.

Police do not protect you from crime; they usually just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess.

Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take an ass whoopin' .

"I'd rather carry a Cop, but they're too heavy.

Remember the average response time to a 911 call is over 4 minutes.

The average response time of a 357 magnum is 1400 FPS. It'll go from zero to 954.55 mph in a flash.

2009-04-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

Military Alphabet
The Military Alphabet is a phonetic alphabet. A phonetic alphabet is a list of words used to identify letters in a message transmitted by radio or telephone. Spoken words from an approved list are substituted for letters. For example, the word "Navy" would be "November Alfa Victor Yankee" when spelled in the phonetic alphabet. This practice helps to prevent confusion between similar sounding letters, such as "m" and "n", and to clarify communications that may be garbled during transmission.
The words chosen to represent some letters have changed since the phonetic alphabet was introduced. When these changes occur, they are made by international agreement. The current phonetic alphabet was adopted in 1957.
Military Phonetic Alphabet
Letter 1913 1927 1938 World War II 1957-Present
A Able Affirmative Affirm Affirm (Able) Alfa
B Boy Baker Baker Baker Bravo
C Cast Cast Cast Charlie Charlie
D Dog Dog Dog Dog Delta
E Easy Easy Easy Easy Echo
F Fox Fox Fox Fox Foxtrot
G George George George George Golf
H Have Hypo Hypo How Hotel
I Item Interrogatory Int Int (Item) India
J Jig Jig Jig Jig Juliet
K King King King King Kilo
L Love Love Love Love Lima
M Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike
N Nan Negative Negat Negat(Nan) November
O Oboe Option Option Option(Oboe) Oscar
P Pup Prepatory Prep Prep(Peter) Papa
Q Quack Quack Queen Queen Quebec
R Rush Roger Roger Roger Romeo
S Sail Sail Sail Sugar Sierra
T Tare Tare Tare Tare Tango
U Unit Unit Unit Uncle Uniform
V Vice Vice Victor Victor Victor
W Watch William William William Whiskey
X X-ray X-ray X-ray X-ray X-ray

Good Night

2009-04-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

Good night

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut up!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"

Questions that haunt me

2009-03-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

An old farmer's advice...

2009-03-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.'

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you'r e a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

That you?

2009-03-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

That you?
A platoon is out on a 50 mile hump after about 3 hours of walking they all stop to take a 5 minute break and in doing so the boot Lt. noticed the Gunny beating his pecker against a tree. Lt. just goes about his business and they are all on their way. About 4 hours later they again stop and again the butter bars noticed the Gunny beating his pecker against the tree. Shaking his head in disbelief the Lt. and the platoon are on their way again when about 15 miles away from their barracks they stop for one last break and once again the Lt. sees the gunny beating his pecker on a tree. This time the Lt. goes up to the seasoned Marine and asks him why he would do that. The Gunny replies "It makes you last longer and your dick stays harder, the women love it". That night after their nature walk the Lt. pulls into his driveway and then walks up to the door and notices it is locked. Just before unlocking the door he remembered what the Gunny had said, so the Lt. whips out his man hood and starts banging on the door with it about that time he heard his wife "Oh, is that you Gunny?".

Firearms Refresher Course

2009-03-03T05:13:00.000-08:00

'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.'
~ Thomas Jefferson

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

Wisdom from Aviation/Military manuals

2009-02-25T15:52:00.000-08:00

Wisdom From Aviation/Military Manuals

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
And "Oh S...! "

"Friendly fire - isn't"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

The Fifteen Commandments of Operational Security

2009-02-24T17:49:00.000-08:00

The Fifteen Commandments of Operational Security
I.
Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.
II.
Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.
III.
Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.
IV.
Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.
V.
Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.
VI.
Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.
VII.
Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.
VIII.
Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.
IX.
Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.
X.
Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.
XI.
Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.
XII.
Thou shalt hide the wires of thy commo, for they pointeth to thee.
XIII.
Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.
XIV.
Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.
XV.
Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.

A Soldier's Heart

2009-02-20T06:16:00.000-08:00

Written In Honor of our Vietnam Veterans ..,

~ A Soldier's Heart ~
What was once warm and beating
with the flow of life's sweet blood inside,
has now become a place of carnage
where the horrors of war reside.

No one knows the isolation there
unless he's walked this road too.
No one knows the pain inside
like those forgotten soldiers do.

Expectations are almost worse today
than what they were when they came home.
There are still many a wounded soldiers
with wounded hearts who sadly roam.

Dazed, they stumble forward in life
through a terrain that none can see.
Their battle raging out of sight within
souls longing to be free.

This battle that rages on is
within their own mind and hearts,
where memories of death and carnage
torment their inward parts.

Intrusive thoughts encased within
explode like wars land mines did.
The "shooting war" that still goes on
within those broken hearts are hid.

Soldiers left to languish in death
with worn and broken shields,
forsaken warriors fighting on
within minds of private killing fields.

The pain, the anguish, the anger
sadly lingers on today,
in the hearts and minds of warriors
that are filled with wars decay.

They work it out as best they can,
for many they work it out alone.
Sometimes with hearts soft and tender,
sometimes with hearts of stone.

Until that day of their release
when their freedoms finally won,
where their last battle is finally fought,
when their life on earth is done.

The walking dead who few can see,
who fewer would care to understand,
still live today and await their death ...
their last hope for freedoms promised land!
*************
I pray for their lives,
for their broken hearts,
for their wounded souls,
for those hurting parts.
***
I pray for love,
I pray for hope,
I pray for strength,
that they may cope.
***
I pray for their souls,
I pray for their peace,
I pray for their minds,
their sweet release.
***************
I understand more today,
that which I didn't understand before,
I dared to look within the heart
beyond that secret door.

Into a hell that some must live,
where in living there is no reprieve,
until death would come and welcome them,
for a "job well done" and "in honor" be received

Wanda LaCasse

Meal Standards

2009-02-18T07:51:00.000-08:00

Meal standards

MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.

ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.

NAVY: 3 hot meals.

AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

And then the fight started.....

2009-02-13T05:13:00.000-08:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started....

My young bride came home from the gynocologist smiling and said, "My gynocologist told me for a 54 year old woman, I have a tight box."
I asked her, 'Did he say anything about your big ass?"
She replied, 'No, he didn't meantion your name at all.'
Then the fight started.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ________________________________

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)

2009-02-09T15:47:00.000-08:00

All: U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands

Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]

2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]

4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.' [Both English and Arabic versions]

5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]

6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions]

7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]

8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards'

Leave and Liberty standards

2009-02-07T08:42:00.000-08:00

Leave and liberty standards

MARINES: None.

ARMY: 4 hours a week.

NAVY: 2 days a week.

AIR FORCE: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

Idle meanderings of the senile on wives

2009-02-05T05:48:00.000-08:00

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad wife, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question....which I have not been able to answer....is, "What does a woman want?"

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, and I go Fridays.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.

I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming;
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A man inserted and ad in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine."

First Guy (proudly); "My wife's and angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Rules of the air

2009-02-04T05:57:00.000-08:00

Rules of the Air

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

The proper use of the F_____ Word

2009-02-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

The proper use of the F____ word

We all know that it isn't polite to use the F-word. However, there have been ten times in history where the "F" word has been acceptable for use:

10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 31 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1999

And Number 1 . . . drum roll please . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." -Saddam Hussein, 2003

You know you have been in Iraq too long when.....

2009-02-01T11:17:00.000-08:00

Know You have been in Iraq too long when. ...

When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think "still way off, I got another 5 minutes"

When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus

Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

Every guy that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBR (contractor run) dining facility to have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because you think it tastes better

You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still haven't seen the country yet

You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress

The contractors have more fire power than the military combat units. (This is true)

You take the time to add your lines to this list

You've spent $200 dollars at Haji mart on DVDs buying Basic Instinct, 9 and ½ weeks, and Body of Evidence just for the sex scenes

You drink the water from the tap because you want to drop 20 pounds in two weeks

Driving around in SUVs with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you

You can put your body armor and helmet on in the dark in under 5 seconds

When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3 times

When you can actually talk to people in the United States on a cell phone, yet you can't get people on their cell phone a block away

When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in the compound versus how to conduct the fight in Najaf

Your idea of a fun Thursday night is to go to the Palace pool to watch the State Department folks get drunk, naked and try to pick each other up

When you actually get excited to get a package that contains 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap and a Victoria Secret Catalog

When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailer every time the MEDEVAC choppers fly over

You memorized every episode from the 4th Season of Sex in the City

You enjoy the audience commentary while watching a movie bought at Haji mart

You see celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think, "wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back

Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone

Your idea of sex is 20 minutes of Instant Messaging with your wife on the computer, OK, 10 minutes, who are you kidding?

You wake up and think Baghdad, I am still in friggin Baghdad

You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you feel better about your time you have left in country

You're in the Army and you start saying Ooorah

You're in the Marines and you start saying Hooah

You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one might normally find the Navy.

You're in the Air Force, and you're on the plane home because an Air Force tour is too short to have been a long Iraq tour. Ignore this list, zoomie, you won't get it.

You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there

You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get home so it will look more natural

You forget there are other colors than brown that can be found in places other than power point slides

The temp drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching for your Gortex jacket

You have noticed a change of season, from long, hot and dry to short, cold and wet.

When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"

You call home and your wife says hello Bill (your name is Sam)

When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride to "The Olive Garden."

When you can comfortably shave and brush your teeth using bottled water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.

While on R&R, you look out the window and find Nature, which leads you to wonder who stole your sandbags.

When some of the contractors wear their DCUs (Desert pattern camouflage uniform) more properly than some of your soldiers.

When 12 hours is a short work day

You go Battle Captains!

When, During the BUA, "DIV asked MNSTC-I for the FRAGO that MNC-I was supposed to publish, but couldn't because MNF-I hadn't weighed in, since they were too inundated with MOD and MOI war-gaming the JCCs within the ISF to square us away!" is a valid comment and generates no questions.

When you start using words like G'day mate, Cheers, and Bloody hell as part of your normal vocabulary

When you have your opinions printed in the STARS and STRIPES more than 3 times

When the palace catches fire and instead of helping to put it out you grab a bag of marshmallows and start roasting

When you step into any office and there are 6 colonels, 12 lieutenant colonels, 15 majors, and 8 captains supervising the work of 1 sergeant

When you end every phone conversation with "Out"

When you're ordered to get an air mission together on short notice because it's a "Hot priority" only to have the Major call back once he is in the air to ask "Does anyone know where I am going?"

When the weapon buyback program has become so successful that you have issued the same AK-47 to the Iraqi army 3 times

When you can actually tell the difference between the sound of an exploding car and an exploding mortar

When on R & R you tell your wife that your weapon status is Red and you’re looking for the clearing barrel

When on R&R you go to Church and wonder why no one is wearing body armor or carrying an automatic weapon to the service

You see an indirect fire attack take out a generator and get angry at the enemy for not hitting the one that powers your computer

You see an indirect fire attack take out an air conditioner and your vigor to fight is renewed

You yell at the FNG for shouting incoming when the rounds don't impact close enough to hit your tent with dirt

You know that you need to run inside immediately after any win of an Iraqi sports team to keep from being hit by celebratory fire

You decide that for shits and grins - lets take a run around Lost Lake at Camp Victory to see if we can get shot at by the sniper

You never worry about oversleeping because if the morning call to prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most mornings)

The highlight of your shopping experience at the PX is to see that they got in a new shipment of Schick Tracer razor blades

When you send out your laundry and your whites become grayer, your blacks become grayer and your DCU's become grayer - makes it easier to sort loads...

You get offended by people wearing clean, pressed DCU's

You decide that it is a better course of action to pull your blankets over your head than put on your body armor during a mortar attack - the woobee will save you and at least you are comfortable

You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for more days before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves

You wonder if the fish served at dinner really was carp caught out of the Tigris or Camp Victory's lake

You find it completely acceptable to pick your nose while talking to a complete stranger or member of the opposite sex

A rocket or a mortar really isn't a big deal until the crater it leaves is big enough to trip over in the dark on the way to the latrine

You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation

Old Marine

2009-02-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

Old Marine

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old veteran approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave. where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same vet approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I've already told you that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

A Marine in College

2009-02-01T09:56:00.000-08:00

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU .

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm
still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out
of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him
off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students
were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor
eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are
protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent
me.'

Sergeants' Methods

2009-01-26T12:21:00.000-08:00

Sergeants' Methods

A group of Sergeants and a group of Air Force Officers take a train to a conference.

Each Officer holds a ticket.

But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger.

The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve.

Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”.

At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets.

The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers.

When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!”

One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick.

They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn’t buy any tickets at all.

After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: “The conductor is coming!”

Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in
.
All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet.

Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please!”

And the moral of the story?

Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don’t really understand them.

Marine Corps Bumper Stickers

2009-01-24T06:48:00.000-08:00

Marine Bumper Stickers

Save water, shower with a Marine.

Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.

USMC: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.

When in doubt, empty the magazine.

To err is human, to forgive is divine, however, neither is Marine Corps policy.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.

Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?

All men are created equal, then some become Marines.

It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.

U.S. Marines: Travel agents to Allah.

First Iraq, then France.

We're Marines, we took Iwo Jima, Baghdad ain't shit." (Gen. Kelly)

It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.

Our Sergeants think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.

Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything.

POW-MIA Ceremony

2009-01-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

POW-MIA CEREMONY

This is what I use for any of the Vietnam Vets M/C and Legacy Vets M/C functions I attend and they want me to perform the POW-MIA Ceremony.

The basic ceremony is provided below. There is a narrative section followed by an annotated script. Note that the script contains several suggestions for actions by the Honor Guard, which are in addition to those of the narrative. You should be selective and develop an approach, which works for the time and resources available to you. This if for all the branches, but you can leave out the service branch out if you just want to do one setting.

Set-up

This ceremony has many symbols. Below is a list of the materials needed to complete the ceremony. If you cannot find something to represent a symbol then omit that section of the ceremony. The music for the ceremony is AMAZING GRACE, preferably performed by a Drum & Bagpipe Corps. A tape of the music is satisfactory. It is started just before you begin to read the part, “LET US REMEMBER THEN UNITED STATES AIR FORCE …”

Materials needed:

POW-MIA Script
4 pair of white gloves
Wheel Caps*
Music – AMAZING GRACE Tape/CD player
White tablecloth
White candle
Small bread plate
Yellow ribbon
Black ribbon (tied to candle)
Framed, faded picture
Red rose in a vase
4 Wineglasses
Salt
4 Table settings
Slice of lemon
Lighter or Matches
*Caps for Air Force, Army, Navy, Marine Corps (and Coast Guard if that branch is to be honored)
(NOTE: You may wish to add the Coast Guard as one additional branch of service. If you do, then make the appropriate adjustments in the instructions and script.)

Honor Guard

You will need four members to participate as the Honor Guard (in addition to the narrator). They will bring out the wheel caps of the four military branches as they are recognized in the ceremony. All movements in this ceremony are slow and remorseful. There should be no jerky movements. The only sharp movement will be the facing movement at the end to leave the table after setting it. Hold the wheel cap in the right hand with fingers holding the rim. Your arm should be cradling the cap as you form an “L” from your shoulder to your elbow to your hand. It should rest on the forearm.

Once at the table, the Honor Guard members will slowly bring the left hand up and over the wheel cap to have the fingers at “5 o’clock”. Once there, the cap is pivoted on the tips of the fingers of the right hand so the wheel cap is now facing toward the Honor Guard member. There will be a slow bend at the waist to place the cap on the table. Once there, the member will slowly straighten up and slow salute the cap still keeping their eyes caged on the cap. After holding the salute for about four beats, slowly drop the salute and look straight ahead, eyes caged.
As the script is read, the Honor Guard will initiate some of the symbolic actions. Suggestions for these are included in the script below.

The narrator should try to memorize parts of the ceremony and practice making eye contact with the audience. This is very important as the narrator will set the tone for the mood of the ceremony. They should take a deep breath and pause before speaking each section.

Retiring the Table

You may wish to retire the POW-MIA table at the end of the night. This is usually done before or during the closing comments by the Master of Ceremonies. The Honor Guard will come in again at funeral march pace and stand behind their respective wheel caps. One person will blow out the candle and stand upright. All four will salute at the same time slowly and will hold the salute. The music of TAPS will then be played. When the music is over the four will slowly order arms. The Honor Guard commander will then call a “Post” and “Forward, March.” The Honor Guard will then slowly march out of the room.

A suggested script is provided below.
Materials needed:
Music recording of TAPS or someone to play TAPS on a bugle or trumpet
Tape/CD player

POW-MIA CEREMONY SUGGESTED SCRIPT
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE CENTER OF OUR GATHERING.
(Off-stage cassette player plays "Amazing Grace" performed by bag pipes)
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THE TABLE SET BEFORE YOU. IT IS FILLED WITH SYMBOLISM. I WILL EXPLAIN.
THIS TABLE IS SET FOR OUR PRISONERS OF WAR AND THOSE MISSING IN ACTION -- FROM ALL WARS.
THEY ARE NOT WITH US TODAY.
THEIR CHAIRS ARE EMPTY, BUT SAVED FOR THEIR HOPED RETURN.
LET US REMEMBER THEIR ABSENCE.
(As the individual service is announced, a Brother enters with the appropriate wheel hat, places it on the table, and remains until the end of the ceremony)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Air Force wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES ARMY, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Army wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES NAVY, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Navy wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS, HONORED BY BROTHER ___________.
(Brother enters with Marine Corps wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE UNITED STATES COAST GUARD, HONORED BY Brother ___________.
(Brother enters with Coast Guard wheel hat and places it on the table)
LET US REMEMBER THE MEN AND WOMEN PRISONERS OF WAR FROM ALL BRANCHES OF SERVICE THAT ARE TOO OFTEN FORGOTTEN.
LET US REMEMBER THEM.

THE TABLE CLOTH IS WHITE, SYMBOLIZING THE PURITY OF THEIR INTENTIONS TO RESPOND TO THEIR COUNTRY'S CALL TO ARMS -- SO THAT THEIR CHILDREN COULD REMAIN FREE. REMEMBER.

THE LONE CANDLE SYMBOLIZES THE FRAILTY OF A PRISONER ALONE, TRYING TO STAND UP AGAINST HIS OPPRESSORS. REMEMBER.
(A Brother lights the candle)

THE BLACK RIBBON ON THE CANDLE REMINDS US OF THOSE WHO WILL NOT BE COMING HOME. REMEMBER

THE SINGLE ROSE REMINDS US OF THE LOVED ONES AND FAMILIES OF OUR COMRADES IN ARMS WHO KEEP THE FAITH AND AWAIT THEIR RETURN. REMEMBER

A SLICE OF LEMON IS ON THE BREAD PLATE TO REMIND US OF THEIR BITTER FATE -- IF WE DO NOT BRING THEM HOME. REMEMBER
(A Brother slices a lemon and places a slice on each bread plate)

THERE IS SALT ON THE PLATE, SYMBOLIC OF THE FAMILY'S TEARS AS THEY WAIT AND REMEMBER.
(A Brother shakes salt onto each bread plate)

THE GLASSES ARE INVERTED. THEY CANNOT TOAST WITH US TONIGHT -- MAYBE TOMORROW, IF WE REMEMBER.
(The Brothers execute a slow bend at the waist and pick up the wineglasses to eye level. At the word, “INVERTED”, the Honor Guard members quickly flip the wineglasses upside down with a twist of the wrist. Then slowly bring down the wineglasses to the table inverted.)

THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE RIBBON IS TIED TO THE FLOWER VASE BY A YELLOW RIBBON THAT WAS WORN BY THOUSANDS WHO AWAITED THEIR RETURN. REMEMBER

THE FADED PICTURE ON THE TABLE IS A REMINDER THAT THEY ARE MISSED VERY MUCH AND ARE REMEMBERED BY THEIR FAMILIES. REMEMBER.

AS WE LOOK UPON THIS EMPTY TABLE, DO NOT REMEMBER GHOSTS FROM THE PAST, REMEMBER OUR COMRADES.

REMEMBER THOSE WHOM WE DEPENDED ON IN BATTLE. THEY DEPEND ON US TO BRING THEM HOME.

REMEMBER OUR FRIENDS. THEY ARE THE ONES WE LOVE -- WHO LOVE LIFE AND FREEDOM AS WE DO.

THEY WILL REMEMBER WHAT WE DO. PLEASE HONOR AND REMEMBER THEM.
(The Honor Guard executes a slow salute together. They hold it approximately 10 seconds after the music has ended. Afterwards, the members slowly order arms and the Honor Guard commander will call “POST” and the members will execute a Left or Right Face. (Whichever is more convenient). “Forward March” will then move the members out of the room in a slow fashion.)

SUGGESTED SCRIPT FOR RETIRING THE TABLE
(One Brother approaches the table ready to extinguish the candle. If the hats are to be retired as well, the entire Honor Guard should enter with one identified to extinguish the candle.)
AS Brother _______________ EXTINGUISHES THIS CANDLE, LET US TRANSFER IT'S FLAME TO OUR HEARTS -- AND REMEMBER.
(Brother extinguishes the candle and retreats.)

The Sixteen All-Time Biggest REAL Soldier Lies

2009-01-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

Sixteen All-Time Biggest REAL Soldier Lies

1. "I put it in distribution."

2. "Your pay will be straight at the end of the month."

3. "I know I left it right here on the top of my desk."

4. "Of course I can read a map."

5. "It's on valid requisition."

6. "No Sir, I don't smoke dope!"

7. "He's in the motor pool."

8. "I have to go back to the rear."

9. "I don't give a damn if the General hears about this!"

10. "I need this for the old man right away!"

11. "I was here until midnight last night working on this!"

12. "I read the after action report."

13. "Sorry I'm late, but the Colonel called me just as I was about to leave."

14. "Give me your number and I'll call you back."

15. "This is a courtesy inspection."

16. "We're here to help you."

Towel Heads

2009-01-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

"Towel Heads"

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term.

Please try to pay attention.

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is actually a small folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as"little sheet heads."

Thank you for your support on this delicate matter.

The Purple Heart

2009-01-20T12:09:00.000-08:00

The original Purple Heart, designated as the Badge of Military Merit, was established by George Washington—then the commander in chief of the Continental Army—by order from his Newburgh, New York headquarters on August 07 .
The actual order includes the phrase, "Let it be known that he who wears the military order of the purple heart has given of his blood in the defense of his homeland and shall forever be revered by his fellow countrymen."
The Badge of Military Merit was only awarded to three Revolutionary War soldiers and fell into disuse following the War of Independence. Sgts. Daniel Bissel, William Brown and Elijah Churchill were awarded the first Purple Heart in recognition of their "unusual gallantry, extraordinary fidelity and essential service." It was a heart shaped patch made of purple cloth.
Although never abolished, the award of the badge was not proposed again officially until after World War I.
On 10 October 1927,Army Chief of Staff General Charles Summerall directed that a draft bill be sent to Congress "to revive the Badge of Military Merit". The bill was withdrawn and action on the case ceased on 03 January 1928, but the office of the Adjutant General was instructed to file all materials collected for possible future use. A number of private interests sought to have the medal re instituted in the Army. One of these was the board of directors of the Fort Ticonderoga Museum.
Before 1932, the Army and Navy needed distinctive insignia for soldiers or sailors who had been wounded during enemy actions. The United States took its cue from the British and French, and authorized a wound stripe. For each time an American was wounded, he was allowed to wear one gold bullion chevron, point down, on the cuff of his right sleeve.
On 07 January 1931, Summerall’s successor, General Douglas MacArthur, confidentially reopened work on a new design, involving the Washington Commission of Fine Arts. This new design was issued on the bicentennial of George Washington's birth. Elizabeth Will, an Army heraldic specialist in the Office of the Quartermaster General, was named to redesign the newly revived medal, which became known as the Purple Heart.
The Commission of Fine Arts solicited plaster models from three leading sculptors for the medal, selecting that of John Sinnock of the Philadelphia Mint in May 1931. By Executive Order, the Purple Heart was revived on the 200th Anniversary of George Washington's birth, out of respect to his memory and military achievements, by War Department General Orders No. 3, dated 22 February 1789.
The Purple Heart award is a heart-shaped medal within a gold border, 1 3⁄8 inches (35 mm) wide, containing a profile of General George Washington. Above the heart appears a shield of the coat of arms of George Washington (a white shield with two red bars and three red stars in chief) between sprays of green leaves.
The reverse consists of a raised bronze heart with the words FOR MILITARY MERIT below the coat of arms and leaves. The ribbon is 1 and 3⁄8 inches wide and consists of the following stripes: 1⁄8 inch white; 1 1⁄8 inches purple 67115; and 1⁄8 inch white.
As with other combat medals, multiple awards are denoted by award stars for the Navy,Marine corps, or Coast Guard, or oak leaf clusters for the Army and Air Force.
The criteria were announced in a War department circular dated 22 February 1932 and authorized award to soldiers, upon their request, who had been awarded the Meritorious Service Citation Certificate, Army Wound Ribbon, or were authorized to wear Wound Chevrons subsequent to 05 April 1917, the day before the United States entered World War I.
The first Purple Heart was awarded to MacArthur. During the early period of American involvement in World War II, the Purple Heart was awarded both for wounds received in action against the enemy and for meritorious performance of duty.
With the establishment of the Legion of Merit, by an Act of Congress, the practice of awarding the Purple Heart for meritorious service was discontinued.
By Executive Order 9277, dated 03 December 1942, the decoration was extended to be applicable to all services and the order required that regulations of the Services be uniform in application as far as practicable. This executive order also authorized the award only for wounds received.
Executive Order 11016, dated 25 April 1962, included provisions for posthumous award of the Purple Heart. Executive Order 12464, dated 23 February 1984, authorized award of the Purple Heart as a result of terrorist attacks or while serving as part of a peacekeeping force subsequent to 28 March 1973.
The Senate approved an amendment to the 1985 Defense Authorization Bill on 13 June 1985 which changed the precedence from immediately above the Good Conduct Medal to immediately above the Meritorious Service Medals. Public Law 99-145 authorized the award for wounds received as a result of friendly fire. Public Law 104-106 expanded the eligibility date, authorizing award of the Purple Heart to a former prisoner of war who was wounded before 25 April 1962.
The National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 1998 (Public Law 105-85) changed the criteria to delete authorization for award of the Purple Heart Medal to any civilian national of the United States while serving under competent authority in any capacity with the Armed Forces. This change was effective 18 may 1998.
During World War II, nearly 500,000 Purple Heart medals were manufactured in anticipation of the estimated casualties resulting from the planned Allied invasion of Japan.
To the present date, all the American military casualties of the sixty years following the end of World War II — including the Korean and Vietnam Wars — have not exceeded that number.
In 2003, there were still 120,000 of these Purple Heart medals in stock. There are so many in surplus that combat units in Iraq and Afghanistan and United States are able to keep Purple Hearts on-hand for immediate award to wounded soldiers on the field.
The "History" section of the November 2008 edition of National Geographic estimated the number of purple hearts given as below. Above the estimates, the text reads, "Any tally of Purple Hearts is an estimate. Awards are often given during conflict; records aren't always exact" (page 33).
World War II: 964,409
Korea: 136,936
Vietnam: 200,676
Persian Gulf: 590
Afghanistan: 2,743 (as of 8/21/2008)
Iraq: 33,923 (as of 8/21/2008)
The Stolen Valor Act of 2005 sets out penalties for people who falsely claim to have been awarded the Purple Heart. The Act states that any false verbal, written or physical claim, or selling of the Purple Heart Medal, by an individual to whom it has not been awarded, is a federal offense punishable by jail time and/or a fine

Taliban TV Guide

2009-01-19T10:09:00.000-08:00

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Osama In The Middle"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Torture"
8:30 - "Who Wants to be a Terrorist"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "Dharma & Mohammed"
8:30 - "That Taliban Show"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Survivor - Afghanistan!"
8:30 - "Touched by an Infidel"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet-Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Afganistan's Funniest Surveillance Tapes"
9:00 - "What Law & Order?"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

The pattern of U.S. Military Operations Since World War II

2009-01-17T08:50:00.000-08:00

The Pattern of U.S. Military Operations Since World War II

A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search for a pattern in US military activities since World War II that might predict what the future missions of the US will be in the post-Cold War world.

"We think they are spelling out a message," explained an unnamed spokesperson. "Just look at the places where the US has fought: Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua and Somalia.
Being a Wheel of Fortune fan, If you rearrange the first letters of those countries, it spells 'ELVIS _S KING.' We just need to find another 'I' country to complete the message."

Who's next, Italy, India, Ireland, Indonesia, Indiana . . . ?

New Iraqi Town Names

2009-01-17T08:47:00.000-08:00

New Iraqi Town Names

Now that the B-1's, B-2's, B-52's, TLAMs, F-14's, F-15's, F-16's, F/A-18's, Tornados, Harriers, F-117's, and field artillery have reorganized Iraq's landscape, our intelligence has discovered they have renamed some of their towns, no doubt in order to confuse us. These new names include:

Wherz-Myroof

Mykamel-Izded

OKraph-Dissizbad

Waddi-El-Izgowinon

Pleez-Ztopdibomin

Kizz-Yerbuht-Goodbi

Ikantstan-Disnomore

Wha-Tahel-Wazi-Tinkin

Myturbin-Izburnin

Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Life, I Learned As a Helicopter Crewman In Vietnam

2009-01-15T15:51:00.000-08:00

Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Life, I Learned As a Helicopter Crewman In Vietnam

by Bobby McBride
Crew Chief
128th Assault Helicopter Company Phu Loi, RVN 3/69 - 3/70

NEVER FORGET!

1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.

2. Helicopters are cool!

3. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.

4. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.

5. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.

6. A billfold in your hip pocket can numb your leg and be a real pain in the ass.

7. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.

8. Letters from home are not always great.

9. The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.

10. Share everything. Even the Pound Cake.

11. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.

12. The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive.

13. The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.

14. Sometimes, being good and lucky still was not enough. There is always payback.

15. "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.

16. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.

17. The BSR (Bang Stare Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.

18. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.

19. It does too get cold in Vietnam.

20. No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".

21. Gravity: It may not be fair, but it is the law.

22. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.

23. If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.

24. It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.

25. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

26. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

27. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.

28. Combat pay is a flawed concept.

29. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.

30. Air superiority is NOT a luxury.

31. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.

32. It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.

32a. Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.

33. While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.

34. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.

35. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.

36. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls (given to you by guards) even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.

37. WHAT is often more important than WHY.

38. Boxes of cookies from home must be shared.

39. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.

40. Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.

41. There is no such thing as a small firefight.

42. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.

43. The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.

44. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.

44a. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.

45. Being shot hurts.

46. Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.

48. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.

49. Nomex is NOT fire proof.

50. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.

51. Living and dying can both hurt a lot.

53. While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.

54. C-4 can make a dull day fun.

55. Cocoa Powder is neither.

56. There is no such thing as a fair fight, only ones where you win or lose.

57. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.

58. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.

59. If you have extra, share it quickly.

60. Always make sure someone has a P-38.

61. A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.

62. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.

63. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.

64. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.

65. Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.

66. A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life simply because someone forgot this fact.

67. "You have the right to remain silent" is always EXCELLENT advice.

"Like the book says, we may be through with the past but the past is not through with us" - from Magnolia the movie

Hello, Senator Kennedy

2009-01-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

Hello, Senator Kennedy

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note on his own cell phone to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry.

Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

A Marine in Hell

2009-01-13T16:38:00.000-08:00

A Marine In Hell

A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell.
He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.
He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. "

Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you like to fight?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!

Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're going to hate Fridays.

What does that shirt say?

2009-01-12T11:32:00.000-08:00

What Does That Shirt Say?

An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says "Marines suck".

Sure enough, two Marines walk up.

One of the Marines says, "WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!"

So the Army guy responds, "That's the first thing I hate about Marines, they cant read."

The other Marine growls, "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!"

The Army guy responds, "That's the second thing I hate about Marines, they cant hear."

Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside.

Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed.

The bartender asks what happened to the two Marines.

The army guy responds, "That’s the third thing I hate about Marines, they bring knives to gunfights."

Co-Pilot talking rules

2009-01-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

C0-Pilot Talking Rules

The only three things a wingman should ever say are:

Two's up.
Lead, you're on fire.
I'll take the fat chick.

And in a multi-place aircraft, there are only three things the copilot should ever say:

Nice landing, Sir.
I'll buy the first round.
I'll take the fat chick.

As a new copilot on a bomber, I was told to only say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:

Clear on the right.
Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).

Mental Health Outsourcing

2009-01-12T11:27:00.000-08:00

Mental Health Outsourcing

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

Innovative ways to deal with a random drug test taken in front of a witness

2009-01-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

Innovative Ways to Deal With a Random Drug Test (you have to do it in a cup in front of a witness.)

Ask your observer if he wants to race.

Wear a diaper.

Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything accept antibacterial soap.

Inquire about a "take home cup."

Get your privates stuck in your zipper.

After four-and-a-half hours of holding it, pee so hard you knock the cup out of your hand.

When the nurse asks you to witness the cup being empty, insist that you have to stick your finger in there to "check it out for yourself."

When they call your name, walk to the counter looking really concerned. Calmly explain to the nurse that you haven't studied for this test, and want to know if there's any extra credit.

Put some water in your boot before the test. When you get to the peeing part, take off your boot, pour it into the cup, and shamefully say that you just couldn't wait.

Ask the observer to slap you on your rear-end a few times, just to get things going for you.

Bring a drink umbrella for your cup.

Since this person has probably seen a lot of people pee, ask him how you measure up.

Before you start, self-check for hernias (turn, cough, etc...)

Wear a condom.

Saddam's Lesser Known Relatives

2009-01-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

Saddam's Lesser-Known Relatives

Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, many of Saddam Hussein's lesser-known relatives are coming to the attention of American authorities including:

Sooflay ............the restauranteur

Guday...............the Australian half-brother

Huray...............the sports fanatic

Sashay..............the gay brother

Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins by his the African wife

Sayhay..............the baseball player

Ojay................the stalker/murderer

Gulay...............the singer/entertainer

Ebay................the Internet czar

Biliray..............the country music star

Ecksray...........the radiologist

Puray...............the gourmet chef

Regay...............the Jamaican half-brother

Tupay...............the brother with the bad hair

Lattay...............the sister who works in Starbucks

Bufay...............the chubby sister

Dushay.............the very clean sister

Phayray............the zookeeper sister who works in the gorilla house

Sapheway.........the sister who works in a grocery store

Ollay................the Mexican half-sister

Gudlay.............the slutty sister

And finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.

How to prepare for a deployment to Iraq

2009-01-10T08:08:00.000-08:00

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

21. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

22. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

23. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

24. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

25. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

26. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

27. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

28. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

29. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

30. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

31. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

32. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

33. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

34. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

35. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

36. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

37. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

38. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.

39. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

Fighter Pilot Jokes

2009-01-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

Fighter Pilot Jokes

Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over?

A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

How to simulate life in the Army.

2009-01-06T15:38:00.000-08:00

How to Simulate Life in the Army

1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.

2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can't talk.

3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.

4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.

5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they can't use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection.

8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.

9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and give me 20!"

10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, "Unserviceable."

12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 5pm.

13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review.

14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.

17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don't run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.

18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.

20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.

24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them.

27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns and call it a deployment.

28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.

29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.

32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don't let them eat or sleep again for two days.

33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "block leave." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house.

38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu.

39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay."

40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.

41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk.

42. Don't change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk.

43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.

47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

48. Buy a trash can, but don't use it. Store the garbage in your hole.

49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to "check the perimeter."

50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole.

51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again.

52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference.

53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.

54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout "Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!" Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.

55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular "Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?" Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular "Negative contact, Lost-Three out." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

How to simulate the life of a sailor.

2009-01-05T13:45:00.000-08:00

How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor

Buy a steel dumpster, paint it haze-gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

Repaint your entire house every month. Color Choices-Haze Grey or Dark Grey

Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the "head").
Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub(shower-stall) and move the shower head to chest level. When you take a shower, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. (Wet down, turn off water, soap down, Turn on water rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are showers that last more than one(1) Minute)

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.

On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. (call it "water hours")

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

Put all your clothes under your mattress to press them!

Sleep on the shelf in your closet.

Replace the closet door with a curtain.

Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. (call it "PQS- Qualifications")

Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. (call it "Morning Muster Call")

Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. (call it "Early-Liberty")

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Start referring to the garbage bins as "SHIT-CAN's")

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. (call it "Mail Call")

Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it "Movie Call")

Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse cock sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. (Horse cock= BOLOGNA)

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich OR HORSE COCK on stale bread. (Midrats=MIDNIGHT RATIONS)

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it "FIRE DRILL")

Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (call it "QUARTERDECK WATCH")

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a bucket so you can puke in it.

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it, drinking hot coffee when in 145 down there in front of the boilers, that's a cool day! In the Persian Gulf it gets hotter!

Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears, and tell the barber just a little off the sides.

Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house because you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.

Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!

Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on your wife's butt cheeks or a Choo Choo train coming out your butt hole.

Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not required!

Shout out every time a women comes into your room, "female in quarters"!

There's something about a Gunny...

2009-01-05T13:02:00.000-08:00

There's Something about a Gunny . . . .

One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess.When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded.They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate.

At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant’s conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning.

At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

When the Chief dies.

2009-01-05T13:01:00.000-08:00

When the Chief Dies

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

You may be a Taliban if....

2009-01-05T12:59:00.001-08:00

You May Be a Taliban, If ...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

How to poop at work (and other people's houses)

2009-01-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

How to poop at work (and other people's houses).

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

Military deck of cards

2009-01-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

Deck of Cards

It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard. The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week. As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk. Just then an army sergeant came in and said, 'Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?' The soldier replied, 'I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord.'

The sergeant said, 'Looks to me like you're going to play cards.' The soldier said, 'No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country, I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying t his deck of cards.'

The sergeant asked in disbelief, 'How will you do that?'

'You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God.

The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments.

The Three represents the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.

The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John .

The Five is for the five virgins, there were ten but only five of them were glorified.

The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.

The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation

The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.

The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.

The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.

The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.

The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.

The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.

When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.

There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.

The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.

Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.

So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for.'

13 excuses NATO uses for bombing the wrong target

2008-12-25T14:30:00.001-08:00

13. Just tryin' to impress the chicks.

12. NATO strategists were loathe to open maps of the area because refolding them can be difficult and annoying.

11. "Kosovo?! We though you said KOKOMO!"

10. Bombardier still pissed off about his Yugo.

9. Chinese embassy "just too shiny to ignore."

8. Pilot's ugly little secret: never COULD hit those womprats back home in Beggar's Canyon.

7. Totally hammered after losing a game of "quarters" to Boris Yeltsin.

6. Canadian navigator busy extolling virtues of Celine Dion.

5. Pilot playing Kosovo bingo needed B5, not G2.

4. Forgot to adjust for weight of Slim Pickens.

3. Male pilots refused to stop and ask for directions.

2. General Magoo has no comment.

1. NATO headquarters dinner order for "take out Chinese" was grossly misunderstood.

Military word/phrase origins

2008-12-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

Military word/phrase origins.

HORRIBLE ETYMOLOGICAL REVELATION. In 1941 American military etymology lovers discovered with horror that the abbreviation CINCUS (Commander-in-Chief, US Fleet) implied the invitation to the enemy 'Sink Us'. The abbreviation abetting the enemy was hastily changed.

ETYMOLOGY TORPEDOED. Everybody knows about that naval weapon 'torpedo'. But only few people are aware of the connection of this word with the fish world though the torpedo was often called a 'tin-fish', a 'kipper', etc. The word 'torpedo' is a metaphorical transfer from the name in Latin of an electric ray from the family Torpedinidae which possesses a peculiar organ enabling it to stun its prey with electric shock.

EIGHTBALL. 'Eightball' is a highly uncomplimentary slang word standing for a rather objectionable character ('gold brick', 'goof'). The word owes its origin to the billiard game where the number 8 ball has some restrictive associations which make it an object of disapproval. Namely, in a pocket billiard game, popular in the USA, the player loses if he directs the eight ball into the pocket. Hence, the phrase 'be behind the eightball' (in trouble).
In the Army the word has likely connections with the expression 'Section 8' which was a section of provisions specifying the reasons for discharge from military service. 'Section 8' defined the reasons for discharge for reasons of mental, psychiatric deficiencies and therefore 'Section 8' figuratively means a 'psycho', a 'moron'.

DRONE. A drone is a collective name for pilotless aircraft. But original meaning was and is 'the male of the honeybee and other bees'. This particular kind of the insect through clear associations was connected with such notions as 'one who lives on the labor of others', 'an idler', 'a sluggard'.
These associations underlie the transfer of the meaning to an aircraft which was steered by remote control without a pilot. Initially, pilotless aircraft were used as air targets for training AA gun crews. These targets were marked with black stripes along the tail part of the fuselage. These stripes looked like those of a drone (the insect). Hence, the nickname.
Nowadays pilotless aircraft are distinguished as drones and RPVs (remotely-piloted vehicles). Drones are program-guided while RPVs are piloted from a distance by operators. It is curious to know that bomber air crews called jokingly air gunners 'drones'. Probably because air gunners were idle during flights and had only lots of things to do when firing at enemy fighters.

SEESAW BATTLE. 'Seesaw battle' is fighting with inconclusive result for both sides, with ups and down of war luck. A very well-known plaything of children (a rocking plank with a support at the middle) used to provide fun for kids was associated with some combat operations. British also use the phrase 'ding-dong battle' where 'ding-dong' is a figurative expression of back and forth motion of the knocker of a bell.

Get your dollar bill out....

2008-12-23T13:22:00.000-08:00

Who was Hayim Solomon?

On the rear of the One Dollar bill, you will see two circles. Together, they comprise the Great Seal of the United States . The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.

If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid.
Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the west or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin 's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
'IN GOD WE TRUST' is on this currency.

The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, 'God has favored our undertaking.'

The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, 'a new order has begun.'

At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. (MDCCLXXVI)

If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery , and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States , and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean.

The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own.

At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation.

In the Eagle's beak you will read, ' E PLURIBUS UNUM' meaning,'one from many.'

Above the Eagle, you have the thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one.

Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.

They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this:
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in, 'Annuit Coeptis,' 13 letters in 'E Pluribus Unum,'
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits,
and if you look closely,
13 arrows.

And finally, if you notice the arrangement of the 13 stars in the right-hand circle you will see that they are arranged as a Star of David.

This was ordered by George Washington who, when he asked Hayim Solomon, a wealthy Philadelphia Jew, what he would like as a personal reward for his services to the Continental Army, Solomon said he wanted nothing for himself but that he would like something for his people. The Star of David was the result.

Few people know that it was Solomon who saved the Army through his financial contributions but died a pauper.

I ask people, 'Why don't you know this?'
Your children don't know this, and their history teachers don't know this.

Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.

In memory of over 58,048 Brothers that never returned, Vietnam 59-75.

In memory of over 4,212 Brothers that never returned, Iraq 03-08 (over 30,879 have been wounded).

In memory of over 208 Brothers that never returned, Afghanastan 01-08.

Just a bit of American knowledge I wanted to pass on.

God Bless our troops.

God Bless my Vietnam Vet M/C Brothers.

God Bless my Legacy Vets M/C Brothers

God Bless America.

Leave and Liberty standards

2008-12-21T18:37:00.000-08:00

Leave and liberty standards

MARINES: None.
ARMY: 4 hours a week.
NAVY: 2 days a week.
AIR FORCE: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

Freezing the balls off a brass monkey

2008-12-21T18:34:00.000-08:00

"Freezing the Balls Off the Brass Monkey," a Navy Phrase about Cannon Balls-Fiction!

Summary of the e-Rumor

This piece of alleged history explains that in the olden days of sailing ships, cannon balls were stacked on the decks on brass plates called "monkeys." The plates had indentions in them that held the balls on the bottoms of the stacks. Brass, however, expands and contracts with the temperature and if it got cold enough, the cannon balls could fall...giving real foundation to the phrase "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"

The Truth
According to the United States Navy Historical Center, this is a legend of the sea without historical justification. The center has researched this because of the questions it gets and says the term "brass monkey" and a vulgar reference to the effect of cold on the monkey's extremities, appears to have originated in the book "Before the Mast" by C.A. Abbey. It was said that it was so cold that it would "freeze the tail off a brass monkey." The Navy says there is no evidence that the phrase had anything to do with ships or ships with cannon balls

National Guard glossary

2008-12-21T04:42:00.000-08:00

National guard glossary

National Guard Leadership:
'Commander' - Whoever starts the unit.

'Second in Command' - His best friend or closest relative.

'Auxiliary Commander' - His wife or mom.

'Intelligence Chief' - The guy with a police scanner and his mom's email account.

'Informant' - the first one of us who gets caught doing anything illegal.

National Guard Rank Structure:

'General' - National Guard Commander (Number of stars on hat reflect size of head.)

'Colonel' - His best friend.

'Major' - Wives, moms, friends and whoever lets you use their property to 'train.'

'Captain' - New guy.

'Officer' - Guy who pulls you over for having no tags on your truck.

'Private' - Highest rank actually attained by commander before being kicked out of the real military.

National Guard Command sizes:

'Battalion' - A National Guard Unit with 3-5 guys who show up for every meeting.

'Brigade' - Unit with more than 6 guys.

'Division' - Harder than subtraction but easier than algebra.

'Company' - Place where we order our National Guard stuff.

'Platoon' - Movie about Vietnam which gives us 'flashbacks,' (even though we were in high school at the time.)

'Squad' - Guys in the ambulance who come out when one of us falls or accidentally shoots someone during training.

National Guard Unit Specialties and Capabilities:

'Internet National Guard' - Number unknown. Source for secret information the government does not want anyone to know. Capable of sending mean faxes, SPAM and flaming email when provoked. (USCMike, PMIL, EAGLEFLT, etc.)

'Mail Order National Guard' (MONG) - Numbering in the dozens. Most often seen on television news wearing home made uniforms with awards and patches for wars we never fought in. Capable of newsletter creation, mean faxes, SPAM and creation of tons of 'documentation' when provoked.

'Shortwave Radio National Guard' - About a half dozen active. Specialize in selling books, videos, gold, silver and canned food while begging for donations so we can 'keep getting the truth out.' Capable of basically embarrassing themselves when provoked.

'State National Guard' - Sometimes as many as 20 guys per state. Capable of enhancing careers of federal agents and infighting like schoolgirls when provoked.

National Guard Terminology:

'National Guard Headquarters' - Mom's basement, garage or the trailer of whoever has the fax machine.

'Enemy' - NWO, UN and other National Guard leaders who lie about me.

'Full auto' - Three in front seat, four in back, National Guard stuff in trunk.

'Operation' - Stuff the doctor does after the squad takes you to the hospital for hurting yourself.

'New World Order' - Bar codes on beer cans, warnings on cigarette packs, cameras in K-mart and anything else we don't like or understand.

'Common Law Grand Jury' - Ten or more old people practicing law without a clue.

'Federal Agent' - Any National Guard commander who says anything bad about me.

'Global Conspiracy' - Why tornados target our trailers, why our sisters/wives have facial hair and why we only manage to make minimum wage (even though many of us have a GED.)

'U.N. Troops' - Foreign soldiers hidden everywhere, sent in by NWO to spy on the National Guard. Anyone wearing anything light blue in color.

'Leaderless Resistance' - Where we do something really stupid without any pre-planning or supervision.

'Training' - Cleaning guns while eating MRE's and watching the movie 'Red Dawn.'
'God, Guns and Guts' - Well, we've got guns.

Life in the 1500's

2008-12-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

* LIFE IN THE 1500'S *

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor.

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring ! !

Yesterday, December 7th...

2008-12-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live in infamy - the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.
The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.
Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American Island of Oahu, the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or of armed attack.
It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.
Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against Malaya. Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong. Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam. Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands. Last night the Japanese attacked Wake Island. This morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.
Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.
As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.
But always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.
With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounding determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.
I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December seventh, 1941 a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire.

NCO's and Officers

2008-12-08T18:11:00.000-08:00

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "You must be an Officer". "I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Privates to Sergeants

2008-12-03T04:28:00.000-08:00

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside.
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"
.

If an anaconda attacks...

2008-11-28T04:15:00.000-08:00

If an anaconda attacks

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another .

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic .

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic .

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Words of Thomas Jefferson

2008-11-27T16:13:00.001-08:00

The history, writings and teachings of our founding fathers seem to be lost in this era. It seems, there is a disturbing number who are willing to claim the principles of our founding principals are archaic and must be swept away in favor of our newly defined mantra of political correctness. The guarantees of freedom are centered on self betterment through opportunity not simply the right to something for nothing.
We face no new challenges today. The idea we face anything our nation has not come face to face with before is wrought upon us by failed students of history. The confrontation that we truly face is will we repeat the same mistakes that have resulted in the eventual self destruction of every form of self government since we were put upon the earth.

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe. Thomas Jefferson

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. Thomas Jefferson

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. Thomas Jefferson

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. Thomas Jefferson

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government. Thomas Jefferson

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. Thomas Jefferson

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Thomas Jefferson

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical. Thomas Jefferson

In light of the present financial crisis, it's interesting to read what Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered."

Rules of friendship

2008-11-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

Rules of friendship
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!!

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!